Four days later, I feel as if I've lost myself. Hendrix's note has left me with more questions and has caused me to spend all my time thinking. All day Sunday, all I did was stay in my bed watching TV and playing around with the empty beer bottles I had hidden under my bed that I needed to add to my tree. On Monday and Tuesday, I went through the motions of going to school and taking notes and such, but I was constantly staring out of the windows or off into space not paying attention trying to calm the buzzing in my brain. Finally on Wednesday, I faked sick to stay home because my brain hurt so much from thinking over it and because I just didn't know what to think anymore. This isn't the first time I've felt like this, but this is the first time I've felt this confused and lost.
So that's why now, on Thursday, I'm trudging my way through the woods carrying a sack over my shoulder that contained all of the beer bottles that were under my bed to my beer bottle tree. It's been a while since I've been here, and I think it'll help me clear my mind. For me, if I spend my time doing something that relaxes me, it's easier to clear my mind, and I might possibly be able to clear my mind enough to put more pieces of my scatter-brained puzzle together so that I'll be able to feel like myself again.
That's all that I hope for at this point really.
Ever since this accident happened, nothing has ever been the same even though I try to pretend that it is. I know I've said this many times, but I can't seem to let it go. The whole thing makes my stomach clench whenever I think about it. I do know that I changed my way of living because Hendrix told me it, but I don't know exactly why I felt like I needed to change myself for Sage to notice me (he hasn't said anything yet for me to think otherwise). Why I became friends with those girls and left my friends behind also makes no sense to me as that reason is also unclear.
I hate this feeling of not knowing. The unknown is a scary thing to think about to me because there is no way of knowing what is going to happen.
Finally walking up to my beer bottle tree, I let a sigh of relief escape my lips. Maybe now I'll be fine. I drop my sack gently to the ground and go over to the tree roots grabbing my strings. One by one, I pull the bottles out of the sack and tie the string around the necks and set them on the side. As I went around the tree tying the bottles to the branches, I hum the Our Last Night song Younger Dreams clearing my mind. As I get into the song, I start singing it out loud and stop what I'm doing taking a step back from the tree at the same time. Still singing it, I take the time to look from beer bottle to beer bottle and the dates I wrote on them remembering what each of them stand for. Doing so makes me realize how many mistakes I've made in my life. My body sinks down and I start crying thinking about what each of these bottles represent.
As I sit there crying in my own pity, I realize that I can change this. I can do something to stop myself from making these same mistakes over and over again. My body jolts upward as adrenaline pumps through my veins, and I go to tear off the bottles. Before I can do so, I stop and scream as I tore at my hair trying to release all of my anger but not knowing how. I walk backwards trying to get away as the feeling of being choked creeps up on me, but I trip on a tree root and fall on my butt gasping out in surprise as a cold feeling takes hold of me.
"If I do this, I can change. If I do this, I can make my parents love me again. If I do this, I can become a better person. But if I do this, I will leave behind what's always been familiar to me," I see myself say off to the side with a pile of objects a little ways in front of her. She is crying heavily with her face looking blotchy and red, and I'm shocked to know that this is me. I've never seen myself so weak.
She struggles to pull a lighter out of her pocket before she lets the flame grow and throw it on the pile. I look over at the pile finally realizing what it was. It was things from my room that I could no longer find: things from exes and old friends. I stand there confused before she turns to me breaking the chain of the returning of memories by speaking to me.
"Don't let this happen again," she whispers out before disappearing along with the rest of the memory.
I lay on the ground thinking about what I just saw for a few minutes before my phone goes off signaling that I had a new text message. With shaking hands, as I'm still not over what just happened, I reached for my phone and typed in the password.
Izzie: Hey can we talk? I'm in the neighborhood, and I thought I could come over.
Me: Um sure. I'm walking home right now, so I can just meet you in the driveway.
Izzie: Okay! That's great because I don't have a lot of time as I'm going meet my cousin later.
Me: Okay see you then I guess.
I stand up pocketing my phone and start on my trek back to my house. As I do so, I plug in my ear buds drowning myself into my music so that I don't think about what just went down. In no time at all, I arrive back at my house just before Izzie pulled up. I tucked away my ear buds and walked up to Izzie's car.
"Hey Kade! Long time no see! How have you been?" Izzie asks getting out of her car coming around the side to engulf me into a strong hug.
"I'm doing good. What about you?" I ask her breaking away from the hug and looking at her.
"Oh I'm good! Just going with my cousin to the doctor after this because she's been feeling funny for a few days," Izzie says shaking her head showing that she believes it's nothing serious and that her cousin is overreacting.
"Oh well I hope she's okay," I say showing concern before I change the topic. "So what did you want to talk about?"
"About the group," she half whispers looking around afraid that someone may be spying or listening in.
"The group?" I ask her a bit confused.
"You know. . . us," she says gesturing between the two of us. Realization dawns on me when I figure out she means her and those girls. I nod for her to continue which she does. "I know you don't remember this, so I'm going to tell you what might happen before it does again. The other three tortured you real bad. They pulled pranks on you and tried to sabotage your life. You came to me crying pleading for me to believe you, which I did by the way in case you're wondering. We were going to get them back and then. . . this happened. I think that they might try to do that again because they see you at a. . . weak mental state. I know you might not believe me, but I swear I'm telling you the truth. Please believe me."
She comes and hugs me again for a long time before looking around again and getting into her car. Izzie drives off leaving me standing there in my driveway shocked.
* * *
Author's Note: Sorry about the late update, but I had some stuff to take care of. If you look on my message board you can see an update on there explaining what happened, or you got an e-mail with it. Again, super sorry about it!!! This story is almost to 1k reads you guys!!! This is amazing!! Please help me reach it!! As always, I love you all!! XOXO!!
~jnicoleb1234 out!
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Can you Remember? #Wattys2016
RomantikSeventeen- year-old Kade has everything she wants. She has the perfect boyfriend, friends, grades, and parents. All of that changes in an instance... For some reason, Kade can't remember anything that happened in the last seven months. She is co...
