The Problems in Life. Book One: Helpless (Completed)

Chapter One

That girl is looking at you. She is judging you.
No she isn't. You are not important enough to notice.

"Amanda are you okay?" A voice cuts through my thoughts, shutting them off. "Huh?" I look over at her. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm good."

I smile at her. My smile is fake of course, but she is fooled by it because she smiles back. Sometimes the voices in my head shut up, and other times the couldn't be louder. 

"Are you going to Derik's party this weekend?" My best friend Hayley asks. "Yeah of course I am!" I pretend to sound excited, but I'm only going for her sake.

The bell rings. Finally we can leave the devilish nightmare called high school. I wave goodbye to Hayley and get on my bus. I sit up front, not because I'm a freshman, but so there is less people around me.

My brother Ash sits down next to me. He's not actually my brother, but he feels like one. (Everyone else calls Ash a she, because he was born with girl parts.)

"What's up A?" Ash says pulling out his phone, and handing me an earbud. I take it put it in my ear. "So you're quoting Pretty Little Liars now?" I ask with amusement in my voice, and I can feel a smile playing at my lips, but I refuse.

"Yes I am," he laughs. I roll my eyes and sigh. "Fanboy," I say looking at him, as he responds to a text. "I'm the God of fanboys," he says not looking at me.

Who would want to look at you? You are ugly as fuck. No wonder you don't have a boyfriend.

"And I am the Goddess," I say happily. He smiles at me and goes back to texting his girlfriend.

I take a moment to look at him. He's wearing a My Chemical Romance shirt, faded ripped skinny jeans, and converse high tops. His pixie cut blonde hair is hanging in his face. His lightly colored blue eyes, the color of the sky in the morning, are focused on his phone.

I know that one day he won't have a girl's body and that he will look different. I wonder if I will recognize him.

"So how was your day?" I ask. "Eh," he says, which is his normal response. "Let's read."

I love reading, but sometimes I just want Ash to talk to me. I tell myself that maybe, the only reason that he wants to read is because he really likes the book he's reading.

No, you stupid fuck, it's because he doesn't care about a word that comes out of your mouth. No one does.

"Okay," I sigh sadly as he pulls out his book. I know that he didn't hear the disappointment in my voice, he never does.

"I'm home!" I call, shutting the door behind me. "Gwen?"

"In the kitchen!" She calls.

Gwen is a free spirit, with orange hair and light green eyes. I walk to the kitchen and Gwen is there dancing. "Can't keep my hands to myself!" She sings and takes a tray out of the oven.

I walk to my room and shut the door behind me. I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I don't look like I'm fourteen. I look like I'm twelve. I sigh at the sight of myself.

You are so ugly and fat.

I lay down on my bed, and wait for the second part of my day to come.