Dauntless Born

7. Everyone Cries When They're Young

Four/Tobias

We start training today. I'm not sure how I feel. I'd like to say I feel neutral- like I'm not worrying at all but that wouldn't be true. In all honesty, I am nervous. I don't want to fail and end up in the faction less.

The element here is much different then my past. It feels so wrong, but in a weird way completely right. It feels relieving to let go of the pain. The dark memories, that no matter how hard I try will ever go away. Sometimes I squeeze my eyes shut, attempting to push them out of my mind, to let go of them forever. It never works, but sometimes is calms me.

I use to cry a lot. I don't much anymore, because now it just feels pointless. I was young, and everyone cries when they're young. Things upset you, and they just pour out one after another.

When I felt like crying, I use to bite my cheek down as hard as I could. It was like focusing my pain on that would make me forget what I was upset about. Once after Marcus had whipped me, I didn't want to cry in front of him so I bit down on the inside of my cheek so hard it started bleeding. But that pain could never compare to how I felt being whipped, betrayed by your own flesh and blood. I try to deny ever being related to him anymore. I've never mentioned him to anyone here, even my closest friends. How could I? I didn't want to be apart of him at all. I didn't ever want to look into those piercing black eyes that would bore into mine. I didn't ever want to go back to that again.

That's one of the reasons why I am never letting myself get too close to anyone here. I don't want to risk letting my past out to them. I don't ever want to have kids. To get married. I wouldn't feel worthy enough, especially after being treated like I never mattered most of my life.

So most of the time, I stay away from people. I never let them know too much. I like to think that I'm starting a new life here. A life as just Four.

I got the name Four last week when I was taking my fear simulation tests. My instructor, Amar, said it was miraculous that I only had four fears. He suggested that be my nickname, and it stuck. Everyone called me Four.

When I took my faction tests a while ago, the lady who volunteered told me that my test was inconclusive. I was very confused, and she told me to never talk about it with anyone. Not even my father. She told me she entered it as Abnegation, and to leave immediately. I was never to speak of it again.

That was until Amar came along. He told me I was Divergent, and that it was extremely dangerous. I don't know why yet, and no one wants to tell me. He said that no one should ever know, and to make my fear simulation tests seem like everyone else's. Divergent's find special ways to go beyond boundaries and think of different ways to get through the simulations by editing the obstacles. So I practice acting like other imitates do, just getting through the simulation plainly by facing the fear.

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Little update on Four's Pov ;) Just to let you guys know, he doesn't want kids and marriage yet. I'm not spoiling anything, but when you meet the right person sometimes you change your mind... :) He is building his walls up for self preservation, but someone may change that. As you all know this is based off the real novel, just with a few twists and the fact that Tris is Dauntless born. I've been getting votes and comment lately, and I can't thank you all enough! I love you guys so so much. I live all the feedback and support. It makes me want to update more!

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-hx7680