99 Steps

Step 6: Believe

Mark opened his eyes, alarm shooting through him when he realized that he had slept all day. Jack was still sleep, his brown hair falling just above his eyes.

"I shouldn't be doing this." Mark looked at their bodies, which were innocently tangled together. He slowly moved Jack's limbs away from his. He stepped to the door, looking back.

"Don't tell anyone." Jack kept his eyes closed, but he spoke directly to Mark.

"What would I tell?" Mark took his hand away from the door.

"That I cried. That I broke down. That I showed any emotions."

"I wouldn't. But why?" Mark sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Jack's face and how he still looked

Jack didn't reply. He was over thinking again. He was thinking about last night, and how he stayed up all night, and how he couldn't stand the silence. He was thinking about how he turned on music, turning it up just loud enough so he couldn't hear himself think, because he scared himself when he thought too much. He thought about how he ignored Mark when he came downstairs. He thought about how he told Mark to read the notebook, and how he told Mark he was gay. He thought about how he broke down, and how his drunkenness didn't scare Mark away, and how they cuddled.

"Jack?" Mark grabbed Jack's hand, looking him in the eye. "Why would I tell?"

"Because that's what people do." Jack rolled over, trying to fall back asleep so he could feel dead. Jack didn't dream like normal people, he just watched the back of his eye lids. When Jack slept, it was like he was dead.

Jack had a love-hate relationship with death. He would drink, and do drugs, and party, all just to laugh in Death's face. But, once it was night time, he would sleep for hours. It was like he was dead, laughing in Life's face. It was an endless cycle.

"Maybe other people have, but I wouldn't. Alright. Believe me."

"I'll believe you when..." Jack tried to think of a time when he would believe Mark, but he couldn't.

"When?" Mark asked, laying down in his spot by Jack again.

"I don't know." Jack looked at him, wishing he could absorb some of his happiness by looking in his eyes. Maybe if he could do that, all his problems would disappear.

"It's alright." Mark pulled Jack onto his chest, holding him close. "You know, we met not too long ago. One thing I can't stop wishing, is to see inside your head."

"No. No you don't want to see inside my head. It's terrible. Trust me, I have tried to kill myself, I can only imagine you would actually be able to successfully kill yourself if you-" Jack stopped, burying his face in Mark's chest. He wasn't making any sense and he was ranting on again, not filtering his words. "Don't listen to me, I'm stupid."

"It's not stupid, and I don't know if it's easier for you. I mean talking about things, but I like listening to you."

Jack didn't like the thought if Mark growing on him, because if he wanted to die one day, then Mark would be hurt. Jack didn't want that.

He got up, looking around for his sleeping pills. Jack wanted to sleep, even though he already slept all night and day. He found them, in the bottom of the bag with all his clothes, along with his needles. He hasn't used heroine in a while, he managed to wean himself away from it, but seeing them... it made him want to shoot up again.

"Whatcha doing, Jack?" Mark sat up, trying to figure out what Jack was looking at in his bag. He almost jumped back at how quickly Jack threw everything back in his bag, and put something in his mouth.

"Bad times. Bad things I want to do again. Bad habits." Jack mumbled as he laid down, as far away from Mark as he could. "Turn on music and leave please. I can't," Mark sat up slowly, confused as to what was happening to Jack, why he was acting this way.

"Are you okay, if I leave are you sure you'll be okay?" Mark walked to the radio, about to turn on the music.

"Just leave!" Jack jumped up, pushing Mark out of the room. He locked the door, breathing hard. Mark could hear him on the other side of the door, because he didn't turn on the music.

"Jack, please, I don't know what's happening, but I need you to open the door, okay. Just please open the door and come on out." Mark kept his hand on the door nob, waiting for Jack to move. But he didn't. He sat with his back to the door, his eyes wide as old memories flashed through his head, suddenly making him want to use the same drugs, and do the same stuff.

"Jack please, just..." Mark gave up, but he didn't make any noise. He sat in the hall, listening for Jack. Suddenly the heavy breathing stopped. And some thing sounded like it fell.

"Jack?" Mark jumped up, and opened the door, Jack must have unlocked it. He barged into the room, seeing Jack laying on the bed. Almost like everything was normal. Almost.

He looked around for anything that could have told him why Jack was acting the way he was.

"Just take it all, please. I can't keep living if you don't. I can't stand it. I can't relive those memories." Jack covered his eyes and rolled over.

Mark looked around, seeing the bag on the ground. "Jack, do you mind if I?"

"Fucking take it!" Jack screamed into the pillow. He pulled at his hair, almost like the needles that were unknown to him had brought alive a demon in Jack's head. Which it did, really.

Mark dug through the bag, having to stop and sit back for a second. Needles and glass bottles where littered along the bottom of the bag. He quickly grabbed them all, rushing up the stairs and outside to throw them away. Mark quickly ran back downstairs, to find Jack crying into his pillow.

"Jack, what's wrong, tell me. Vent whatever is in the head of yours. I don't care how you think it sounds I want to hear."

Jack crawled into Mark's lap, grabbing his shirt and burying his face in his neck.

Black shadows danced along the walls of his bedroom, taunting laughs ringing out and echoing in his head. "Nobody is going to miss you. Just end it now."

Jack ran the razor along his wrist again, the drugs and alcohol making his vision blurry. The red lines danced across his skin, blood running down and staining his pants. He wished he could cry, but he was so numb it seemed impossible. He came to the red dots the needles left behind, cutting right over them.

"Shh, sh. Jack it's alright. Okay? Just close your eyes and go to sleep. I don't need to hear anymore okay?" Mark laid down, keeping Jack on his chest. He covered them up, kissing Jack on his head. "Believe me, baby boy, it's going to be okay."

Jack quickly fell asleep, cuddling closer to the warmth of Mark's body. Mark sighed, realizing how difficult it would really be to help Jack. It was a journey that he was willing to take.