The Summer to Remember

Phoenix, Arizona

Anthony: 

Ian and I hadn't had sex in two days.

Which didn't really make any sense to me, considering he was the one rejecting me. I wanted it, and until Texas, I thought he did too. But ever since he tried to hold my hand in public, he's been... different. I mean, I'll try to get the, uh, benefits out of friends with benefits, and he'll totally push me away. Which kinda frustrated me, because I was giving him what he wanted after all these years, and he was making me feel pretty damn crappy about it.

So, I really didn't know where we stood right now. We weren't friends with benefits anymore, we weren't a "thing," I guess we were just... friends.

But, I wasn't giving up yet.

After even just two short days, I missed it. God, I missed it so much. I wanted- no, I needed it again, and I was determined to get it.

I mean, who knows what will happen when we get home? Things will probably go right back to normal, which means no benefits. And we only had one more stop after this before getting home, so I was sure to get the most of it.

*

Upon returning to our hotel that night in Pheonix, after a nice evening of friendly-dinner and sightseeing, I was ready to make my move.

He was kicking his worn-out Adidas sneakers off by the door, and I was behind him, a slight smirk on my face.

He turned around and stepped back a little when he found me right there, but I just stepped closer and went to push him back against the door, but he dodged my hands and sterntly said, "Stop."

I wasn't giving up yet.

I smirked a little more, stepping even closer and growling "Hmm, playing hard-to-get I see."

I leaned down a little, aiming for his lips, but he pushed me away and repeated, "Stop."

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, getting frustrated.

"You know what?" I said, stepping back and running my fingers through my hair. "I'm done. I'm fucking done. I've been doing this for you, to make you happy, because I know this stupid little vacation meant so much to you and I wanted you to have a good summer. I'm being so god-damned selfless just for you, and now you're just gonna push me away for no reason? I really can't believe this."

And the second the words left my mouth, I remembered what the outcome would probably be, and prepared for the "I'm sorry I didn't mean it" speech, but I quickly realized I wouldn't need it.

"Selfless? Selfless?" he started, a hint of laughter in his voice, and I narrowed my eyes and was about to interrupt, but he went on.

"You may just be the most selfish person on this planet! You're over here trying to sleep with me multiple times every day, but refuse to show any signs of romance in public? So you're basically just using me. How do you think that makes me feel? Huh? Did you even think about my feelings? You're basically just using me as your little sex slave every time you get a little horny. You don't care about what I think. And don't even say you're only doing this to make me happy, because you obviously enjoy it just as much as I do. You fucking drunken self told me so."

I clenched my teeth, feeling my hands shake a little, which always seemed to happen when I got madder than I should.

But, as soon as I opened my mouth, nothing seemed to come out. I was speechless. I was completely pissed off, shaky, and speechless.

"Go to hell," I said breathlessly, then pushed him out of my way and left the room, slamming the door behind me.

As soon as I entered the hallway, not really sure where I was going or what I was doing, the door opened again behind me.

"And where are you going now?" Ian asked angrily, probably alerting every one of our hotel-room-neighbors. But neither of us obviously cared.

"Anywhere away from you," I shot back, openening the door to the stairwell and angrily slamming it behind me, not caring at all about all the innocent people around us that were probably trying to sleep.

As soon as it was shut and I was completely alone except for the staircase of gray concerete steps in front of me, I found myself punching the wall in anger, then sliding down along it until I was on the floor, helpless and angry and upset.

God, why did he say those things? I wasn't "using him." Did he not understand why I was doing what I was? We obviously both wanted it, I just didn't want our affection to be public and he did. What was the big deal?

Well, and I sort of chose when we did it...

And I would always dominate...

And....

God, I was just using him.

Well, worst best friend of the year award goes to me. How could I not realize it? My best friend is in love with me, and I'm totally fucking with him by only fucking him when I want to and when we're completely alone. I really didn't care about what he wanted. He wanted a relationship, with hugging and kissing in public and being able to hold hands when we walk home from dinner. And, deep down inside, I wanted it too. I was just trying to get rid of my feelings by convincing myself that sleeping with him was a better alternative than dating him. Which is probably the worst thing I've ever done.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, lowering my head into them and silently sobbing to myself. I really was the worst person in the world. I hated myself. Ian didn't deserve me. He deserved someone who actually showed how much he loves and cares for him. Not some monster who uses him for sex. Not me.

How would he ever be able to forgive me after this?

A/N: Oh damn heated argument shiiiiit man but yeah this has like 5 pr 6 parts left and I'm just trying to get it done .__. See ya latah c: