Winning Skylinn

67

Later as I sat in my room alone, I couldn't stop thinking about...well, a lot of things. Not just Jonny, but college and Denver and anything else my mind came up with.

I'd had a great first week with Denver. We'd went on dates, visited Disney World, done a little bit of touring downtown, swam in his pool, and even went to a carnival. It was like a dream come true, having him here again. I hated that it had to feel that way, like it was so unusual for him to even be here.

This may not've been where he grew up, but he'd spent most of his teenage life here. Now he was nineteen, like me, and his job was out of state. It just didn't seem right. 'He should be here,' I thought. It was selfish, really, wanting him here for my sake. But wasn't it for his sake, too? He did miss me when he was away; he said so in his letters.

Oh, the letters...

I peeked under my bed to see if they were still there, and was delighted to see that they were. I pulled one out and read it to myself, letting the words wash over me like a hot shower.

More than anything, I wanted Denver to be here full time. I didn't want him to be in some other place. I didn't want him to move to Alaska. I wanted him to live here, in Orlando. I wanted to continue our lives the way they'd always been.

But wasn't change healthy? Didn't all couples have to go through this kind of stuff, to test their relationship or something? I don't know, maybe I was just making it up.

I didn't understand why Denver wanted to be a part of the military. Why did he want to serve his country in that way? Why wasn't I enough for him?!

Whoa. Where did that come from?

I was in way over my head, being oblivious to everything Denver wanted in life. I had to go back to thinking the way I did when he left. Back when I was happy for him, and setting him free so he could pursue his dreams. It was so hard to do that, though, when all I wanted was to have him here, with me, forever.

And yet.

There was Jonny, just next door, waiting all these years for me to fall in love with him. Maybe not even that. Maybe he just wanted me to feel the same way, or understand how he felt, or pay attention to him in that way. I'd never understand that part of him.

What made him like me? What made him want me, and only me? Was it the same reasons Denver liked me, or were his reasons different? Did he have a different interpretation, a different understanding of me than Denver did?

Oh, to be six and not care about boys!

They did make life a lot more interesting, didn't they? A lot more dramatic, too.

I wanted to make both these guys happy. I loved Denver, but I loved Jonny too. I'd never loved him the way I loved Denver, of course, but they were too very different people.

With Denver, I felt like a queen. I felt honored and appreciated and loved and beautiful and desired. I was comfortable around him, I knew that much. Being with him just felt right.

And with Jonny, I felt like a normal person. I felt like me. I felt like somebody's best friend, somebody's favorite. Like if I was all he had, that was okay. I'd never dated him to know what that was like, but I did know what being his neighbor and best friend felt like, and those were probably two of my favorite things in life. I'd loved every second of growing up next to Jonny Cox.

But was that enough to change my mind about Denver?

I told myself that the past four years didn't count, because I hadn't known then that Jonny liked me. I'd been so focused on Denver, so in love with Denver, that I didn't have any room in my heart for another boy. It was always him, and only him.

But these past couple of days, knowing that Jonny liked me... They'd changed everything. They changed the way I looked at him, the way I felt when I was around him, the way I talked about him to my parents.

And yet, everything was exactly the way it'd been before. I didn't worry about my appearance, or fixing my hair before I went to check the mail each morning. I didn't worry about my clothes, that they were somehow distracting to him. I liked that-how everything was different but the same. My heart might've changed, but my mind hadn't. He was still the same Jonny he'd always been, and I was still me. We were still Jonathan and Leonard, the best of friends.

The only problem? I knew it was different in his head. I knew he didn't just think of me as his best friend, or the girl he'd grown up living next to. I wasn't even just his crush. I was the one he thought about constantly, daily. The one he wanted to be with. The one he was in love with.

I just didn't know if I felt the same way. If I could feel the same way.

I guess only time would tell; but I was running out of time. In just a week, Denver would be leaving for Alaska. And then what? Now that everything was out on the table, what would happen between me and Jonny? The rest of the summer, having endless nights to ourselves? Having cats that were siblings? God, even our pets brought us together!

Sometimes it seemed like everything in my life was pointing back to Jonny. And then other times, I could think of nothing but Denver.

I knew sooner or later I would have to make a choice. But for now, I just wanted to enjoy this last week with my boyfriend. He was the one I'd chosen first, right?