The Broken Ones

Twisted Faith

Song: Touch by Sleeping At Last

I didn't know what was happening. One second I was yelling at Alexander and the next, he just grabbed my face and put our lips together. I stood there frozen, shocked by what was happening. His lips were on mines. The first thought that came into mind was, what the fuck. The next was, his lips are still the same. After, I was finally able to comprehend what was happening. I finally snapped out of it, forcing my head back, trying to catch my breath. "I... I am sorry." Alexander says, conflict running through his face. "I need to leave." He says before turning away, heading towards his car. I didn't know what to say or do besides stand there like a wax figure. What was I supposed to do? All I can think about was that just happened. He just kissed me. My lips, they felt as if I just got zapped by an electrical wire. His lips still felt the same after these years. 

I blinked, coming back to the real world, looking around to see if anyone saw but it was already so late, no one was out and the sun was almost already set. Jessica is going to kill me. I just quickly got my bag and started to walk home a bit quicker, thinking I could honestly walk away from what just happened. Once at my apartment, I shut the door, leaning against it, trying to figure out what happened. Yes, Alexander did kiss me. How should I feel about that though? I can't feel anything about it. He is getting married. Nothing is going to come out of it. All I wanted to do though, was to scream from frustration and confusion and just, wanting answers. I shook my head, trying to shake any feelings of hope. I set the keys down and then walked around the apartment, searching for any signs of Jessica. It was already so late, she should already be here by now. I checked my cell and saw that she was staying out late with the guy she has been "seeing" ever since the nightclub. I let out a sigh of relief, not prepared to tell her everything that just happened between Alexander and I. I headed towards the living room, sitting down on the couch, melting a bit into it. What kept ringing in my mind though was what Alexander said about life. Why did the world bring us together? It didn't make sense to me either. When he was talking about it, it did make me think more about it. Life does have a funny way with playing games with our lives. We split and we went on with our lives and now we are here, trying to figure out what we do at this point. But after what just happened, I don't think that things will be settled anytime soon. I just hope that he doesn't say anything to his fiance because I know that his fiance won't take it lightly. 

I groaned out loud, my hands flapping onto my face. Seeing him up close like that while the sun was setting did make my heart skip a few beats. I had that old feeling I used to have when we were together. Of course, it is just my naive feelings that are making me feel like this. I could see pieces of his old self. It was what mostly made me feel...attracted towards him. We were in a heated moment. What he did was in the moment and it most likely didn't mean anything. Old feelings just resurfaced and that was it. But still, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I have been working on getting over him for such a long time, yet this whole situation is making it hard and the kiss is now making it harder. Why did he do it? Why do it now? It just doesn't make any sense. I turned my head towards the window, an arm running across on my face still, the sky now dark and the sounds of the city filling the air. I wonder if Alexander remembers the times I would walk out of the house and just take a walk. Walking home after work, I decided to take a detour to a bench. I just had that feeling that I would have to just take a walk and just sit down to just embrace everything. 

When Alexander and I were together,  I would do this often. I remember when I did it the first couple of times, he would go out and search for me, finding me at the same park bench, asking me what I was doing. I would just shrug, not really finding a way to explain it to him that I had to do this. After I did this a few more times though, he seemed to get used to it because he didn't go out to search for me. I wouldn't be out for so long. Maybe thirty minutes to an hour, I would be gone but then I would come back. Alexander never really questioned me why I would do that and never really became concerned. I guess he just understood and just didn't mind it. After the divorce, I did it more often because I guess I needed to get away from everything and I just need to slow everything down. But it happened more often because I just really needed to get away, my parents did become concerned about it and if I need to reach out for help. Losing my baby was the breaking point for me though, instead of taking those walks, I would just lock myself in my room and just wallow in my sadness. And that was pretty much my walk.