Remember To Check On Her

Chapter Eighteen - Inner Demons

I know something is wrong with me.

I can feel it in my bones—Lapis and Jasper don't get along.

Am I... bad? Do they hate me specifically? Do they want me to be so... evil?

Or maybe, they're trying. Maybe they love me so much that their love became corrupted!

Or maybe it's Jasper.

I can feel her negative energy. I know she wasn't exactly a nice gem. I feel forced, to be completely honest. Lapis isn't comfortable inside of me. Neither of them are. I feel like a scale, always trying to outdo itself, and always feeling an unstable equal.

I don't like fusion.

My very existence is fusion, but it's not enjoyable. My existence... my life isn't worth... much. Anything. It's not trust, or love, or friendship, or strength. It's war. It's a trap. I'm... a trap.

Maybe I should just break myself. I'd put away all of Lapis' misery... Jasper's misery...

And my misery.

My deep, black-hole, ever-existing,  never-ending miserable excuse for a life.

I walk over to a rock, beautiful, sharp, and jagged, and hold it above my nose.

I can't do it.

I can't destroy this. I'm here for someone. Maybe not for Lapis or Jasper, but I have to exist for some reason. A word, Steven, keeps echoing through my mind. Am I here for him? Does he care about me? Something within me? I assume it would be Lapis.  Does she love him? I am for love! I am love!

I'm so pathetic. I lie to myself just to make me feel better. I'm not for anyone, nor am I love. The only reason I'm not breaking myself...

is because it would hurt.

It would hurt a lot.

I have to make myself worth something, though. Somehow. Maybe I can become one of those 'Crystal Gems' I've been hearing about! But what if I split apart...?

I don't realize that I've been pacing, and I cringe when my head hits air.

I look out upon an island.

Crystals pave it, trees bloom suddenly from the ground. A waterfall glimmers in the distance. Something hits my foot. I look down to see something that resembles a boy, but striped... and green. I lean down slightly and it smells like fruit.

Watermelon.

Something causes me to recall the name.

Steven.

Something causes me to recall the name.

It rubs up against one of my front legs, and I pick it up and it lays down on my hand. The world calms for a second.

Maybe I finally found something to live for. 

•••

A|N : A new chapter after a forever wait! And from Malachite's perspective. I'm stopping this story from the canon point of the Barn Mates spoilers (WHICH HAVE BEEN SCREWING UP MY PLOT DANGIT), but I'll try. I hoped you like this! Don't forget to favorite comment, and follow!

And for Dan and Phil stories, go on my back up account, @fanlings for more tales fluffy and grim!