Bite Me.

23.

Eren lay in his bed staring at the ceiling. He just couldn't understand why his heart was still racing so fast just because he'd discovered that Levi had asked him to kiss him. He'd kissed him before, so why was this different? Well, for one, he'd never asked permission before. For another, he'd mostly been high when it had happened or just really caught up in the anticipation of being fed from that anything was fine. And the most obvious being, Levi hadn't said it outright. He'd hidden it in a language that he seemingly only ever spoke to his brother- and even then, only when he was in rare high spirits. It seemed a little like he was unsure of himself. If he was being coy, that was absolutely adorable. But he couldn't escape the fact that he was entertained by the idea that Levi might reciprocate some sort of feeling, even if he just used him as a plaything. But he couldn't allow for himself to be lured any deeper into the lion's jaws. He had to get himself out of this funk if he wanted to save his heart. Deny all feeling... What a hypocrite he was, to try and crush his own feelings for the same person he was trying to evoke emotions in.

Archer had noticed a subtle but important change in his brother after the little 'incident' with Marzia, and his not all that surprising reaction. He was displaying signs of guilt over what he had done, despite having healed all the wounds he himself caused. He never healed people. Healing was a painful affair for both parties. On the one hand, the injured human concerned had to be in pain to begin with. For the vampire, it took willpower. It was just injecting their venom without feeding. Doing this made them incredibly tired, and on such a large scale it was sure to make one more susceptible to mood swings and all other nasty effects of being sleep-deprived. Well, Levi was always sleep-deprived anyway. He had been acting uncharacteristically maladroit around Eren since this, and either it was the exhaustion or he had been affected by his actions and the unfortunate death of a maid he had grown accustomed to having around. He wasn't certain of the exact measures to which Levi had actually changed, but even just a small amount was the difference between somebody living or dying. But the first and foremost question was not his change of heart about emotions themselves, but rather his emotions towards Eren. He never acted so improperly gauche to anybody else. His manners had failed him on numerous occasions before, there was no doubt about that, but never in such a fashion is this. He was a little ashamed of his brother's inelegance. He conspired to have a little conversation with him. He couldn't prove he had any affections towards Eren, but he could still persuade him to act with more grace in the future. He found him in the music room easily enough, sat strumming lazily at a guitar at the edge of the small stage. It was the early hours of the morning, so finding him here was perhaps a little perplexing.
'What are you doing?' He ran his hand along a violin gathering dust on the wall.
'Je n'arrive pas à dormir,' Levi placed the guitar down gently, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms round them. 'I thought I'd come down here instead of lying awake in my bed.'
The conversations between the bilingual brothers were always confusing for any witness, because they slid in and out of the two languages just as easily as if the conversation flowed all in one language. This fluidity of speech meant that they could conceal parts of conversations with the pretense of being able to explain it better in the other language.
Archer was nonplussed by this revelation- his brother always had been an insomniac, up at all hours trying to distract himself. It was as much a cause for concern as the first time he had found out, though. He didn't do so well with lack of sleep. All his behaviours could probably be blamed on the rarity of his rest, if it weren't for the fact that when he did manage to sleep for more than a few hours he awoke in even worse spirits than usual. He was a tricky person to handle unless you knew how. Archer still had difficulty managing his many and constantly changing moods and affectations, even after over 200 years. It worried him that he might have picked up more- and it was entirely plausible- that he wouldn't know how to best approach.
'Can we talk?' He asked, understanding that Levi was in one of his quiet moods where he didn't much enjoy meaningless human reaction. This was a mood that he rarely caught, because usually Levi disappeared to places where he thought nobody would find him. He may be unwilling to let on to much in these dampened spirits, but it was also the best time to hold a serious conversation with him because he tended to give far more humane and rational responses, not hounded by his usual anger and bitterness. He didn't get a reply, but that was typical for moments like this. That was a yes in his eyes. He stood in front of his brother so that their eyes were level.
'Is Eren upsetting you?' He put this as delicately as he could, not wanting to evoke any strong reactions and thus break his mood.
'No.'
He could usually expect honesty from this mood, as well. He was very detached from himself, so he could view things with an immense perspective that most people couldn't hope to see grasp the concept of.
'Is it your treatment of him, then?'
'Perhaps,'
Crap, the mood was fading fast and he was running out of time. He had to approach this with tact.
'What you did... You regret it, don't you?'
'I...' Momentary silence. 'I suppose I do.'
