Close As Lovers

One.

Close As Lovers Rewritten. Copyright © March 2020. All rights reserved.

Song: Sound of Your Heart- Shawn Hook

Wes, Journal Entry One: The Return of An Absent Feeling

What can substitute love?

I've wondered what emotion could be powerful enough to cover even an inch of what love feels like. There's never been a clear answer to me, never one I could see that could possibly replace it or make me forget. So, I found another way.

Distraction. While it wasn't necessarily a feeling, the distractions I found were enough to make me forget a feeling like love ever existed.

And then she planted herself in my heart.

I had known since the beginning there was something different about her. When we were younger, I just thought she was someone who fit me well enough that being around her was natural, like her and I were those last two puzzle pieces that finally connected so easily, that breath of relief when it all comes together. As we grew older, that feeling never changed. She was always my perfect puzzle piece. I could describe every little moment where I saw her and my heart instantly knew, but then I'd be writing a library worth of literature, so I'll keep it to the significants. This being for the sake of this poor journal and the fact that this dumb thing is just for some English class that I will never apply to any part of my life but is for some reason required of me for a general education credit (no offense, prof).

When I picked her up for her first party.

The her I knew had grown up, and it took me ten years to finally see it-- to see her. The little girl with pigtails, doe eyes, little flower studs, and the necklace I bought her for her birthday, was suddenly the beautiful women whose hair laid in perfect waves over her shoulders, silver hoops peeking through loose strands, her ice blue eyes sparkling like the sun reflecting against a body of water, and that same necklace-- slightly rusted after all those years-- resting gently against her chest as if it had always belonged there. That was the first time I really felt it, the way my heart seemed to do somersaults in my chest. I couldn't name that feeling then, but I knew. It was too real to deny.

When I left her the first time.

Even after all those years, I questioned why. Why had I been so stupid, so blind? Why did I let my rage and jealousy get the best of me? I should've stayed. I should've told her how I really felt instead of the lies I spit. But I had to fit in and be what everyone else expected of me, and in that process, I lost the only person who mattered. God, I can never forget how she looked then. She tried so hard to be strong, but I could see how I was breaking her. Everything had been a blur. But then I watched her crumble in front of me, and it's something that's haunted me for years. Before I walked away from her, I felt that feeling in my heart again, and my subconscious was screaming its name, but I fought it away. I wish I wouldn't have. It was the way her skin grew sickeningly pale as if she had been face to face with a ghost, how her hand gripped the necklace against her chest, but the worst part was her eyes... I didn't just break her heart. I broke her soul. And I'll never forgive myself.

And finally, when I came back from London.

I returned after three years when I promised two. I knew she would hate me for it, but I needed to fix myself so I could be what she deserved-- the me she knew before everything. I hated treating her how I did while I was gone, but I needed her to grow without me. She needed it too. When she ran down the stairs that day, my heart finally let out a breath of relief, as if after all those years, it had walked home to stay. She grew into the woman I knew she would become one day. She had always been beautiful, but that day, she was angelic. While the hurt laid thick in her eyes because of me, I didn't miss the way her entire body relaxed or how her eyes lit up, or how the dimples she had kept hidden for years finally showed again. She would deny it, but she missed me. And if only she had known how much I had always missed her.