Sparkler Snapshots

XXII | Maple Madness

"Canada has always been there to help people who need it." – Justin Trudeau

Date: July 1st, 2017

Occasion: Canada Day (previously acknowledged as Dominion Day)

Country: Canada

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XXII | Maple Madness

You know what day today is? Probably not. Do I know what today is? Well, to tell you the truth, I barely remember what year it is. Ah, the perks of being a university student. But I did open Twitter this morning to see a flood of maple leaf emojis and hashtags about hockey, so I assume it's our favorite time of year, Canada Day! Now, I may not have learned much about quantum physics up here in the Arctic land of moose, but I do know a thing or two about Canada.

You see, Canada was not always an independent country who don't need no Empire to govern it. Canada Day marks the occasion when Canada was born, and I mean this in a figurative sense. Imagine squeezing an entire country out of the womb. Anyway, moving on. Back in 1867, some dudes decided to merge three provinces – Scotia, New Brunswick and Canada – into one huge province, as if those people believed that they could control that many citizens under one government. Pshhh, noobs.

The gigantic Canada province obviously didn't last long and was later reasonably split into Ontario and Quebec, even though the whole country itself is called Canada because people are too lazy to refer to separate provinces. Fair enough. I took a geography class in high school, and the moment I learned that the United Kingdom is actually made up of four countries, I was gone. Dropped out the next day. Also, I'm not sure how united the Kingdom is anymore, considering Brexit happened, but I'm not one to dabble in politics.

The point is, even though Canada started to Canada during the mid-1800s, the British Empire still intended on controlling them, because the Brits were control freaks at the time. Just look at King George III and his relationship with the States. He was willing to kill their friends and family to remind them of his love. What a dude, dude.

But, Canada put their foot down in a move that totally contradicted their polite stereotype, and fought back against the Brits, eventually breaking up with the Empire in 1982 and finally gaining independence. Maybe maple syrup gave them so much adrenaline that they just jumped the Brits, who were freaked out by their sugar rushes and thus left them be. I like to imagine that that's what happened to them. Maybe I should write a novel about it.

Even so, the Canadians, redeeming their polite reputation, stayed on good terms with the British Empire, so that the Queen remains the Monarch and Head of State in Canada. Aw, how nice. The Queen, after all, is a queen, and no one better disrespect the queen. So, that was the tale of Canadian independence, but this story is far from over, oh no. I have loads more to talk about, so grab some popcorn and sit your butt down somewhere comfy, because we're going to be here for at least another two thousand words.

I hear you ask, that was the story of Canada standing up for themselves, but what the hell is Dominion Day? A national holiday when everyone orders pizza from Dominos and downs five glasses of wine in a single night? I wish. I've been writing letters to Justin Trudeau, asking if he would make that an official holiday. He hasn't responded yet. I wonder why? Maybe he doesn't like pizza. Gasp! Who wouldn't like pizza? The horror. I almost cried just typing that sentence.

Oh yeah, back to Dominion Day. So, a guy came up with the idea of a national holiday regarding the formation of Reasonably Split Canada in 1879. Guess what he called it? Dominion Day. The word dominion supposedly originated from the Old Testament, so it has nothing to do with pizza, to my disappointment. Even so, up until 1917, the Canadians were like, "what the hell? We're still Brits, you pleb," so Dominion Day wasn't widely acknowledged as a legit holiday for decades.