I stare at my phone for a few seconds as this afternoon replays in my memory. The ghost of the impact of me hitting the door causes me to take in a sharp breath.
"Who is it?" Liam asks curiously leaning forward in his chair. I glance up at him and then back to my phone before I hit the ignore button.
"No one important." I assure him and sit my phone down on the table next to me.
"Let's eat then." He smiles and leans forward, ready to serve the food. The food is very delicious, I'd never have imagined that Liam would be a good cook but yet it seems like it would be an even bigger surprise if he wasn't. Though after five minutes I feel full and begin to push my food around my plate. This mornings feud with Alex seems to have made me lose my appetite for the day. And now that I'm done eating I wonder if my night with Liam will be over or if he has something more planned. Though he did say he wanted to talk about things and that's why he wanted me to come for dinner, I can't forget that that is the reason I am here.
"What did you want to talk about?" I ask placing my fork down on the table. It's the first time either of us has talked since we began eating yet the break of silence isn't uncomfortable.
"Right. Well I told you earlier. I wanted to talk about you, and me." he says as he sets his own utensil down and pushes his plate away.
"Okay, what about us?" I ask and drop my gaze to my entwined hands under the table.
"I want to be with you." My eyes widen and I look up to him. He doesn't look like he is confused or hesitant about what he said. But yet it somehow feels like he hardly meant it.
"I-I don't understand." I stutter and shake my head. He can't be serious. He's shown little interest in me but to say that there hasn't been any would be a lie. we've kissed before, I've slept in his bed before. But it all seems so small and irrelevant.
"Just because you don't know what you want, doesn't mean you have to overthink what I want." he states and leans forward, elbows on the table as he did earlier.
"No, it's just- so what? You want to date me?" I ask trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this feels like some juvenile agreement we are trying to make.
"Date you? No. It would be purely sexual." he shrugs as if it is no big deal.
"You want me to have sex with you and that's it?" I'm trying to convince myself that what he wants is close to what I had with Sebastian. I mean, sure my relationship with Sebastian was mostly sexual, but we still considered ourselves dating. And we also did everything together. We went places together, did things together, we were an actual couple.
"Yes That's exactly it."
"Oh." I let out a breath and lean back in my chair. I look across from me at Liam, admiring his dark eyes and the five o'clock stubble on his jaw. He is a beautiful man, I can't deny that. His eyes hold so much intensity that it no longer scares me, it intrigues me. "How would- how would this work?" I ask, hoping to clarify on the proposition. I know I probably shouldn't consider even doing this with him, but a part of me, a large part of me wants to.
"Well, it would be a few times a week. I'd call to let you know when and where to meet me if not here. There isn't much to it."
"When would we start this?" I ask, hoping he understands that my questions don't necessarily mean that we have an agreement.
"After your wrist is healed. I don't want to risk hurting it further." He says with a smirk and I blush, my mind wandering with all of the possibilities. Everything has been agreeable in my mind, well the majority of it anyway. But how long would this go on? Would he eventually consider dating me, or how would this all end. I can't stand messy seperations. That is another reason that my morning with Alex is bringing me anxiety.
"When would all of this stop?" I continue with my persistent questions.
"When one of us gets tired of the other, of the agreement."
"And if that happens, what if it is only one of us that wishes to separate. Then what?" I can't imagine doing this with him, only to be dumped within the month. Not that I am assuming that is what is going to happen but what if? What if I agree to this and he hurts me far worse than anyone before has?
"That's a risk we are going to have to be willing to take." The sentence is cruel, the suggestion is cruel. I would be walking into this situation, knowing that I am bound to be the one that gets hurt.
"And if I say no to all of this? What then?" I ask, showing the first sign of my disagreement with all of this.
"You could say no. But that's not what you really want. Is it?" he suggests and my breath wavers. Whether I like it or not, this man knows me better than I know myself and I don't like it. He's right. I don't want to say no, but I also don't want to get hurt.
"You don't know what I want." I try to argue, though we both know that he knows what I want better than myself.
"You want to stop the anxiety of being so close to me, but not being able to have me. You want to be with me, just as bad as I want to be with you. That's all I need to know."
"Do you ever get tired?"
"Tired of what?" he raises an eyebrow at my topic change.
"Of playing all of these mind games. Do you only play them with me, or other people too?"
"I don't play games, Ms. Fletcher." he says sternly and I shiver. He hasn't called me by my last name all evening, and it makes the conversation sound so much more serious. I want to laugh at his statement because I've only known him to play games and nothing but. He digs his way into my mind, my thoughts and consumes them and it's aggravating. "Sarah, what is your conclusion?" asks as he stands from his chair and walks towards me.
I sigh, knowing he wants me to tell him of my decision but I don't have one. Not yet. It seems like a huge decision to make, something that I will need more time to think over. There is as much a chance of me getting hurt than there is that being with him could potentially be the best thing that I've ever experienced.
"So?" he insists as he bends down next to me, his hands grip the arm of the chair I am on and I bite my lip.
"I need some time to think about it-"
"No. I want an answer now. You shouldn't have to think about it, time will only make you overthink everything. It's a simple yes or no answer Sarah. So which is it?" He asks, his eyes boring into mine and for once I see something other than a guarded darkness. I see vulnerability and a need for something.
"Fine. You have yourself a deal." I tell him, picking up my glass from the table and take a sip from it.
A/N: hi! If this story reaches 500 votes tonight I will update at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning US Eastern time, it will vary depending on where you are from. Also I have posted the first two chapters of a new story called Dust so go check it out!! it would mean a lot :)
-Rachel Xx
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Desolation // l.p.
Fanfiction"Everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up everyone's life, but why not be the moon, to brighten in the darkest hour."
