The Broken Ones

Forgetful Life

Song: All I Want-Kodaline

Two years. Two long years since my divorce. Not a week later from the divorce, I found out that Alexander had another woman. A woman being his secretary. And then I found out from a friend that he had been cheated on me for months when we were married. I then knew as to why he wanted a divorce and why he had been acting strange. It was because he didn't love me and because he was cheating on me. And it just hurt more. I cried for three weeks. My father tried to help me, but nothing would work. Not for my pain. He told me how I would have to fight to get up again and not let one person ruin my whole life ahead of me. And so, I had set out to get a job a month later. I got a job at a flower shop, which I love a lot. I then moved in with my best friend who had stuck with me throughout my life and helped me through the divorce. 

Two years. 

I still thought about Alexander. About all the happy memories we had. Of the love we both shared. I loved him. I still do. I just hate that I had to see him be with another woman. I hadn't spoken to him. And the million dollars? I didn't use a dime out of it. It broke me more though when I told my father about the surprise I had planned to tell Alexander. I was pregnant. Pregnant with Alexander's kid. My father had tried to support me and help me. But, nothing could stop me. I had stressed out too much, stressed out and cried for endless nights. And from the pain I had and of all the stress, I had lost my baby. I lost my baby. I didn't call Alexander. I knew he wouldn't care. I knew he wouldn't want a part of me. And so, mourned for my baby. I cried more. I loved Alexander and I always kept imagining of what would happen if we didn't get a divorce and if I didn't lose my baby. We would be a happy family right now. But, we aren't. I loved him so much. And now, I am left with a dead baby and a broken heart while he is out there, living his life with a woman he really does love. 

My friend, Jessica, had helped me heal. And every day, we light a candle for my baby. I know my baby is somewhere better. Somewhere where he can live his life up in heaven. It just pains me to know that the two people I had loved the most are now gone and out of my life. I still dream of a happy life with Alexander. Of how much we had loved each other. I always wake up, hoping he would be there. But, he wasn't. My life had changed a lot. Five years of my life had been wasted on a man who didn't love me. I do miss him. I miss him so much. 

I shake my head as I pick cut up the flower stems, putting them in a glass vase, making them look perfect. "You okay, Willa?" My boss, Sarah asks as she fixes the flowers in the store. I nod my head. "I am just thinking. Nothing to worry about." I say as I place the flowers aside, throwing the trash and such away. "Well, if you need to talk, I am always here." I sigh. "I have just been thinking about my ex again." I say. She then looks at me with a pained look. I had told Sarah about Alexander and everything. She had been helping me throughout it. "It has been two years Willa. He had finally moved on. And I think you should too." I shake my head. Jessica and Sarah had tried to get me to go on dates and everything, and even though Alexander had moved on, I am not ready. It feels like I am betraying him even though he already had. "I know. I just need more time." Sarah doesn't argue and just nod her head. A customer then comes in, breaking our conversation. I help the customer as Sarah fixes up the place. The place than closed three hours later. 

I headed home to my best friend, Jessica. Jessica worked at a diner which closed an hour before me, so she was always home besides when she is out grocery shopping. I got home, putting my keys down. My dad had bought me car since Alexander didn't let me keep one of his, part of his deal. I walked in the living room, finding Jessica munching on a bag of chips and watching the reruns of The Big Bang Theory. I love the show. I sat down next to her, taking the chips out of her hands. "Hey! I was eating those!" She says to me with an angry face. I just shrugged and continued to eat. "So, how was work?" I again shrug. "Same. You?" Jessica then rolled her eyes. "Don't get me started. I had to deal with three angry costumers and an angry manager, and an angry boss. And the orders kept on getting screwed because Kathy can't seem to do anything." She says, sounding angry. I look at her with a frown. Working a diner is stressful. "Well, at least you have a day off tomorrow. Maybe you can come and visit me tomorrow and on my break, we can go out for lunch. I buy." I say. She looks at me and nods with a smile on her face. 

We stayed on the couch until we both felt tired, and so we headed off to bed. I stayed awake though. I couldn't help but think about Alexander. The last I have heard about him is that he is traveling around the place, getting his big business to be bigger. I am happy that he is out there, doing what he enjoys. I don't know if he is still with his secretary or if he is with anyone at all. It hurts, yes, that he has moved on. And it does hurt that I lost my baby. Alexander would have never wanted to keep the baby anyways. One of the many curses of him. I do truly love him. He wasn't the first person I dated nor was he my first kiss or first anything. But, he was my first love, my first marriage. I had thought that he would be my first forever. My only forever. I shake my head. I had childish dreams. Every marriage has flaws in them and sometimes, those flaws can ruin a marriage. There have been times when I look through the old photos, remembering the good times. I just miss him. I miss him even though he had broken my heart into a million pieces. I had added new photos to the album I took. Photos of my baby. I had printed pictures of my son from the ultrasounds. I sometimes think if I did do a good thing if keeping my baby a secret from Alexander even though they will never meet. I don't know if it would even change anything. Alexander doesn't love me. I wasted five years on him, only to have my heartbroken. I have wasted more years on him though from when we have met and from when we have dated. All those years. 

I did start to cry. I couldn't help myself. All those 'I love yous' wasted. All of my love, my life, my hopes and dreams, have all been broken. All because of one man. I had loved him. I loved him to the sun and back. He didn't love me to the moon and back. He didn't love me at all. I didn't think that my life would end like this. When I was married to him, I would be at home, being the housewife. Alexander would be at work, being the working husband. He would always tell me that he loved me before he left for work and always announce 'honey, I'm home!' every time he got home. I would come running to him, missing him. I still do. I miss wrapping my fingers in his hair and hugging him. I miss his touch and his arms wrapped around me before we went to bed. I miss his messy hair he had most of the time and I miss his sweet scent of burnt wood. I miss how he would always remind me of how much he loved me and how he would get me a gift for every time he did forget to remind me even though I knew. And I just miss his kisses and the way he said my name as if it was going to be the last time. 

I miss him. 

And so I cried myself to sleep, hugging my pillow against me. Trying to forget those memories of the person I had once loved.