I looked everywhere for Joss but I couldn't find him. I checked Marissa's house, all the local eat outs, his old house, the hospitals, the parks, everywhere. I went back home tired and worried. Austin tried cheering me up by cooking us a lovely dinner but I wasn't hungry without Joss. In truth, I feel lonely without him, I feel as if he broke my heart yet we both know who broke whose heart. I feel like such a monster, I should kill myself. Wouldn't that be pleasant? I mean think about it, there'd be no more drama, no more heart ache, no more need for money to survive, no baby to have to abort, no missing my mother who died basically because of me, no need to have to ever worry again. Death seems like such a much better choice than living. But then again, if I was dead, look at all the people I'd hurt worse. The emptiness I'd leave in their lifes, there'd be no love for me anymore, no feelings, no more I love you's, no more laughs, no more fun, no more miracles, no more Marissa, no more Austin or Joss, no more dreams, no more anything. Living sounds so much more fun than death yet death sounds so much less painful than life. Hmm, thats the oxymoron huh? Why do we even exist any ways? It's stupid, we live, we laugh, we cry, we love, then we die. Isn't that pointless, not to mention some people never even get love or laughs, just sickness and death. What a tragity, we should all , as a human race, drop dead right now and end this cycle of pain but who am I to judge right? Ha , that's funny, I'm depressing. I should jump off a cliff right now but no, I'm too much of a coward to do it. So instead I'll just sneak out once Austin is asleep and look for Joss. Once Austin finished eating and we went to bed, he wrapped his arms around me and he fell into a deep sleep. I just layed there thinking of Joss. Where could he possibly be? Where Joss, where? Then it hit me, like lightning. The woods. I gently and silently slipped out of Austin's reach and I quickly pranced out of the room. Dustangel (Prounced like Nathaniel but Dustangel) got up and streched before pitter-pattering over to me. She rubbed against me while purring. "Shhh, be quite Dustangel." She meowed loudly and I picked her up and pet her so she'd be quite, I opened a can of tuna for her and she ate it silently while purring. I grabbed a sweater and zipped it up. I grabbed a flash light, pepper spray, and a pair of sneakers. I threw on the sneakers and tied them. I grabbed a pair of house keys and I was on my way out of the house. I locked the door behind me, I felt my pockets for my cell phone and thankfully I had it in my back pocket. I walked , then sprinted to the woods. I carefully hopped the rocks over the river then I ran to the tree where Joss and I used to sit under. He wasn't there... he... he isn't here... what... where.. how? Where is he? How could he have gone further than here without anyone seeing him? I never felt so disappointed in my life. I fell to the floor and sobbed a bit. I cried aloud "Joss? Joss please? Where are you?" No answer, not that I'd expected any. It just felt good to speak my mind aloud. I decided this is a good coping technique so I continued to speak aloud. "Joss, I'm sorry. I know you can't hear me but I hope in my heart you know I love and miss you. I promise I'll explain it all if you come back." I broke down a bit a cried. Then I gathered my thoughts and spoke ever so softly into the night. "I promise to be your everything, I promise I'll never hurt you again. Please Joss, please come back. I love you." My voice echoed into the night. I sobbed until I fell asleep under the tree.
