99 Steps

Step 40: Surrender

"I don't know, it's kinda... not me." Jack looked in the mirror of the dressing room.

"Let me see it!" Hopper was a little too excited when Jack agreed to spending his Saturday hanging out around town with her. It was a 'Friend Date', as she put it. Jack looked in the mirror again, making a face. He opened the door, standing in khaki skinny jeans, rolled twice at the ankle, and a v-neck sweater, which was navy blue with a few thin, red and grey stipes across the chest. "Jack, you look so nice. You have to get it."

He looked at Hopper, unsure. "Are you lying to me? I feel like I look ridiculous." Jack looked down at the outfit, thinking how it seemed like something Mark would wear.

"Wait." He said out loud, pausing and looking up at Hopper. She held a half smile on her face. Jack looked at her, and swallowed, shaking his head; he stepped back in the dressing room and closed the door, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He was about to have a breakdown about his abusive ex-boyfriend, in a dressing room wearing an outfit that his new best friend - who he met on the plane when he first left Mark - would probably make him get. Jack took a few deep breaths, quickly changing out of the clothes.

"Jack? What's wrong?" Hopper was clearly concerned, both about the fact that Jack seemed mentally unstable at the moment, plus he was trying to put the sweater back.

"I can't. I'm not getting that, and I'm not about to cry in a mall. Let's just go home." Hopper let out a quiet 'oh', following Jack outside and down the street. The apartment they were living in was close enough to everything they needed, so Hopper never bothered looking into a car.

Back in the comfort of the living room, Jack started to vent. "I just really think I made the wrong decision, I mean I was such an ass to just leave him like that. And to come all the way back to Ireland? I shouldn't have shut him down like I did when he called me. I mean," a stray tear ran down his cheek. "I miss him, Hopper. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and being in his arms, and I hate that he's not here with me to tell me my music is too loud. I hate that he's not just there, telling me how wrong I am about never being happy, and saying how he would prove me wrong when I would live long enough to have a house and a family with him-" Hopper pulled Jack into a hug as he choked out a sob. "I never wanted to think about leaving him, to move back here with my mom, because I never thought I'd love without him. I just, I thought I'd live with him in that little house until I'd just kill myself one night. He never drank. I left him, and he called me, drunk. I left him and it fucked with him, and I can't deal with that anymore."

"Jack, I can't let you go back to him, you said yourself, he'd lose control over himself. Jack he'd beat you! Did you forget about that?"

"No. No, I didn't, but it'll be different this time. I'll go back and he'll just be so happy and everything will be normal. There won't be anymore of him hitting me, there won't be anymore of me drinking or trying to kill myself, it'll be different." Jack wiped his face with his hands, sitting up straight, looking at Hopper. "It'll be different. I'll be happy, and he'll be happy, and we'll be okay. I mean this past month and a half have been great, and I'm so thankful for your kindness, I am, but I need to go back to Mark."

"Jack, that's really not-"

"No, I can just get another plane ticket and go back, and Kloee can pick me up from the airport and I can stay with her. Mark is either going to let me back or not, and if not, I guess I can stay with Kloee and then come back here."

"No, listen. You can't keep going back and forth. I mean, sure maybe you have enough to go back now, but what are you gonna do to come back here if he shuts you down. I mean what are you gonna do if he moved somewhere else, you can't just text him out of the blue and ask for his new address."

"Hopper, you're great, really, but I have to do this, and I'm not going to let you stop me."

"I'm not trying to stop you, I'm just trying to make sure you're thinking this through."

"I'm going. That's that. I'm buying a seat on the next flight out, and I'll text Kloee and make sure she can get me." Jack stood up, walking to the window, grabbing his phone to look up plane tickets.

"Jack, are you sure?"

"Yes, Hopper. I know what I'm doing."