99 Steps

Step 49: Relive

"Sean?"

Jack's mother stood there, looking at him, and he looked at her. Neither one of them were extremely happy, or showing any emotion for that matter. It was a blank face looking at a blank face.

His name broke the air, and it felt like a million years before he could bring himself to reply. "Hi mom."

She took a step back, her hand finally dropping from the door handle, and back to her side. She made a sweeping motion for her son to enter. "Come sit."

Jack couldn't tell if she was happy to see him, and as they made their way to the kitchen table, he couldn't tell if he was happy to see her. The house was almost exactly the same, minus a few family photos that had been swapped for basic photography shots of flowers and the sun and such. She must have cut herself out of the family completely.

"Tea?" She was already heating the water on the stove for herself, so he nodded his head. Jack noticed that she wouldn't look at him, only the groud. He was okay with that, because he only wanted to look the opposite direction.

A few decades must have passed before the cup of tea was set in front of him, and his mother sat across from him. Jack noticed the redness around her eyes and a few stray tears down her cheeks. She was crying.

"Mom, what's -"

"It didn't help. Pushing you away like that. You're still skin and bones, the bags are still hanging heavy under your eyes. Your voice is dull and tired like when you'd have a hangover after being out with Zoey for the night. The only thing that's changed is your..." She waved her arm around, "You have tattoos and green hair."

Jack shook his head and looked down. He didn't want the tea anymore. "It's a lot more than that."

"Tell me, if you being away has made you a better man, tell me." She didn't seem to want her tea either.

"A whole lifetime has seemed to happen. And that lifetime was good, then better, then it went straight to hell. I didn't try too hard to change it. Not til it was too late. That's all there really is to it."

"No, Sean. That's not all there is to it."

Jack met his mother's stern look, holding it for a while.

"He was so strange to me at first. Like he was too happy, or something. So ready to help some fucked up kid sent all the way from Ireland." He told his mom everything, reliving every vivid memory of him and his boyfriend at the time. She was sucking it all in like a giant sponge. He paused every once in a while to drink some tea, and so would his mom. They sat at the table for at least a few hours.

"Kloee, she had a party one night, and I went. I really shouldn't have, because it was supposed to be our night to reset and in the morning we were going to get breakfast. Kinda start over." Jack looked to his mom, then down to his coffee cup. There's no way this could be a good idea; telling his mom everything. How could he know she wouldn't freak out again, or what if he told her and she beat him, just like Mark did?

"Uhm, Mark left me there alone, at the house, and I went to the party anyways. It really wasn't a good idea, nothing about this damn trip was." He couldn't tell her. She would rub it in that men don't treat women like that. She would say that it was because Jack was gay and it wasn't right. Or something.

"You know I was struggling with everything, right?" His mother piped up, sipping her tea. "It wasn't right to send you away like that but some part of me thought it would be, that you would be able to get better. I couldn't keep the family together, your dad and siblings hate me, I honestly thought it would be best for you."

"Sending me away to some camp in America with a douche bag to help me, that was the best option?"

"What's done is done and I can't change it, but I really am sorry for being so arrogant and -"

"He beat me." There it was. Out in the open. Free for all judgemental ears to take. "A few days after that it was the first time he beat me. I thought I was gonna fucking die, he shoved me into the wall and punched me in the jaw." Jack managed to not break down thinking about that night, and he kept his voice steady. "I was laying on the ground, curling in on myself, and he wouldn't fucking stop." He watched his mother's face for a little bit, seeing all the different emotions flashing behind her eyes.

She opened her mouth to speak, just Jack cut her off.

"Earlier that night we were laying in bed, and he saw all the scratches, the bruises. At that party, I was drugged. And raped. And Mark beat me within an inch of my life for it." It felt harder to breathe, like his lungs were collapsing in on themselves. "I don't think it's your fault but if you would have just let me deteriorate into nothing on my bed, none of that would have happened."

"Sean," Tears welled up in her eyes, and her voice cracked. "Sean, I'm so sorry."

"From there everything went down hill." He kept going, trying not to break down.

"Sean, please don't brush by that." She reached for his hand across the table. "Please."

"I never should have gone to that party. If I just stayed in I would have been fine. We would have gone and got breakfast in the morning, have a fresh start." Jack looked down to his hand, in his mothers. "If you never would have sent me away I would have never ended up in America." A stray tear rolled down his cheek. "If I never would have gone out with Zoey that night she would still be alive." He smiled painfully, nodding. "It always comes back to a damn party. No matter what it's all on me."

"Sean, you can't blame yourself, it's not healthy." She kept going on, but Jack wasn't listening. He stood up and brought his cup to the sink, leaving the kitchen for his bedroom.

A whole new wave of emotions slammed into his chest as he opened the door. Everything was the exact same, even the covers on his bed where thrown about the same way he left them when he frantically scrambled for his stuff. Oh, the wild rollercoaster that slammed through his head as he stood there.

fuck it you can just have this chapter bc it's been a month I'll split the rest into a second one also I didn't edit it so it's probably , definitely, shit but I may or may not be a little tipsy atm so fuck off buddy pal thanks