Down Under

#14 pt.2 an explanation

You may never think this
But I do
All the time
I lost count of how many times an hour I say this
I say it all the time
Not aloud
But in my head
Where no one can hear
If they did hear then they would worry
There is no need to worry about me
If you did then it would be a waste of thought
I hate myself
I hate myself because I am selfish
I hate myself because I am a lost cause
I hate myself because I grew up to fast
I hate myself because my world is falling to my feet
I hate myself because I'm losing everything
And it's all my fault
Everything I do becomes hard
Breathing is something I must remind myself to do
It hurts
My mind tells me things
Things I don't want to hear
But I can't stop it
My hate always comes back to haunt me
My hate for doing things out of selfishness
My hate for knowing I can't do anything to help everyone
My hate for myself
My hate for being able to smile and not say the truth
The truth that I am hurting inside
The truth that everything I do hurts me
The truth about hiding my eyes and forgetting the prize of what could be mine
I hate myself for writing these sad poems
Even thought they are true
They are the truth
They are my reality
I expose myself to the world
Even though I am still clothed by mystery
They say to try and find a happy place
But what if you don't have one?
What if your happy place is filled with smoke by the fire that you caused
Maybe I'm just a hopeless cause
No
Not maybe
I am just a hopeless cause
Everything now is just hopeless because everything is gone
I'm hanging on by a thread
A thread that is hooked onto a nail that is rusting away
That nail is then hooked onto a rotten piece of tree
The more I try to climb up
The farther I begin to fall
I look down and I see my fear
I see an endless water
I see darkness
I see my lost dreams
I see a childhood that I never had
I see nothingness
I see my reflection