Chit and Jake

Chit

I slept most of Saturday. I woke up at around four in the afternoon and didn't leave my bed until at least five. It was a good way to spend the day. Eventually, I decided to get up and get my speaker so that I could plug my phone into it. I hit shuffle and the music blasted out of it at full volume. It was suffocating in a good way because I couldn't hear myself think. I'm sure the neighbors would be annoyed, complain even, but I didn't care. I needed to escape. I honestly didn't know what I felt but I knew what I should be feeling, so I went with that. I'd lost Jake, of that I was almost sure. I'd lost the only friend I'd had, my best friend. I made another two when he disappeared, but lost them as well. Despite all this, I hadn't lost my grades. I always thought that as long as I had those I could survive anything, that nothing else really mattered. I was wrong. I got out a glass and made myself a Coke spider. It was one of my comfort foods that never failed to work. I had the heaters running so it was nowhere near as cold inside as it was outside; in fact it almost felt like summer.

I slept most of Sunday because I'd stayed up late reading. I was finally finished the Shiver, Linger and Forever trilogy so I got up and found a spot to put them on my bookshelf. It bugged me that it wasn't organised by author last names, like it was at the library, so I decided to spend what little I had left of today rearranging it.

Beep, beep, beep.
There it was, that dreaded sound signalling the first of many days in solitude. It's easy to be alone as long as you don't know how it feels to be with others but once you learn that, you're screwed. Being alone then either makes you feel everything or nothing, sometimes both. It was hard to explain. I had breakfast and got ready to go. I still hadn't decided which fate I would rather- the bus with Chris and Levy, or walking and seeing Jake. Both were going to hurt me but I chose the bus. I wouldn't have to see them; if I kept my eyes down and sat closer to the front then I'd be fine. They wouldn't approach me, especially after what I did even if I had explained it to Chris. I'd hurt Levy, I didn't expect forgiveness and I didn't really deserve it either. I left to go to the bus stop at 7:40 intentionally, so that there was no awkward silence while we were all waiting. I normally preferred winter- the long clothes, the cool weather, the snow. Today it just made me feel as numb on the outside as I was on the inside. I didn't look up until I had to cross the road and even then it was only brief. I knew they'd both be there- Chris with his nose stuck in a new book and Levy with her headphones stuck in her ears. I didn't need to lift my gaze to know that so I didn't. The bus got there not long after I had so at about 7:45. Neither of them had approached me but for some reason I kind of hoped they did. I wanted things to go back to normal...I wanted forgiveness or even anger but...I didn't want this. I didn't want this irritable silence, the pain of being around them but not being able to interact with them. I wanted to see Levy's smiling face, not this empty expression she wore now. I wanted the two of them to be close but they'd reverted straight back to sitting apart and alone- in silence. It was weird to think that the same thing that brought them together had torn them apart. I didn't expect it to change, they'd be fine without me, so why had it? Why did it end up like this again? I looked at Levy, something I'd decided I wouldn't do, yet I still did it anyway. As I did our eyes locked onto each other, she was already looking at me. It looked like I'd caught her off guard. Her face went red and she tore her gaze away, judging from that and her expression, she was angry. I felt flutters, even after hurting her and despite it only being a week, I still felt this. If I were being honest it would've been that first day I caught the bus that this began. I remember seeing her, how my breath hitched and my heart faltered at her beauty. I suppose beauty is the wrong word, it was that but it was her pondering gaze, the slight head bobbing in time with her music. It was how eternal she looked in that moment. Her beauty and blissful happiness was what got me hooked. I ignored this for several reasons but the main one was that I wasn't shallow. I didn't judge people based off their appearances so why did she have that effect on me? It hadn't happened before and I had no idea how to handle it so I simply pushed it away. I still caught my breath when I looked at her, every single time. I wanted to approach her and I would if I had the courage because she was only a few seats behind me, but I didn't. I wanted to apologise and make up for what I'd done but mostly I just wanted to see her smile, to be the reason for it. I also missed Chris but I didn't know if I had the right to approach him or not and I didn't particularly feel like getting beaten up. The rest of the bus ride was quiet and lonely.