The Broken Ones

Marriage Past

Song: Strangers by Sigrid

It was my day off so I didn't have to get ready for work and Jessica was already at her job. I decided to just stay in, not wanting to worry about anything. I didn't want to really to talk to anyone. I just didn't want to deal with Alexander or John because even with John, the topic always goes back to Alexander and well, Alexander is the core of my sadness and pain which I just don't want to deal with right now. Maybe moving on with John wasn't a good idea. Maybe I am just not ready yet to go on and start dating, especially with Alexander being here. John doesn't need this drama in his life. He probably already has a lot going on in his life and I do have a lot going on in my life as well. 

John probably will be sad about that I won't be able to be with him, but I just don't want him to go through so much for me. I sigh as I sat on the couch, trying to think of something I can do. There really isn't much for me to do. Even when I did live with Alexander there wasn't anything to do. With so much money and a big house, I didn't really know what to do with it all. I could shop for clothes and everything, but I am not that person to just spend money recklessly. Plus in the situation I am now, I don't really have the money to spend. I then thought of the bills. They do need to be paid. So finally after debating with myself, I finally got up and got all the bills, starting on the paperwork. I didn't realize how much we've missed until I finally totaled up everything. I am glad that we are actually able to pay the bills this time. The paperwork did take a long time. I also managed to realize how much I suck at math until I had to redo some of the math I did and try to figure everything out. 

So after several hours of paperwork, I finally managed to get most of it done. I was quite amazed by it because I was able to do it all myself. And I know that Jessica will be relieved that she won't have to do it all by herself like she would usually would. She will be able to relax for once rather than worry about bills. But once I did finish the paperwork, I started to think about Alexander. Alexander was the one that did the bills because it was just so easy for him. He actually was able to pay them all and on time because he had all the money in the world. He didn't have to stress over it like Jessica and I do. It's a struggle doing it all with minimum wage jobs. Yes, the flower shop does pay well, but the flower shop isn't exactly booming with business. The biggest client we've had so far is well...Alexander and that is because he is willing to pay any amount to make his future wife to be happy and the wedding perfect. 

I do wonder how things would turn out at the wedding. I know it will be big and grand because I know that Alexander is rich and I know just by the looks of his future wife, she is very...expensive. Almost every celebrity magazine has been talking about this wedding. People are guessing venues and just how big this wedding will be as well as who's going and what will be the wedding dress look at. Of course, the wedding dress is the most important part of a wedding. Alexander and I had a private wedding with just close friends and family members. We didn't have a big grand wedding that brought all the attention and it did take a whole week for the press to know. The wedding was outside and just simple. It was so beautiful. I loved it so much. My parents loved it and my friends loved it so much. I would be lying if I said that I didn't keep a few wedding photos. How could I not? It was my dream wedding and I loved that day. I had loved it so much. How could I just throw away my dream wedding away? 

I know that Alexander threw our wedding photos away though. I know him so well. I know he would throw away everything that reminded me of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved out of the house and bought a new one just to get away from the memories. Even though those memories of Alexander are very painful, they were still happy memories that I cherished. I do want to forget them but I can't really do anything about it because they are there and I can't exactly erase them or rewind everything. If I could, I would. I would erase it all or undo it all. I can't though. There is no possible way of doing it. I do wonder though if Alexander did ever love me at all. I know I loved him. A lot. I loved him so much, but life isn't fair of course. When is life ever fair? I guess getting a job at the flower shop was something that life did give back as well as Jessica. But, I am not happy with how my baby ended up. 

Tears started to build up in my eyes. It will be one thing I always keep away from Alexander. I won't ever tell him about the baby I once held inside of me. I can't ever have Alexander find out about the baby. He never wanted a baby and I know that it will impact his career due to the press and the wedding because it's just such a big deal. I can already see on the front cover of a magazine. "Alexander, rich man and engaged, had an unknown baby out of a wedlock." It will ruin him. I could easily destroy his life with this but I am not that type of person to do that. I have never been that person to just destroy someone out of anger or hatred. Even though he and I have done so much and he had easily thrown it all away, I can't do that to him. He still means something to me. I just don't what he means yet. I just don't want to ruin him. Not with the baby. He won't ever find out about the baby. 

Sorry it is short. Been busy