99 Steps

Step 36: Don't be Scared of Home

I miss you. So. Damn. Much. Why did we have to go out that night? Why did you drink when you knew you couldn't? Why did I have to fall into a deep dark pit without you around to throw me a rope? Why did my mom have to send me here? Why did all of this have to happen? Happy for it? Yeah I was. Emphasis on was. This whole thing with Mark is confusing and none of it makes sense. At first it was great, and he was really trying but now he's gotten so mad to the point where he was beating me into the wall, over something I couldn't even explain. We always go for lunch with Ash and Alice, which isn't so bad I guess, but there's Delsin now too, which is horrible because all the positivity Mark used to show me is now primarily going to those three. Am I that emotionally draining? Is that why you did what you did - you couldn't stand me anymore? I'm really considering going back to Ireland. Maybe forever, maybe until Mark really misses me and pays my way back. I don't really think I'll be missing anything here, I mean we've been through so much but I've already started forgetting things we did together, and really I just can't deal with any of this anymore.

I just started packing, like two minutes ago. I got the confirmation email for my spot on the next flight out, it's leaving at 5, Mark won't even know I'm leaving until I'm gone, and by the time he wakes up I'll already be three hours into my flight and he'll be missing almost $700. Hopefully my mom doesn't really hate me when I'm standing in the doorway to move back home. Kloee said she's giving me a ride to the airport, and she started crying when I called her. She said she hates the idea of me being so far away, but she definitely thinks it's a good idea with everything going on. I think you two would have been great friends. You guys just always wanted what you thought was best for me.

Kloee is asking about who I'm texting. How do you say "my best friend/sister removed by death"? She's still teary eyed, and I feel terrible. I didn't even notice, but I have Mark's shirt on. Maybe this wasn't a good idea? You know I've had a hard time with impulse decisions.

This was a horrible idea, I just want to curl up in the bathroom and cry. I purposely left everything at Mark's, minus my clothes and what not. I wrote on the last page of my notebook for Mark, a big long sappy letter that I won't get the satisfaction of knowing if I made him cry or not. That's not the point. I don't have anything that I did on my flight here, and I remember looking in the mirror I'm standing in front of and holding my breath then splashing cold water on my face.

Jack sat in his seat, where he would be sitting for the next near 10 hours. Then he would just have to get his mom's permission to move back in. How hard it would be, he had no idea. After all the two cut off all communication after she told her son to pack his bags.

Jack looked at the person who sat in the seat next to him, a girl who looked to be about his age with a combination of pink and purple hair that came to her jaw. She sighed and looked over at him, smiling. "It's a long flight out of here, huh?"

"Yeah. The funny thing is I don't handle flights very well and I'm going to see my mom who I haven't talked to in... ha, a few months?" Jack looked at his phone, seeing it was 4:45, and the plane would leave soon. "What about you?"

"A change in scenery, mostly. Different people, different standards. You know, I'm Hopper, by the way."

"Jack."

Zoey. This is going to be a long flight. I wish I could say I'm coming home but it feels wrong. I feel like my home is with Mark but when I'm with him something feels off. You would know just the words to say to make me feel okay.