The Summer to Remember

Ian:

Have you ever had that one thing that you love doing so incredibly much, but one day you wake up and realize you're just, I don't know, bored with it? Like, take a hobby or something. Say... drawing. You could love drawing with all that you are, but one day, decide it's time to try something else. But you don't wanna completely give up drawing, because you know you'll really miss it. You're just bored with it. You get what I mean?

Well, that's me right now. No, I don't draw. I may just be the worst artist in the whole entire world. 

I felt this way about my job.

No, don't get me wrong. I basically am living my dream job, and I love it. It's just... after eight straight years of staying up until four in the morning editing, having to fly to Los Angeles almost every weekend for meetings, and the stress of it all, I'm a little... worn out. 

And the thing is, I'm just so damn conflicted, because I love my job so much. I love dressing up in silly costumes and doing ridculous things with my best friend. No, I don't hate it. I could never hate it. I just hate parts of it. I hate sitting in front of a blank computer screen for hours trying to write one script. I hate losing hours of sleep because I have to edit a video. I hate all the hate I get from people all across the world. I mean, of course I don't let it get to me, because I'm not gonna believe some nine-year-old that lives thousands of miles away from me that tells me I'm ugly and fat and should kill myself. Yes, I know Anthony's more attractive than me. I know he's "the better half of Smosh." I know he's perfect in every way.

Oh, Anthony.

He's the number one reason I could never quit Smosh. What would happen to us? What if one of us moved out and never spoke again? I couldn't deal with that. I wouldn't be able to last an hour without him. I would rather die than not be his friend.

The main reason? I've been in love with him since the day I met him.

And it just really sucks, because I know for a fact he doesn't feel the same way about me. He's had like, seven girlfriends. In fact, just yesterday he broke up with one he'd been dating for over two years.

When he walked in the house at almost three a.m., I was half-asleep in front of The Office, and he was crying. And at first, I didn't think much of it, because he actually came home crying a lot. Him and this girlfriend fought literally all the time, so I just stood up and prepared the usual it's-okay-I'm-sure-you'll-work-it-out-soon speech in my head.

And then he came over and collapsed in my arms, which I was used to, but despite the familiarity of it, my heart still skipped a beat every time. And I rubbed his back a little and asked him what happened, and then he said it.

"She cheated on me."

And thank God he couldn't see my face, because right then, I had the biggest smile on my face. And I hated myself for it, because I was so god damn selfish. My best friend was in so much pain right in my arms, and I was so incredibly ecstatic. But, I mean, I didn't want him in a serious relationship. He spends every second of every day with her, and would eventually move out and leave me all alone. He would never love me; I've basically accepted that fact. But, we can't help who we fall in love with. I've tried to get over Anthony. I've tried for over a decade. But by now, I've also accepted the fact that he's the only person I'll ever love, and I'll never be able to stop loving him no matter how hard I try.

And it's just so hard to not spill the secret, y'know? It's like, almost every day he'll bring up how weird it is that I've never really been in a real relationship and sometime soon we're gonna go somewhere and find me someone, and where I just shrug and say I'll find the right person someday, I'm internally screaming I've never dated anyone because the only person I'll ever want to date isn't even interested in my gender.      

But, aside from all the hardships with Anthony, my life is pretty great. It's just so much stress. I just wish there was some way to do what you love forever but not have to deal with it all.

And then it hit me.

There was a way.

At least, temporarily.

A/N: Woohoo! New chapter fic! :D Haha, so it's sorta short and boring now, I know, but it'll get better, I promise. I mean, the first part is always kinda slow, right? But yeah! I hope you guys are as excited for this as I am! :D See ya latah c: