Our Little Secret (h.s.) // editing

"Don't Give Up On Me Just Yet, Janissa. "

~Janissa~

It was pitch black when I opened my eyes. My arm immediately reached over to the other side of the bed looking for Harry. He wasn't there, there was no reason he would be. Ripping the blanket off of my body, my eyes search out the window only to find it was pitch black outside. It was three in the morning as I emerged from the bedroom.

Harry was in the living room with Jess cuddled in his side on the couch. As quietly as I could, I tip-toed into the kitchen, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

So much has happened tonight. He admitted to sleeping with her sister after taking all she could give, that crushed me. I feel like I have no idea who he is. Like I have no idea who my best friend, now boyfriend is. I've known him my entire life, yet was able to keep all of this away from me.

"Janissa?" Harry whispers. I look up at him, meeting him eyes for the first time tonight. Part of me feels bad about us going through this while he is losing his mother, but Chloe just had to plant that doubt in the back of my mind. "Are you okay?" When my eyes skim his body, he is only in grey joggers that hung very loosely around his waist. His hip tattoo becoming very eminent, and captivating my attention.

"I couldn't sleep..." I whisper back. Harry takes a seat across from me as he runs a hand through his curls. "Not alone at least."

"I could always-"

"I'd rather you didn't." I cut him off. He drops eye contact to look back down in his lap.

"Right."

As if we were having a family intervention, Jess walks into the kitchen rubbing his eyes. He walks right to Harry as he was lifted and placed on his father's lap. Harry asked why he was awake only to be told the kitchen light was bothering him. He cuddled himself back into Harry.

I get up to go to bed when Harry stops me by raising his hand. He disappears from the kitchen. I hate this. I hate fighting with Harry. In the last four days we have fought more than we have our entire seventeen years of friendship. Harry returns shortly without Jess, and takes his seat across from me once more.

"We need to talk."

I stay silent and let him speak. It's his turn to explain things. He reaches for my hand and I allow him to take it, to tired to fight.

"I'm going to tell you some things, but I need you to just let me explain before you decide if you want to leave me. Okay?"

I nod my head.

"Okay. Yes, I did sleep with her sister. That is the truth. Yes, I did sleep with Chloe, but I didn't just up and leave. She did cut me off, and slept with Jake. That was all the truth." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "I lied to you earlier. I slept with her sister before she fucked Jake. When she left, she ignored my calls, my texts. I tried to visit, but she wouldn't have it. One night I went to there, and her sister was home. I was hurt. I felt like I meant nothing to her, and I didn't. You can fill in the rest.

"In the month that I left, I picked up some really bad habits. I started drinking, smoking, sleeping around, you name it, I did it. Remember my first tattoo?"

"The star?"

"Right. It's addicting you know? The feeling, it's hard to explain, but it is. Anyway, that's one of the only things I remembered when I was messed up. Was the memory of liking the feeling, so that's when I got most of the tattoos..."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, confused.

"You wanted to know everything." He continued. "One night, I got really wasted, i'm surprised I even remember it. Anyway, I met this girl and I ended up going back to my place. She was wasted as well, and I..."

I tightened my grip on his hand, urging him to continue.

"I took advantage of her. She couldn't have been older then seventeen, eighteen. I filmed her taking off her cloths. I filmed us having sex."

My face dropped. I retracted my hand from his, causing him to jump from his seat, getting on his knees in front of me. He laid his head on my lap.

"Please." He whispered. "I was messed up. I didn't know what I was doing.

"What did you do with the tape?" My voice was barley a whisper.

"Nothing. I deleted it. No one but me even knew it existed."

"Did she know that you were filming her?"

"No."

How did I not know that he was even more messed up then I knew. Oh yeah, because he didn't want me to know. That's what scared me about Harry. If he doesn't want you to know something, then you won't know it. I allowed my fingers to tangle in his curls, trying to calm him down even though it should be the other way around.

"How am I supposed to know that you wouldn't do that to me?" 

He lifts his head to look at me. A small tear escaping both of our eyes.

"I would never do that to you. Ever."

"How do I know that, Harry?"

"You've been my best friend for seventeen years, Janissa. I can't even imagine doing that to anyone, especially you." He whimpers. I want to believe him. I want to believe him so badly, but I don't know if I can.

"How do I know that, Harry. Apparently I don't know you as well as I thought I did. I need time to take all of this in."

He removes himself from my lap, and stands in front of me. He wraps his arms around my small frame and I allow him. He pulls away giving my cheek a light kiss.

"Don't give up on me just yet, Janissa. Please."

"I'm trying to hold on, Harry. With everything I have, i'm trying to keep together." He nods his head.

"I know, baby. I know."

***

 I tried to fake a smile for the rest of the day as we said goodbye to his mother. I had taken Jess out of the room, so Harry could say goodbye to her by himself. 

So much has happened this week and in all honesty, it's draining me. All the things he told me kept prying their way into the back of my mind reminding me he's no angel. But then again, who is? He may have fucked up, but that was then, and this is now. But the fact that he is just now telling me all of this concerns me. He could have told me way before this, but he had to wait for someone to bring it up.

We were on our way home, Harry was driving carefully, trying not to replay what happened the other night. Jess was in the back playing on Harry's phone. Every now and then, I would catch Harry looking at me, then quickly back at the road in front of him. I notice him trying to reach for my hand, but he decided against it.

My eyes met his for a moment, before I take his hand in my, lacing our fingers. He gives it a tight squeeze, then releases. He places a soft kiss on the back. I'm not heartless, I am scared beyond belief, but he is losing his mother, I can't just shut him out like Chloe did.

"I'm still mad at you." I whisper. A small smile taking over his beautiful lips. We pull up at a stop light, Harry turning his whole body to face me. "There is so much more to talk about, Harold." We laugh at the mention of his full name.

"Come here." His hands grasp my face, crashing his lips against mine. I hate fighting with him, I miss him kissing me. I miss him holding me. I miss him. But I don't want him to think it's okay to do this kind of thing. I don't want him to think I will just come crawling back every time, because I won't.

"Eww!" Jess yells from the back, covering his eyes. We pull away smiling, mine dropping almost instantly.

"I don't want you to think that I will come crawling back every time." I whisper. Harry nods his head agreeing.

"I know you won't. That's what scares me. I've done alot of fucked up-"

"Language!" Jess shouts again. Damn this kid, I smile.

"I've done some pretty messed up things, any one of them could drive you away."