Liz Whats Wrong With You?

Soppy Attempt

"So let me get this straight. You need time alone? To think? What is there to think about?" I screamed at Jake.

"A lot actually. I mean look at how you've been lately." He shot back just as loud.

"Loving? Cuddly?" I threw my hands in the air.

"Just. I need my space. Doesn't mean we can't be friends. And if things never get patched well I hope you find someone." He spoke calmly.

"Yea. Well screw you okay? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe I-I.. You know what I don't time for this." I stormed around the corner back into the street and headed toward the guys.

"Liz wait." Jake called to me.

"Not. You listen to me. And listen good because I WILL NOT repeat myself. Don't tell me you care for a second because nobody does. Don't tell me you understand because you will never know what it's like to have an emotional hold on your freaking heart because idiots like you who only want sex always drop my heart like its a hot bottle." I walked up to face him and stabbed my finger into the center of his chest, meeting his eyes in an icy standoff. "And don't you ever for a minute think that when any of you tell me I'm beautiful or you love me that I believe it. It's all a lie. Just like this was." I let those words linger in the air before it set in his mind. I turned, ignoring the expressions I was given and snatched my keys from Andy.

"Don't call me. I won't answer. And I swear on our dead cats grave if you follow me I will seek revenge. In the most cold hearted manor I can think of. And believe me. I'm icy cold." I stomped toward my car.

I leaned on the hood. I knew it was a mistake. He meant everything to me. But he wanted time to himself? To think? About what? How to tie a freaking shoe. I'm no idiot. He found someone else. Probably some bleach blonde tramp who's skirt showed her crotch. He probably couldn't keep his hands off her. Tramp.

I slid off the hood and climbed into the drivers seat. The engine roared to life. I sat there contemplating on what I was going to do next. What if I just cut upstream? No. Stop that Liz. You have to be here for Hunter. That baby needs to have an aunt and she needs a squeeze bag during labor. I sat back, tapping my thumbs on the steering wheel. I don't know why I was so rude. Should I apologize for my behavior? Why apologize. I meant every word.

I rolled out onto the highway with no idea where to go. Lets see. There's a bridge five miles out. Drive off the side you worthless shell of a human. You lost it all. Just end it. Shut up conscious. You're so cruel. Marina. LAKE. Go for a swim. That'll calm you down. I veered right on a road called HavenOak. Hints the name HavenOak lake. I creeped into the empty gravel park and sat back. The mix cd Jake had put in when mom and dad died whispered in the background. Fading in with the crickets lousy whine. I turn of the car but not before I grabbed the cd out of the radio. I stood, leaned against the door and threw the disc into nothingness. Pitch darkness. Forever gone.

I pulled my thigh length shirt over my head and threw it in the back seat. Setting down, I slowly untied my combat boots and did the same. Repeating this with my socks and leggings. I shut my car door and carefully started my way across the gravel to the dock.

Standing on the edge of the dock, wind just barely blowing enough to make small goosebumps form in patches on my chest and stomach and water deep, dark, dangerously close. I inhaled the scent of pine trees. Fresh water. Earth. I had looked at my phone minutes before standing in this bliss. Thirty texts between Andy and Jake. Twenty calls from Andy. Thirteen from Jake. If I wanted to I could do it. Fall into the water. Let it swallow me alive. Drowned my lungs. Make it stop. But I wouldn't. I couldn't. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and shuddered. Maybe lace underwear and a bra wasn't the best to swim in.

I backed away from the edge. From the darkness and cold. Then I headed for the water. I broke into a run across the creaky, cracked up wood. I jumped and everything stood still. The trees weren't swaying, the ripples in the water didn't splash, the air just... Stopped. Then my toes hit the water and I slid in. I went under. Like wet happiness. It was cool. Not cold like ice but cool. Like the breeze outside. My hair swarmed my face in a desperate attempt to cling to my porcelain, fragile skin. I didn't think before I did it though. My angry, killer side spoke for me. I inhaled a gulp of water. It filled my lungs full of liquid hate. I coughed but more drained in. My lungs hurt. I couldn't breath. I was drowning. I swam for the top. The sound of crickets. The dock. After minutes of fighting I hit the surface. Coughing and spitting up water. I pulled myself onto the warm dock and puked up water. I laid there, underwear and bra drenched in the liquid hate that dripped off my body onto the dry wood, weak from fighting the hate inside me and around me. Weak from struggling to breath. Weak. And tired. Tired of not meaning one thing to anyone.

I felt hands trail down my body. A chilly touch. Fingers in my hair. I opened my eyes and looked up. Nobody was there. Nobody at all. I pulled myself off the dock and slowly trudged to my car. By now it was two in the morning. They guys would still be up. Most of them. But I wanted to go home. To the tour bus. To the bed that tonight would be empty on his side. I slipped my shirt over my head and headed home. It would be best if I kept my suicide attempt to myself. I couldn't let that happen again. It was a long ride back. Longer than I thought it would be. Quiet. Cold. Wet and soggy. I pulled into my parking space and got out. I heard the guys. Laughing and joking around. But I just walked. Soaking wet, hair in a mess and sticking to my face. Clothes in tow. I came around the corner and they got quiet. Andy eyed me but I just kept going. Until my anger got the better of me and I turned to face him. But I shook my head, dropped my clothes by the door and took my shirt off so I didn't drip. Everyone else could get over it. I'm done playing games.