99 Steps

Step 12: Make Yourself Secure

How would you feel about yourself if you were getting better, but stumbled once, and dived back into your old habits?

Jack opened his notebook, bringing his hand to his face, biting on his nails. He looked over at his phone, which was playing a new song by his favorite band. Jack looked back at the blank page, and started writing.

This is my sick, twisted way of showing you that I care. 

Jack hunched over the desk, sketching out rows of nooses behind the words, along with pill bottles in the corners. He smeared the letters down, looking like grey blood running down the wall. He added a few finishing touches before sitting up and cracking his back.

Mark knocked on his door, causing him to slam his notebook shut before Mark could see anything.

"What?" Jack turned to look at him. His voice had a light tone, nowhere near as sour as Mark's was. Clearly someone was still mad about the other day.

"You have to come with me for lunch. Be ready in a half hour." Mark left the room, slamming Jack's door behind him.

"You don't have to be so fucking mad, Mark. I left, but I'm back. I'm safe. Maybe you should he happy I haven't killed myself yet." Jack stood up, yelling through the wall. Maybe he should just kill himself. Maybe Mark wouldn't mind finding him dead one morning. Maybe he would be doing everyone a favor. Maybe his mom was back home, waiting for the call that her son had finally killed himself.

"No." Jack said out loud, turning up the music, singing along. It was something Jack wouldn't do that much, but he was in a weird mood today. For once, Jack wasn't Jack. Jack was Sean. Sean was happy, no matter how severe the depression was, he would laugh and dance, sing, and feel as light as a feather - even if he was listening to songs about people committing suicide.

He tugged on a sweatshirt, being it was cloudy, and the way Mark said they were going to lunch, he assumed there would be other people. Other people that Jack didn't want seeing his scars. Thinking about it now, he wished he had never shown Mark, or opened up to him. Now he was just being an ass, ruining Jack's good day.

He choose dark skinny jeans, a nice contrast to the grey hoodie. Plus, his beanie would match, his bright hair really being the only color. Aside from his purple socks that is.

Jack looked in the mirror, messing with his hair. He and Mark went together. When they went back, Mark changed his color to a bright red. Jack just stuck with green. It was nice, but not so nice at the same time. Just like Jack. However, he was more not so nice, than he was nice.

"Alright, let's go!" Mark yelled from upstairs, klomping down the steps.

"Why the hell are you still mad at me?" Jack stepped around the corner, stepping up the stairs more quietly.

"I have every right to be mad at you still."

"Why though?" Jack followed Mark to the car, "And why are we going out for lunch if you hate me so much?"

Mark turned up the radio, speeding down the street. "Real fucking mature, there, Marky." Jack rolled his eyes. What was the point in trying to be so happy? Because he had Mark? Right. So much for that healing plan. Mark wasn't caring nearly as much as he was when Jack first got here, and it wasn't helping at all.

Walking to their table, Jack was greeted by two people he had never seen before. Mark smiled, and said hello, acting like nothing was wrong, so he just stood there awkwardly.

"And you are?" The girl turned to face Jack, who thought about introducing himself as Sean, since he was happy, and at least had been doing better. But then if he got worse, he would need to tell them to call him Jack, and they would just get confused.

"That's Jack." Mark said, almost instantly. He gave Jack a dirty look, smiling back at the girl. "This is Alice." He held her gaze for a couple of seconds, before turning to the other person, who didn't exactly look like a male or female. "This is Ash."

Jack forced a smile, raising a hand in a waving type of gesture.

"Well, let's order." Mark talked mostly to the other two, not really paying attention to Jack at all. It didn't hurt, Jack had learned to not get hurt by people anymore. He just sat silently, eating, then wondering what Mark would think if he went to the bathroom to throw it all up. Would he even notice? 

Jack got up, feeling like he had already gained 10 pounds from eating lunch. He pushed his chair in, looking at Mark, who didn't even notice he got up, and turned around and walked to that bathrooms.

Luckily there was nobody else inside. Quickly he locked the stall door, and got on his knees. Jack took a deep breath, pushing a finger to the back of his throat, triggering his gag reflex. His throat burned as chunks of undigested food filled the toilet. 

Jack knew that he didn't like doing this, that's why he usually just didn't eat. But Mark was all that was helping him, and right now he didn't seem to care. If Mark didn't care, then why should Jack? Why shouldn't he just let himself go: overdose after not sleeping or eating for a few days, while his own blood ran down his arms?

"Jack?" Mark had pushed the bathroom door open, instantly seeing what stall Jack was in. He tried to push the door open, but quickly learned that it was locked..

"You don't have to fucking pretend you like me anymore." Jack flushed the toilet, already feeling how empty his stomach was.

"I never was pretending." Mark's voice betrayed him, letting his worry seep through his words.

"Well," Jack hung his head, not knowing what else to say. Other than when he got mad for Jack leaving, Mark had been so supportive and caring. Hell, Mark even asked Jack out because he liked him so much. 

"I care about you a lot. Alright? I feel like I say that all the time, but I feel like you forget that. I'm sorry that I got so mad at you. It must have seemed like I stopped caring about you, but I didn't. Not once. I just," Through the crack between the stall door and wall, Jack could see Mark sit down. "I got scared, and I don't know how to handle that feeling."

"Just like I don't know how to handle anger? Or some of those other feelings that I don't know the words for?" Jack stood up, reaching for the lock on the door.

"Yeah, I guess so." Jack opend the door, seeing Mark rubbing his temples with his eyes closed. "I at least hope you know not to hate me." Mark looked up, smiling weakly at his boyfriend.

"Of course not. I know for a fact I love you." Jack reached out his hand, pulling Mark up.

"I love you too, Baby Boy. Don't ever forget that."