Sparkler Snapshots

XVI | Environmentally Unconscious

"Stop destroying our planet. It's where I keep all my stuff." – Unknown

Date: June 5th, 2017

Occasion: World Environment Day

Country: Worldwide

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XVI | Environmentally Unconscious

If you asked me how many better ways I could spend my Sunday apart from gardening, I could spout a list as long as my–

You know what? Never mind.

Let's just clarify the fact that the Earth and I were certainly not going to be exchanging friendship bracelets anytime soon. Sure, it was pretty damn worth saving, and not just because it's where I store all my crap. Yes, it was important to preserve the natural resources Mother Nature gave to us.

I also enjoy thinking of Mother Nature as a lovely woman, fluttering around with butterfly gossamer wings and humming a tune that could put a person high on coffee to sleep. But when you think of her as Gaia, a not-so-nice Dirt Face who could not be killed by toilet seats, my distaste for benefitting her only increased.

"You're not doing it right," commented Maddie, my girlfriend, as she disdainfully observed my abysmal weeding skills.

I myself glanced down at the weed I had been attempting to ease out for the past five minutes, though I had only succeeded in giving it a nice dirt shower. Also, another helpful hint is that you shouldn't take dirt showers unless you're a plant. It's not hygienic and you reek of Porta Potty for the next three days. Trust me, it's a true story I'd rather not relive.

"Sorry, Professor Expert! I didn't know there was a right way to weed these– stupid– weeds–" I grunted as my trowel dropped down with the force of my frustration, sending mud splattering in every direction, including Maddie's face.

"Usually," she spluttered in annoyance, smudging brown along her cheek as she attempted to get the dirt off. Naturally, she only managed to diffuse the damage and now looked as though she'd dunked his face into a Porta Potty. Another helpful hint – don't do that either. "You use your trowel to go under the weed, not smash it straight downwards and rearrange its chloroplasts!"

"You're reprimanding me? Whose two left feet made us run for our lives from an angry dude dressed as a kangaroo as he chucked Plushie koalas at us?" I shot back as the terrifying imagery returned with full force, though I hadn't registered much at the time except fake brown fur flying everywhere and the pounding of our synchronised footsteps.

Maddie's scowl almost made me regret bringing up the memory. Her nostrils flared, eyes flashing a dangerous green and narrowing into slits. "We're not bringing up Angry Kangaroo Man ever again, understand?"

"Fine," I agreed, but muttered under my breath, "prissy."

"What was that?"

"I said you look busy," I covered up smoothly, raising an eyebrow at her surprising ease of removing weeds. I had always told her that she seemed more like a man than a woman, at which she always ended up chucking the nearest object at my face, whether it was an apple, a lightbulb, or her cat. "Problem?"

Her eyes remained slivers of suspicion as she did the classic two finger motion. "I'm watching you, pretty boy."

"Did you just call me pretty?" I teased.