99 Steps

Step 23: Accept

Instantly, Mark's head shot up, looking at Jack as he ate. He was going to say something, but he didn't want to.

Can anybody hear me?
Can anybody see me?
Cause I think I lost my way
Put the gun down, Just put the gun down

Will anybody watch me?
Is someone gonna stop me?
This could be my last mistake

"Why haven't you been talking to me?" Mark asked, slightly disappointed that Jack had been keeping his thoughts to himself.

Jack just blinked, his eyes not leaving his plate of eggs and toast.

"Jack."

"I..." He shook his head. "I just, you've been so happy because you thought I was getting better. And, I didn't want to tell you. You'd be frustrated that I'm a lost cause."

"You're not." Mark sat up straight, leaning onto the table slightly to look at Jack.

"Yeah, I am." Jack locked eyes with Mark. "I've been this way for years. Nobody cared about me, my own damn mother doesn't even care about me! Why do you care so much?" He could feel his throat starting to burn, getting more upset at how emotional he always was.

"I care because you're my boyfriend. I love you for fuck sake. Not only that but I'm supposed to be helping you. You need to talk to me." Mark nearly started yelling, but he forced his voice to stay quiet.

"Fine. I'm not getting better, not at all. I want to fucking die! Any chance I get, I think about taking it! I need to smoke, I'm fucking tempted to sneak out and steal your car so I can go drink, the only reason I don't is because I never have any motivation!" Water pooled in his eyes, making everything fuzzy.

Mark's shoulders dropped in defeat.

"I don't know what to do, Mark." Jack looked back down, fighting back his tears.

"Just eat for now."

The next hour or so was filled with not-so-demanding commands for Jack to do things, like "shower", "make sure you brush your teeth", "change your clothes", "Why don't you make your bed", "Jack, come back up here. You can't nap right now", "Help me with the dishes, please". He got them all done, even if it took him a while. Now all he wanted to do was sleep.

"Go get whatever you want to bring." Mark stated as he walked into his room.

"Where are we going?" Jack stood by the couch, about to lay down.

"We're going to go to the park and have a picnic."

"A picnic?" Jack echoed.

"A picnic."

"Well, how - do - A fucking picnic isn't going to make everything all better." Jack stumbled over his own words.

"I'm trying here, Jack. What else do you want me to do? Well else makes you happy?" Mark walked into the room, and crossed his arms.

"Music. Music makes me happy. Permanently staining my skin," he gestured to his sleeve of tattoos, "makes me happy. A lot of things make me happy, but being happy doesn't mean I'm not depressed anymore." The green haired man dropped his hands in defeat, shaking his head. "If you're so set in curing my depression, then we should probably look into antidepressants."

Instantly, Mark started shaking his head. "No, no, no, no, no! I'm not about to have you going back to taking pills."

"Why?"

"You were addicted to all sorts of pills when you showed up here, and I'm not about to have you go back. It doesn't even seem reasonable." The older man made quick movements with his body, trying to get his point across.

"Mark..." Jack was going to say something back, but he suddenly felt so defeated, so he didn't say anything. "I just wish I could be better. I just wish that for one fucking day, I could wake up and go without thinking about how I could die, or how terrible my life is, or... or anything like that. I just wish I could be normal." He felt so small and weak each time he opened up about how he truly felt, but he also felt the smallest bit better afterwards.

"I just want to try anything and everything to get this out of my head." Jack looked up to meet Mark's gaze, who instantly opened his arms to engulf the smaller man in a warm and loving hug. Jack could feel tears wetting his eyes, and he didn't try to fight them back.

"Jack, I love you. I love you so much, and I don't want to get you back on pills because the chance of you over dosing is just too high. I don't want to risk it."

"But I do! If I overdose and die, then so what?" He had to take a few breaths, and let out a few sobs before continuing, but Mark cut him off.

"If you die, then I'll hurt, so much, knowing that there was probably something I could have done differently." It was quiet for a few moments, aside from Jack's muffled sniffs. "Have you ever heard the saying 'Suicide doesn't end pain, it just passes it on to someone else'?".

Jack nodded, and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

"Well its true. If you were to kill yourself, that might end the pain for you, but then I would be in pain."

Jack nodded again, squeezing Mark as tightly as he could with his weak arms. He had been slowly gaining more weight, though. He wished it could be like this forever and ever; in Mark's arms, holding eachother close. It was somewhere he felt safe, somewhere he was happy. Even though he was crying and felt so defeated, he knew that he would live to see another day. All because Mark fucking Fischbach had to care so much about Jack.

Sorry for the shorter chapters, I'm just trying to keep the story going as best I can, along with making sure the step matches the general idea of the chapter.