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I woke up to the sun on my skin, it warmed me so well. It almost felt as if someone was hugging me tightly and I loved the feel of it. I opened my eyes and I noticed that there was in fact, arms around me. I followed them to the source and I saw a sleeping Joss. I smiled and a tear of happiness escaped my right eye. I hugged him tightly and I fell back asleep on his shoulder ever so gently. I drifted off into a beautiful sleep filled with dreams of Joss and I running around outside as little kids. I missed so much, I truly did. He may not be my love but he will always be my bestfriend no matter what. I felt a kiss on my cheek and I snapped awake. "Joss, I need to tell you some important stuff. I promise I'll explain everything." I blurted out without thinking. Joss uttered "Shhh." Before kissing me softly. "It doesn't matter right now. All that matters is you and I." He kissed me again. Oh god Joss, come on. At least let me explain before you try to fix things. Should I lie or tell the truth? Ugh. Why is this so hard to decide on?! He's too sweet to lie to but if tell the truth I'll break his heart like a crystal. He tried again to kiss me but I stopped him. "Joss, I really need to explain some stuff to you." Joss giggled. "I don't care Rein. I snuck off yesterday upset but then I realized, you probably just cheated because you didn't have a real man in your life so you found a man and you thought you were in love but I bet you still love me. I mean really, I've known you forever. I know everything about you, I know where you hide when you're sad, I know how your eyes close when you get kissed just the right way, I'm the only one who knows how to kiss you the way you like, I know your birthday, your childhood, I know it all. No one else could possibly know all I know or ever love you like I do. I've always been here for you and always will be. Now, what could you possibly tell me that will change anything I've just said? Nothing right. Don't tell me anything that will hurt me Rein. I don't need to know. I don't want to know. All I want to know is that you still love me. Do you?" Every word Joss said cut straight into my heart. He is right in every way possible. What if I did just imagine that I love Austin? What if all I wanted was love? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't love Austin. But then why did it feel so real? Oh Joss, why do you have to know me so well, why do you know me better than I know myself? "I ... I do Joss, I do love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything." I hugged him and it felt good. I felt so innocent and young again. How does he make me feel that way? "I love you too Rein. Promise me you'll leave that other man. Please." His words stabbed me in the back and I felt like I was under a trance. Do I want to be under this trance? Or is he forcing me? "I ... can't." Joss shushed me and asked again. "Promise you'll leave him." I suddenly felt like he was making me leave Austin and I didn't like that. "No, you can't make me." Joss looked at me through pain in his eyes. "Do you love him? More than me??" I can't lie, but then again, not even I know who I love anymore. "No, I don't. I'm sorry, I was just confused. Of course I love you more." My head hurts so badly right now. "Rein, you're not lying right?" I kissed him to make him shut up. He must have not have noticed because he kissed me back. I pulled back and lifted myself off the grass. He did the same and then he grabbed my hand, which he kissed before holding it. He smiled at me and oh did his heart warm me up or what. "I'm moving back in with my mom so I'll be right next door if you need anything. Want me to walk you home?" I smiled back at him, things almost felt like they did when we were younger. Almost. The difference is now I have a fiance at home who has no idea that I re-kindled my love for my boyfriend. Oh god. I just hope Joss and Austin don't run into eachother anytime soon. Joss and I walked home happily, our love so warm that the silence didn't bother us. If anything, the silence sort of calmed our nerves down. I began to feel tired from not having a full night of rest. Once we reached his house he gave me a tender kiss goodbye. I hugged him tightly and he nuzzled his nose against my ear and whispered "Remember to leave him for me. Please. I love you." My eyes teared and I whispered back "I love you too." With a final peck on the lips, I walked over to my house and entered with a sigh. "I saw your little performance with lover boy out there. How'd the plan go?" Asked Austin in an amused voice. He was eating a muffin with some milk. "Well... we're back together. I didn't tell him anything at all. He told me it didn't matter... and that he loves me." Austin giggled "What a loser, he really thought that would work on you? Haha, you're way too smart to fall for that." He kissed my cheek but I looked at him with hurt eyes. "Wait... you didn't fall for that right... ?" My stare answered him completely. He dropped his muffin and stormed off to the room where Dustangel was fast asleep on our bed. He began tossing clothes in a bag. "Wh- what are you doing Austin?" I hesitated to ask because I knew where this was heading. "Its very clear that you love that bastard next door so you're done with me now that he's back. I should have known I was just your toy. I'm going home. To my real home. The one I made. Alone." This can't be really happening, this is all too fast. All too painful. All too much for me. I ran to the kitchen. I pulled out a blade and Austin ran after me. His eyes widened at the sight of me holding the blade to my throat. "REIN! YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW!!!" He's right, I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. Damn you Austin. I would have done it, I swear I would have. "PUT DOWN THE KNIFE NOW!!!!" His face showed dominance. I dropped the knife to the floor and in a pathetic voice I mumbled "Please love me." Austin's body softened up and he hugged me tightly.
