Desolation // l.p.

Chapter XXII

I flop back onto the bed in my old bedroom, staring at the ceiling fan. I can't believe it's been a month since I moved out. The image of my shaky and nervous hand signing my name on the lease is still a vivid picture, the smile on the bulding managers face as she handed me the set of silver keys to my new home. Everything about that day is still so clear and I wish I knew why. It's not the first time I'd moved out. I had went to collge in Florida so I obviously couldn't live with my mother. I did have a roommate but she was never there. She was always going to parties, getting drunk and waking up on a strangers floor. Even though she was "supposed" to live with me, she really didn't. I was alone even then but something is different this time. It's when I get butterflies in my stomach as I walk in and drop my things on my counter. Then I sit down on my sofa, or sleep in my bed. The whole situation has left a lasting effect  on me. Somewhere between pride and solitude is where my mind has been for the past four weeks. And I'm not sure I'd ever want any other feeling than that right now.

I blink, as if remembering where I am and what I'm doing. I came back to get a few more pieces of my wardrobe that I left behind. I've been slowly working on shifting everything from my mother's house, to my apartment. The process is slow, but it works around my work schedule and that's all that is really important. I swear I've been out with Liam every night for the past month. His schedule is so busy, I don't know how he does it. I'm finding it impossible to have any personal life with all of the running around with him that I have to do. When we aren't sitting through one of his business meetings he insists that we have dinner to "form a stronger bond" between us. I'm not going to complain because he is nice and I like him, but my weeks are just repetitious now. Nothing differs from last week to this week. Nothing.

I drag myself from the bare bed, sheets stripped of it, room stripped of personal items. I wonder if my mother is turning my childhood bedroom into another guest bedroom, or if she is using it for something else. I just pray that it won't become a storage closet. That way if I come back, it won't be too hard to move back in. Even though those aren't my plans, the safety net is comforting.

I slide open my closet door, staring at the few articles of clothes left. It's all stuff from when I was in college. Every last piece of it. None of it is okay to wear to work because it is not formal enough, and in general it just looks. . . young. It's a reminder that I need new clothes. And very soon. I feel like I've been wearing the same skirts, shirts, dresses and pants for the past month every single week at work. Maybe something new will be good. It would definitely change some things up.

I bite my lip. Pondering expenses, after putting down the first three months of rent on my apartment I'm not sure I really have enough money to go shopping anyway. It was a good idea while it lasted though.

I begin to take the few shirts and two pairs of shorts from my closet. Folding them neatly and stacking them on the bed behind me as I go. It only takes a few minutes since there was so little to do, and I grab the small stack of clothes. Carrying it, I go downstairs to find Sam sitting at the counter waiting for me. He is supposed to drive me back to my apartment, since my search for a car is on hold for another few months.

I'm beginning to wish I would've looked for a car before I got the apartment, to make matters of transportation easier. Instead, I'm finding myself walking everywhere and taking the bus. At least when I lived here I could take my mothers car, now if I even want to see her someone has to come and pick me up, or I take a taxi but who wants to pay those rates often?

I wait to see if he notices that I entered the room, only to learn that he is oblivious. "Hey, I'm ready to go." I tell him, stepping further into the kitchen.

"Okay. Are you sure though? Your mom said she would be home in a half an hour if you wanted to see her." He says looking over his shoulder at me. His phone is in his hands and I can see him playing a game on it to occupy himself. I consider his suggestion but quickly brush it off. I would like to see my mother but I can't. I have plans for a little later and I don't want to abandon them.

"No, I'm meeting up with Victoria for drinks later." I recall her comment from work earlier this morning when she complained about never meeting guys. She said the best place to meet them is clubs and bars, especially since they buy you drinks. Her whole argument as to why I needed to go out with her was completely invalid, but that's one thing I've grown fond of with her. The way she puts passion and excitement into every activity and makes it sound like something worth doing.

We are friends now, by the way. This past month of working has not only gotten easier with Liam, but Victoria as well. It's a habit for her and I to eat lunch together every day. We talk about relationships of our pasts and bond over the fact that we have both dated a person just for the sex. Sebastian for me, and a guy named Scott for her. We've related to the fact that the both of us were scared shitless by Liam when we first worked here, and that he has one of the most overwhelming presences that we've ever experienced. Things in general between us are so easy, people who don't know us would probably guess that we've been friends for much longer than just under a month.
I'm grateful for the fact that she came around to me from the first few days that I worked here. If the extent of our relationship was her giving me a few dirty looks everyday I would probably scream and go crazy, over time that is.

"Okay, if that is what you want." He says and gets up from the stool. His keys jingle as he grabs them from the marble counter and carries them in his hand. I follow him out to his truck, the air outside is wet and humid. I get into the vehicle quickly, hoping to avoid the few specks of drizzle falling. The entire ride back to my apartment I sit and watch the water drops from the rainy day slide down my window. Sam and I don't talk, but sit in silence. The tension in the air is thin though, almost as if there is none at all.

"Thanks for the ride." I mutter as my hand finds the doorknob, ready to pull it.

"Wait- Sarah." His words almost run together.

"What?" I ask, searching his face.  His eye brows are drawn together in worry, his eyes manage to look everywhere but at me and his bottom lip is quivering.

"I-I need to know if it would be okay with you..." He trails off, his hand running over his face in a nervous gesture. I bite my lips as I wander the possibilities. What would he possibly need my permission to do? He's dating my mother, not me.

"If what would be okay with me?" I push, hoping to get the anxiety of not knowing something out of my head.

"If I asked your mother to marry me." He rushes the words out and I lose my breath. He's so young, and my mothers in her early forties. They have been "together" for just under two years, but their relationship to my mother is solely sexual. That's where I got it from. From her. The idea that something more has blossomed between them is lost upon me. Is it possible that all those times my mother defended him was more than an attempt to keep him running in the other direction?

"I think that it's your life, and you don't need me to give you permission to do what you want to. Even if I disagree with it, and even if I approve of it." I tell him, avoiding his eyes afraid of any true feelings he may hold in them. Feelings that I don't want to be open to sharing with him.

I'm not sure what happened between Sam and I this past month. We used to be cordial, and it was easy to talk to him. I could pick on him and not feel any guilt but now- now everything is different. Something changed over the weeks and it's just made everything difficult. Maybe it was this revelation that will set us free from whatever net has us ensnared.

A/N: hi and sorry, it's been a long week. This chapter was going to be much longer, but I felt bad for not updating so I figure this was better than waiting a little longer. If not than omg I'm sorry :'(

I'm sorry to say that the next update probably won't happen quickly, I'm super booked this week for the preparation of my schools musical. I'll only have about a half an hour every day this week for homework and reading an such, so if I have time I will definitely be writing. I feel really bad about this because this update took me a week and I'm sorry that the next one will take a while too.

Thank you for your undying support and I'll see you next time. :)

-Rachel Xx