Now that he had received confirmation that he was right in his assumption, Archer could start breaking his brother down. The normally treasured honesty in this moment meant very little to him now. It was just a means to find out whether he should use this bit of information to emotionally ruin him.
'What you did, I don't think Eren will ever forgive you.'
Levi looked up, a pained understanding clear in his expression.
'I know,' he whispered. 'I don't think I will ever forgive myself.'
Oh god, Archer had misjudged this situation completely. He wasn't detached, he wasn't numb; he was feeling everything. This was the mood he was most afraid of. How could he have made this mistake? Levi had never been one to openly talk about his internal conflict, but in moments like this it was obvious. Maybe not to anyone else, but to his own brother it was plain to see. His mind was plagued by the emotions he so cleverly concealed normally. He felt everything ten times more than everybody else. It was too intense for him- he just didn't understand how to deal with it, so he didn't. He bottled it all up and when all the anger had run dry all he was left with was a deep, gnawing sadness and great guilt that threatened to completely dissolve all trace of his humanity. He just became downright bent on self destruction and went on guilt spirals. He was spiralling now, and it was going to get out of control. His quietness wasn't being emotionally void, but rather on emotional overload. He was trying to process all of this hurt, all of this grief that just wouldn't leave him alone. Long cracks were appearing in the seams of his sanity. Such a complex mind was sure to have its faults, and this was one of them.
'I forgive you,' Archer put his hands either side of Levi's neck and stared into his tortured eyes. This was all he had to offer. Perhaps it would provide some consolation. He then remembered his plan, how he had wanted to snap him and wring the emotions out of him. This was what he had desired. Was he being too much of a coward to go through with it? Just because it was a borderline-suicidal mood swing didn't mean it wouldn't produce the same results. It didn't change a thing. This was exactly where he had wanted him. If he only comforted him now, he'd never get his brother back. That came before being cruel now. He swallowed hard, mustering up the last of his courage and patience.
'It's a pity that you are so difficult to kill,' he inserted ice into his voice. 'Because I'm sure everybody would so like to end your miserable life.'
Levi stiffened, never having expected such callousness from his brother. The only person he could rely on to alleviate his grief was now turning on him. Yet another betrayal. He supposed he deserved it; he, too, had deserted him at the worst moment. And, in general, he was a terrible person. Death would be too kind a punishment for him. That was why fate had assigned him to be a vampire.
'Then kill me,' he didn't doubt for a second that this was no lie. Archer was actually offended by this. Did he really have so little faith in him? He was at a loss for words in lieu of discovering just how hated his brother thought he really was. He didn't think he could go through with this... He'd be racked with guilt for centuries to follow. But he had to. This was why he had come to England.
'I can't,' this was the truth. He couldn't begin to imagine such an atrocity. 'As much as I would like to, I wouldn't like to shoulder the responsibility of your job. I shouldn't be surprised, though, if you were overthrown soon. You are that much of a tyrant. Then I could kill you with ease.'
'Just kill me!' Levi pleaded, his voice rising an octave and tripling in volume. If he wasn't careful, he was going to wake the whole house. 'You traitorous, lying bastard, just kill me!' He scrambled up, hovering dangerously close to the edge of the stage, his teetering on the verge of a breakdown personified. 'The whole time you've been here, you were just conspiring against me! I trusted you. I treated you like my own brother, we grew up together, I protected you, and this is how you repay me? Another betrayal... I should have seen it coming. After all, everybody betrays me in the end. I shouldn't be so surprised that you would, too.'
Archer couldn't take much more of this- to know that he was causing suffering to the one person he had always sworn to protect against the betrayals of others was an agony like no other. No evil deed Levi had done could ever compare to this. Him leaving had partially been a measure of protection to some extent, because he believed that anybody he cared about would die.
'Who wouldn't want to betray you?' He forced out, the loathing for himself coming across as directed towards Levi. 'You treat everybody like shit. After all the things you've done to me, to other people, I've had enough. It's only natural that I should want you dead, isn't it?'
'You- you bastard,' Levi choked out, overcome by emotion. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to rip his brother's throat out.
'Why are you so upset? Did you expect me to give you counsel, help you out? Why should I, when every time I forgive you, you only go and hurt others again?'
Levi groaned and curled up in a ball against the wall, covering his ears with his hands to try and block out some of these dagger-like words.
'Laissez-moi tranquille,' he gasped, but Archer continued to explain to him why he was such an awful person and why he deserved death.
'And you still continue to allow Eren to live here. You sick, masochistic fool. That's the most selfish thing of all. You keep him here because you enjoy his company, and yet you know that you are a danger to him. You've already nearly killed him many times. When you were beating him to a bloody pulp, did you feel anything?'
'Yes, I felt anger. But I felt no guilt... You're right. I deserve to die.'