99 Steps

Step 17: Fear

Fear was something everyone felt at one point or another. There is different kinds of fear too. You could be scared of clowns, or spiders. You could be scared of death, or the future. You could be scared of happiness, or pain. Who knows? 

Jack usually only felt fear when he thought about dealing with the future, and how his mother had always told him "Your life went to shit, you're going to have to deal with that someday you know." When she said that, he usually thought about killing himself that same night. Otherwise, dying? Jack was never afraid of dying, infact he embraced the idea that one day he could close his eyes and never have to deal with any kind of bullshit ever again. 

Mark, on the other hand, was terrified of death. He embraced living and being able to laugh and love. So ho do you think he reacted when he found his boyfriend nearly dead? 

He freaked out. Blood was everywhere, he could hardly feel a pulse, and Jack wasn't waking up. His first instinct was to call an ambulance, but something in him stopped him from doing that. Instead, he got towels soaked in warm water and began cleaning the blood off of the pale, cold thighs. He avoided calling for any kind of help, and once he got him cleaned up, he brought him upstairs and placed him in his bed.

Jack opened his eyes, and was frozen with that familiar feeling of fear. The first thought that came to his mind was 'Why am I alive?' Then he thought maybe he was, in fact dead, but his soul was for some reason bound to earth. He looked to his left, then to his right, recognizing he was in Mark's room. Mark was actually sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands.

"You do care." Jack looked up at the ceiling, not really caring if Mark heard him or not. He was really just arguing with his past thoughts out loud. One might even say he was trying to reassure himself.

"Jack?" Mark looked over, his face red and puffy from hours of crying.

"Unfortunately, yes." 

"Oh my God! I'm - I mean - Why?" Mark thought he already knew why. In his head, he pushed Jack, then made him feel bad, which drove him to try and kill himself.

"Why? Why not? Clearly my reasoning doesn't matter because you saved me. Or what ever bullshit you want to say." Jack closed his eyes, looking to just fall back asleep.

"Yes, your reasoning does matter, because I need to know these things. I can't just let you die! That's not how couples work!" Mark stood up, sticking his arms out to the sides, pushing his head and chest towards Jack, his anger shining boldly. 

"Just let me go back to sleep. Maybe even let me die when it happens again." The green haired boy rolled over, inhaling the scent Mark left on his pillows. He hated to admit it, but it made him calm down and feel safe.

"No. You're not going to try and kill yourself, I won't let you hurt yourself again." Mark stormed out o the room, slaming the bedroom door behind him. Jack could hear him talking to himself, and tossing things around, but he tried to concentrate on nights that they would cuddle together.

"I hate to say it, but there is going to be a day you walk this world with out me, Markimoo." Jack mumbled into the pillow, drifting off to another dreamless sleep.

Mark was pacing back and fourth, freaking himself out even more. He hated the fact that Jack was so convinced that he was just destined to kill himself, and how Mark was going to live longer. He threw a knife, making it stab into the wall. He ran his hands over his face, pushing his glasses off onto the ground. Not bothering to grab the knife out of the wall, he flipped off the lights and laid down on the couch. He didn't care that he was going to sleep in his jeans, or that he probably broke his glasses, or at least they were sitting right where they could easily be broken. All Mark cared about was that Jack stayed safe. Somehow, he had to make sure Jack got better.

AN// shitty short chapter, sorry

also idk man i feel like i dont do a very good job of writing jack's character, and writing out his thoughts and actions. honestly though, like i just kind model everything he does, and the way he acts after me.

plot twist, this book is actually how i vent bc im to much of a pussy to talk to people about my feelings and shit.

also, this story is insane. like dont get me wrong im so happy that people love it, and it amazes me that i have made people cry more than once with my thoughts and words blows my fucking mind. sorry if im ruining anything for you, but i just felt like you guys should know where my insparation comes from in case if things start to get crazy, or if jack doesnt seem depressed and suicidal, or if mark starts to get twisted and weird or some shit, i dont know.

i know how he final steps are going to go though, so yay i guess.