Janovi in MM
So many things you could've told me and saved me the trouble of letting my mistakes show me
-J.Cole
If you knew my secret i wonder what you'd say I wonder if you'd leave I wonder if you'd stay I wonder if you'd see me in a different way it's hard to hold this in I think about it everyday
-Phora
We landed in New York at 1:00am this morning and I barely got any sleep at the hotel the whole morning my mind continued to race to thoughts of Terrell being so close to him after all this time of being so close but distant it scared me I didn't really know how he'd react when he saw me or if he even wanted to see me the whole flight I rehearsed what I'd say to him or if I'd even say anything at all To be honest seeing his face would be everything to me even if we didn't say one word to each other the whole time I'd be okay just seeing his face but the question still lurking in my brain is would he feel the same
"Nivia it's time for the funeral"Kylie said
"Okay I'm coming"i said finishing my make up
I said a small prayer before leaving out the hotel room and getting into the car this was going to be the longest 30minute ride of my life
2hours later
The funeral was the most saddest thing I'd had to endure in a long time Treyvon had a lot of people that cared about him and not one person that spoke at the funeral had one bad thing to say most of their words were about how funny he was and how if no one had a smile on their face he'd always kept one for everybody around the saddest part was when my brother went to the alter and said his last words to Trey I'd never seen Tony break down like that it hurt me so much because there was nothing I could do to take that pain away from him he'd lost one of his brothers Tony and Chris held each other the whole time crying as if they had nothing left in them but tears and Terrell it was like he was nothing but a brick wall he did not budge no tears no movement he just sat there with a blank expression the whole time I wanted so badly to hold him and let him know that everything would be okay but I couldn't move it felt as if my feet were nailed to the floor beneath me
AT THE GRAVEYARD
Everyone had placed their roses on his casket except me and Terrell even with my dark shades on I could see that his hands were trembling I didn't hesitate this time I moved closer to him taking his hand into mine I now seen what I had been dreading to see the whole day The tears of the strongest person I knew his brown eyes glistened with moisture and not a second later mine started to pour as well we walked up to the casket for our final goodbyes and Terrell broke down it got so bad that Noelle and Tony had to carry him away I felt so helpless
After everything was done everyone went to Terrells mom's house she cooked and entertained everyone to lighten the mood and for the life of me I couldn't understand how she could keep this smile after everything that had happened I guess that's where Trey got it from his smile was as bright as his moms as for Kylie she seemed to be doing okay but I could still tell that she was hurt deeper than she let us see
"Can I talked to you for a minute"a deep voice said behind me it was Terrell
"Sure"I said and I followed him to a corner in the back yard with small lawn chairs
Sitting across from me he stared into my eyes for a minute before speaking
"Thankyou"he said
"For what"I questioned
"For everything I don't think I would've got through that without you"
"No problem Terrell that's what I'm here for"i said looking down
"Did you get my letter"he questioned
"Yeah I got it I'm sorry for everything I never knew you were cut so deep"I said
"I never told anyone because I didn't know how they'd take it I never wanted to be judged"Terrell admitted
"Terrell I'd never judge in a way we share the same pain I've also been hurt by someone I thought I could trust"I whispered so only he could hear me
"What do you mean"he questioned
"My step dad raped me from the age of 14 until now he'd beat if resisted and that day at the hospital when the doctor said I was pregnant it was by him after that I started ignoring you because I was ashamed I was hurt so much that I didn't have the urge to Live the day you picked me up and I had the bandage on my arm it was because i split my wrists I'd hoped that bleeding out my pain would free me but it didn't it made me feel worst"i said with tears in my eyes
"Never be ashamed of something you had no control over it wasn't your fault that he did these things to you"he said holding me in his arms
"I'm sorry about what happened with Iree Terrell i swear he meant nothing from day one I've always loved you more its just I needed some closure because the way me and Iree ended was confusing I was so young so I had yet to understand everything that he did to me he was my first in everything and I never wanted to lose that and it made me blind to how toxic he was in the end"
"Its okay Nivia I understand Just know I love you and no matter what I'll always be here for you even if we're thousands of miles of apart I'd always be one phone call away"
"Your my everything Nivia I'd do anything and if it meant you'd live forever I'd give you every organ in my body without you life has no meaning and I never want to know what it feels like to live without you ever again"he said with a that smile that i missed so much
"You always knew the right things to say to make me smile"i said blushing
"I have one question for you Nivia"
"And what is that question Terrell"
"Can you love me"he questioned
And before I could answer a little boy with curly hair and brown eyes ran and jumped in Terrells lap he had to be at least 3 years old it was as if Terrell was looking into a mirror of his younger self this little boy was a spitting image of Terrell
"Who is the little boy and why does he look like you"I questioned
He stared at me for a minute before answering
"This is Janovi my son"he said
My eyes were glued to the little boy my heart pounded against my chest but shattered with every beat Terrell had a son and 3months before any of this I lost my child my mind was clouded with so many what ifs and I don't know if I'm even ready to be everything Terrell needs me to be as well as Janovi because he was apart of Terrell a part I'd never knew
"Nivia Can You Love Me"he questioned once again
"I don't know"
To Be continued. .....
