99 Steps

Step 14: Take it Back

"Babe!" Mark called, rushing after Jack inside. He clearly said something wrong on the way back from getting their tattoos done. Jack stopped talking and went inside without saying anything once they got back.

"Jack come on, I'm a moron, I'm sorry. I need to learn to filter my words before I speak." He pushed open Jack's bedroom door, only to see his green haired boyfriend face down in the pillow. He didn't even take off his shoes.

"Jack I hate it when you're mad or upset. Just talk to me. Please?" Mark sat down, watch Jack. The Irishman, however, wasn't upset about anything Mark said. It was the fact that he realized that once he moved back with his mother he wouldn't be able to live with Mark anymore. They couldn't see each other every day, they wouldn't even be able to talk every day due to the time difference. He didn't want to see Mark, or talk to him, right now. Jack just had too much going through his head; he just needed time to think.

Apparently, burying your face in the pillows to hide your tears wasn't enough to keep your boyfriend out of your room.

"Just leave me alone."

"Babe, what did I do?"

"Nothing." Jack pushed his face further into the pillow, hearing his voice crack.

"Then what's wrong? Please just tell me." Mark grabbed Jack's leg, giving it a light squeeze as some form of comfort.

"I just need to think." He pulled his leg away, only to have Mark grab the back if his thigh this time.

"You can talk to me. I'd actually prefer it if you did." The red haired man ran his thumb back and forth across the tight jeans that hugged Jack's legs.

"I'd prefer you don't hear my thoughts." Jack looked out to the window, taking the risk of Mark seeing his reddened face. A heart broken "oh" was the only sound before Mark got up, and slowly walked up stairs to do something else.

Jack didn't want his red haired boyfriend to feel bad for him thinking about the future. He just couldn't help it; he seemed to think too much about the future. It almost scared him. In middle school he would always freak out at night because he never knew what he wanted to have as a job. Jack would think himself to sleep about his sexuality, feeling like it was eating away at his insides. Now all he wanted to be when he grew up was dead. For Mark, though, he always thought twice about that.

2:17 AM. Jack's head hurt from the steady flow of silent tears rolling down his face into the pillow. He still had a while here, so why was he freaking out now? Why was his brain tearing itself apart now? Mark didn't come back down stairs, he was probably sleeping like any sane person would at this point. Jack picked up his phone, scrolling through the old numbers he never started conversations with. He came across one, a flower emoji next to the four letter name.

Jack:

It's been a while...

I miss you a lot you know.

Maybe I'll see you tomorrow morning, maybe I'll wake up and these past few months would have just been a bad dream.

I'm sorry.

I would have stayed up with you, I would have helped. I just...

I see why you didn't mind nearly dying all those times. It's almost fun.

Mark seems nice, he's sweet. He's really caring and, idk, I just hope that I don't seem so rude. You were the last person I had a close bond with, and... I mean now I'm texting your old number like a fucking insane person.

Mark took me out today, I just guess I'm sorry for every little thing I've ever done wrong. I freaked out at him like we used to at eachother. It's insane.

I'm sorry I've always been a shit person, maybe I could have done something else and we wouldn't have gone to that party.

Reliving all the moments that he texted Zoey's old number, he broke down again. Seeing all the 'unread' marks hit him in the chest like a dagger. Jack knew that Zoey was dead; but every day when he woke up, he still thought about her. He always had a small glimmer of hope that one day she would text back. Jack wiped his eyes and typed a new message.

We got rid of all my stuff. I still smoke, and cut occasionally. I still cry myself to sleep some nights, other nights I'll drink myself to sleep. Most of the time though, I just pop a few pills and pass out. Mark, though... it's nice having him. He'll talk to me until I fall asleep. He really works hard to make sure I eat and take care of myself. He even paid for me to get those tattoos I always wanted. I got one dedicated to you. We also got matching birds, today actually. I'm just freaking out because I'm going to have to go back to Ireland in a while. Mark can't come with me. See my problem? I don't know, I miss you.

He hit send, watching the 'unread' symbol for a little bit to see if it would change. Of course, it didn't. Jack let out a frustrated sigh, and threw his phone off his bed. He rolled onto his back, looking at the plane white ceiling. He had to talk to Mark.

That's what Mark told Jack, he needed to open up about things that really bothered him, he needed to let people know how he really felt. He expecially needed to talk when ever he thought about his old ways; and Zoey.

2:35, Mark was definitely sleeping, Jack looked to the wall, then to the window, then back to the ceiling. Jack closed his eyes, breathing deep, trying to focus on something other than images of Zoey as they flashed through his head, and how he felt like he was using Mark to forget about her.

Jack's body shuddered, and he reached for his phone, typing a message to Zoey.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to replace you, but I can't help but feel like I'm using him. I don't want to tell him, because I love him. I don't know what to do.

After a few minutes of complete silence, soft steps came down the stairs, and Mark made his way through the doorway.

"I heard you, and I figured you could use a hug." He made his way onto the bed, sleepily pulling Jack into his chest, rubbing his back as the smaller man cried into his shirt.

"I just honestly feel like I'm using you, but I love you, so much. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me." Jack clutched his shirt, and breathed in Mark's warm scent, which really helped him calm down.

"You haven't been sleeping well lately, alright. Just take deep breaths and just close your eyes. Don't worry about feeling like your using me. As long as you love me, I can handle anything you throw my way." Mark kept saying calm, reassuring things, allowing Jack to fall asleep.

AN// you guys like the new cover? I almost got hit like 6 times trying to get a nice picture. Also I probably am going to put off working on this until the weekend. Saturday I think is Mark's Livestream, so I probably won't work during that. Idk I feel like this chapter is really bad, and I feel like I'm forgetting details I added before.