Before I Go

4: Choice

I decided to update early, because I'm going to Daytona with my family and I will be busy and with no wifi signal.

Emma's POV

I had been asleep at the hospital for 1 month with no physical response or sign of my recovery. But after that time, I woke up, I was alive, but yet I was okay.
After I was released from the hospital, I was depressed and angry with life. What was the point of living if I had no school and no plans and the person I love was gone?
During the following two months, I didn't eat well and I stayed on my bed all day. Many friends came to visit me, but eventually all of them were gone. The only person that stayed was Lindsey. She was really supportive and kind with me, but still, one day she had to go to college and leave.
A few days before leaving, Lindsey came to my house to spend a couple of hours with me. "How are you feeling?" She asked me, I didn't answer.
I knew I was hurting her, but I couldn't gelp. "Listen, I'm going to college in the next few days. But I promise you I will be in touch, I will text you everyday and one day you can come to live with me. We can go to school together and we can be roomies. Wouldn't it be cool?" Her eyes were full of hope, but I couldn't bear the idea of moving on. How can you move on when you have nothing left?
"Lindsey... I can't... You..." words couldn't come out of my mouth and I started to cry.
"Emma, please. I can't stand seeing you like this" She began to cry too. "It is hard for everybody. But we can't cry all day and feel sorry forever. Life has to continue".
"NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!" I was broken. I knew life continues, but how to continue... I tried to calm down "I lost everything! I don't know how to live right now..."
Lindsey looked at me with fierce, but also with sadness. She stood up to get her bag. She pulled out her laptop and opened it.
"I didn't want to show you this, but now I know I have to" her voice was full of recent "At graduation, Tyler was supposed to give the Valectorian speech, remember? I was asked to give it for him. "You have no idea how hard was to do it"
She showed me the video of the graduation. I saw her speech, with her eyes full of tears. She was in pain as much as I was.
She looked at me and said "I know you're in pain, and I know how hard this has been for you. But it has been hard for me too.
"I gave the same speech he wrote for graduation. I was at his funeral. I lost my best friend. He was there when my parents got divorced. He told me that one day I would never commit the same mistakes my parents did. He was like the brother I never had. I feel his lost as much as you! You are in pain, but we all are! His mom, his siblings, his friends. You are NOT the only one!"
It never occurred to me that all his relatives would feel his absence, but I was having the hardest time of my life. My eyes were sore from that much crying, but I never stopped.
Finally, Lindsey stood up and said "I have to go... I... I need to catch up on some stuff. I'll call you later, okay?"
I didn't respond. I was mad and depressed, but anyway she gave me a kiss on my cheek and said before leaving "I love you, best friend. Everything will be alright. I promise".
Nothing was going to be fine. Everything was wrong. I had no motivation to keep living, so I decided that it was time to finish the pain. I thought about it for a while, until I chose what to do.
I went to my parents bathroom closing the door, and found the box full of medicines that my mom kept just in case. I took all the pills that my fist could and I put each single one of them, swallowing slowly. I wanted to end my life as fast as I could. There was no purpose for me to stay alive.

This chapter kind of make me emotional. The idea of suicide is something that should be treated, and if someone is dealing with that, I tell you that there is always a way out, never lose the hope, and don't let haters get you down.
P. S. Today Selena's Revival Tour begins!! I'm so excited for this Tour, I have my tickets for June 10!!