Being Josh Ramsay's Daughter

Face It

I watched as he hesitated. His head tucked into his chest. He didn't want to look up. I could tell he was thinking 'if I don't see it, it's not real.' He was doing everything he could to avoid facing the fact that he crippled his own daughter. He was devistated. He was disappointed in himself. I saw him have a moment of pondering. He wondered how easily he could just walk away. How much longer he could go without having to face this. But he knew that I needed to see him just as much as he needed to see me. I needed my father and he needed his daughter. I saw him push past his guilt as he lifted his head and followed the nurse into my room.

This was the moment that he would face it. The moment he would face me. I could only imagine how he was feeling. If I were in his shoes, I don't even know what I would do. Heck, even in my own shoes I don't know what I'm going to do.

"Acadia." He spoke.

His voice was a very faint whisper. Devistation. Disbelief. Grief. Guilt. I could see so many different emotions on his face. But the one that stood out the most was sorrow.

I heard a short breath escape his mouth as he tried to hold back the tears. Quickly following that breath though, was tears. They streamed smoothly down his unshaven face.

I could tell by the look of him he hasn't been taking care of himself very well. He cares too much about me. He's been too hurt to take care of himself properly. Now I felt guilty. It was my fault his health was lacking.

"She can't speak yet." The nurse told him.

Now him and I were both crying.

"I'll give you guys some time. Press the button if you need anything." The nurse said as she left.

He came and sat beside me in the chair that the nurse was in when she told me my story.

He placed his hand over mine and focused his gaze into my eyes.

"Acadia. I am so sorry..." He stopped.

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"Sorry does not cut this. I regret this more than anything. But kiddo, you need to know that I was going out looking for you. I was going to make sure you were okay. I feel awful. I cannot believe I did this to you..."

He went on and on. I stopped listening. I didn't care. I already forgave him. It's not his fault. It was mine. I was drunk. I was stupid. I left the house without telling him. I worried him. I lost my best friend because I was being an idiot. And now, I am also the reason that my father is feeling this way; the reason he's not taking care of himself. Everything -all of it- is my fault.

"...and I just really hope you can forgive me. Because I love you more than anything in the world and I would hate myself forever if you couldn't forgive me from this." He finished as I zoned back in to what he was saying.

'I FORGIVE YOU DAD.' I wanted to yell it. I needed him to know. 'I forgive you!' I interally screamed it. But all I could do to communicate was blink. I blinked once. It means yes. Yes, I forgive you Dad. He didn't know that though.

I squeezed his hand. It means yes Dad. Please understand. Please understand.

"Does that mean you can forgive me? You can still love me?" He asked.

I could hear the hope in his voice.

I squeezed his hand again. But I could see he wasn't clear on what it meant.

I forced my head to nod. I forced my mouth into a smile. These two actions brought me a lot of physical pain, but emotionally it was the complete opposite. Tears fell down my cheeks once again. Tears from the pain this time. The pain that was shooting down my neck and across my cheeks.

The pain was irrelevant. I had put him through so much emotional pain that I didn't even care about my own physical pain. He could not go on not knowing if I would ever forgive him.

He smiled back at me; he squeezed my hand. A single tear fell from his right eye -a tear of happiness.

"I love you Acadia." He said, standing up and kissing my forehead.