Come And Save Me, Tonight.

F.I.N.E

Steven set me down, pushed me onto my bed, and climbed on top of me, kissing me hard on the mouth.

"Mmmm, Baby, I love you." He whispered in between kisses. 

This freaked me out a tad bit. Did I love him too? I mean, I could feel it in my bones, he is my soul mate. I do love him, but how could I let him know what I'm truly feeling. We've only touched upon the topic, and I could talk about Kyle without bursting into tears, or becoming incredibly embarrassed, neither of which I do infront of people. I've learned to emotionally shut myself down. My biggest fear is that I'll begin to show emotion, and then I will become predictable, boring, or seen as weak. 

Steven could feel that something was wrong because he stopped kissing me and looked me directly in the eyes.

"Baby," He asked, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" I answered. "I'm completely fine."

"Mia... Please talk to me, I know something's bothering you. I can feel it." He looked serious now. 

"I just... I don't know." I couldn't figure out how to tell him everything.

"Is it about what that asshole at the bar said?" He asked. 

I sat up and burried my face in my hands.

"I need a drink, I'll be right back. Want anything?" I called over my shoulder, as I walked out of the room. 

"Mia..." He said almost sounding like my father, and clearly getting annoyed. 

I walked into the kitchen, and took out the bottle Jack Daniels from behind the mini bar Lauren and I installed 2 years ago. Whiskey wasn't really my drinking niche, but I knew whiskey would get me very drunk, and if I was about to have this conversation with Steven, then very drunk is exactly what I needed to be. I poured myself a nice glass, and went to put the bottle away. When I turned around, I noticed Steven leaning up against the wall, watching me. I didn't expect him to be there, so he scared me, and I jumped, almost dropping my glass. I motioned for us to go sit on the couch and as I sat down, I took a huge swig of my drink. 

"Mia.. drinking away your problem isn't the answer.." He chided.

"I'm an adult.. I can have a drink if I feel like it. And just because I happen to be having 'problems' concurrently with having a drink, doesn't mean I'm drinking away my problems.." I snapped. 

"Okay, wise ass, now please talk to me. I'm worried." He pleaded. 

"Okay... fine." I took a deep breath and began my story. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"About 4 years ago, in my freshman year of college, I met this guy, Kyle. We hit it off pretty well, I just got the job at Pete's, and I was working one night when he walked into the bar and ordered, well... a dirty martini. I guess you can say old habits die hard, because that corny fucking pick-up line he used tonight, was the exact same line he used the night we met." I felt myself getting angry. "Well, he stayed there until I got off of my shift, around 11. He asked me if he could buy me a drink, and I agreed, but only if I could make it. And so I did, and we connected. It was funny though, really looking back, we have NOTHING in common, but somthing connected us." I took a deep breath.

"Mia, you don't have to tell me all this if you're not comfortable telling me, I-" Steven stammered

I cut him off, "Well, one thing lead to another, and we ended up dating." I could see the hurt in Steven's eyes. He could feel my pain.

"About 10 months into the relationship, I saw a change in Kyle. Something about him, actually began to terrify me. He was being rude all the time, and just expecting me to do shit for him, and he would basically mentally abuse me. Honestly, 'Sticks and Stones,' right? I wouldn't have cared, but I was already going through a tough time... I.. uhh.. When I was in 7th grade, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I hated life and everything about it, and I'll be honest, I tried to kill myself a couple of times. I drank, I did drugs, I did everything I could to try and escape the emotional pain that I was feeling."

I paused to look at Steven, to read his emotions, he was crying. A steady stream of tears was flowing from his eyes. I wiped them away and continued on with my story. 

"Eventually, around 10th grade, my common sense kicked in. If I don't want to feel this way anymore, then I should get up and do something about it, instead of just lying around wishing things would get better. I studied things on God, thinking that a spiritual connection could help me. When it didn't I thought long and hard and realized that I had to stop the pain directly at the source. I was the source. I studied up on meditation, and the Bhudda, realizing that in order for me to feel happy and free again, I needed to create peace along the battle ground that my body has become. I did just that, and became, little by little, happy again. Of course, I still get anxiety attacks, and I still get moody, but I can better control them now, and I won't let them take over my life." I paused again, looking for Stevens reaction.

"Well.. Knowing that I was in such a fragile mental state, Kyle I guess took advantage of that, and hurt me in ways I would've never thought. He began planting idea in my mind, that he was the only good thing in my life. That everything and everyone was against me. I hated myself for the longest time because of him. And then the worst came... On our one year anniversary, he took me out to some semi-fancy restaurant, and talked about himself all night, and how lucky I was to have him in my life. I was already having a rough day at work, and with all my classes, that I snapped and asked him to shut the fuck up. He got up, and smacked me, hard, across the face." I could see Steven's sadness turned to anger. He was getting mad. 

"He began to hit me. I remember, I dropped a plate once, and it broke, and he beat me for it. That was the day I decided I was too good for this, and I got pissed off and fought back. I punched him in the face,  ran to my room, packed up my shit, and left him. Lauren and I were already good friends, so I told her everything and she let me move in. And I've been scared to trust anyone ever since." I finished. 

Steven didn't know what to say, so he just hugged me, and I tried so hard to not cry, but the moment and took my in his arms, I broke down, my tears staining his shirt. 

"I love you too, I really do, but I've never been so afraid of showing my true emotion to someone before. I don't want to cause you any trouble. I'm fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional." I chuckled. "I guess you could say I'm F.I.N.E."

Just then, he grabbed my face and kissed me.