Being Karkat Vantas: A DaveKat Fanfiction

Karkat ==> Chapter 13

You hardly got a wink of sleep all night, though Dave slept peacefully at your side. When he got up, you faked being asleep so he wouldn't pester you. As soon as he left and the coast was clear, you got up and made your way to the bathroom, taking your hair styling products with you. Closing and locking the door behind you, you pull out your scissors and stare longingly in the mirror. After a long pep talk, you shakily raise the scissors up to your hair.
Snip snip snip.
Chunks of hair fall on the floor by your feet as you plug in your electric shaver.
Buzzzzzzzz. Snip snip snip.
Then, you plug in your hairdryer and turn it on to cleanse yourself of the tiny hairs left on you. By the time you're done cleaning up and force yourself to look in the mirror again, you look just as you did when you were young; like a boy. You swallow back tears as you stuff all of the feminine items you'd brought with you into the bottom of your suitcase. Then, making your way over to Dave's closet, you grab his red broken record tee and a smaller black pair of basketball shorts. It takes you three times as long to change as it should. Especially because you put on boxer briefs for once.
You force yourself through one last painful task; you stand in front of the mirror and stare yourself in the eye. "You're a boy, Karkat. You can't be a woman because you're a man." You clear your throat and speak in your natural, somewhat deep voice rather than the higher pitched one you've made yourself accustomed to. "No more of this girl bullshit. Stop pretending to be something you're not and... And grow up..."
Nodding in approval, you finally make your way downstairs to the kitchen. Everyone was already at the table eating breakfast. Yet, as soon as you enter, the room falls silent and all eyes lock on you. Kanaya and Dave look the most shocked. Without a moments hesitation, Dave is up and by your side, holding your face in his hands. You can tell he's close to tears. "Karkat... Baby, what the hell did you do...?"
You pull away from him and shrug. "I decided to drop the whole transgender thing. It was stupid and childish."
Kanaya growls. "It was Kankri again, wasn't it? Karkat, you cannot let him-"
"It wasn't him," you snap.
Dave looks back at Kanaya. "Who the hell is Kankri?"
"Karkat's brother," she practically spits out the name in distaste.
"I said it wasn't him!" You snarl at her.
Your boyfriend frowns at you. "Then why-?"
"Because I'm not a woman!" You finally break, clenching your fists at your sides. Dave takes a half step back, startled. "I can't do what a woman can. I can't be your girlfriend. I can't be your wife. I can't bare you kids. I can't do anything a woman can and no amount of surgery will change that!" You take a moment to compose yourself before sighing. "I just want you to be happy. I want you to have everything you deserve and... Most of the time, I don't think that's me. I-I mean... I think you deserve a real girlfriend and a real wife and a real mother to your kids..."
He immediately hugs you, petting your hair. "I just want you... Honey, I'm so sorry that yesterday was a wreck and I'm sorry that you have to deal with so much stress... I want you to do whatever makes you happy..."
The life slowly begins to drain from you. "This will make me happy."
He frowns down at you. "Being something you're not?"
You furrow your eyebrows and grab his hands, placing them on your chest. "Describe what you feel here. Go on." Dave looks utterly defeated, but he stays silent. "Tell me."
"...I feel your heartbeat." He finally replies.
You stop, eyes widening a bit as your hands drop back to your sides, though Dave's still lay on your chest. "...you know that isn't what I meant..."
"But you asked. And I feel your heart. I know your heart isn't telling you to do this. Something or someone else is telling you to. You know what you are at heart. You told me before. You feel like a woman. You want to be a woman. That's what you are. You're Karkat Vantas. You're my beautiful, short haired girlfriend, future wife, and future mother to my children. You are mine and I am yours. Your biology doesn't change that. Your heart does."
You swallow the lump in your throat, fighting tears. "It's my mother's birthday soon... She wants to see her boys... Well, she wants to see her son and daughter, but if I keep dressing like I do, Kankri won't just shut me out. He'll shut my mom out, too. I just think it's for the best, Dave."
He bites his lip. "Are you sure that's what you want?" You slowly nod and he sighs, kissing your forehead. "Okay, my love... Why don't you sit down and I'll make you some breakfast?"
You trudge over to the empty seat beside Dirk, staring down at the table to avoid the sympathetic looks until you feel a hand on your shoulder. You glance up to find Dirk looking down at you, his shades folded on the table. He looks tired. You can tell he hasn't shaved in a while due to the five o'clock shadow, which makes him look much older than he really is. "I'm proud of you, you know."
You frown. "For what?"
"It's pretty selfless if you to put your family before yourself. You also have to remember though that it's your life. You can't forget to make yourself happy. Don't live for other people, okay? You do that, and you'll be just fine."
You mull that over as Dave sets your food in front of you. You know what you want, but you know what would be best for everyone. You know what you have to do, even though you could never be happy with it.