Down Under

25

I'm sorry
I don't write anymore
Because I don't like to feel
The feels become overwhelming
I become an island in a hurricane
I, the island
The feelings, the hurricane
The hurricane brings destruction
My feelings bring bad heartache
Its become something I can't handle
When I try to write
The paper becomes limp and wet from the tears I shed remembering
Remembering the bad things
Writing used to be an out let of emotions
But now it's become a sob story
I wish I could hold it all in like I used to
To be strong and mighty
To stand up and say what I am
When in reality it's all a fabrication in my mind
You know it's bad when you start to believe your own lies
The thoughts in my head
They wont go away
The chemicals I take by mouth just don't work anymore
I used to pay for someone to just listen
Hundreds, thousand of dollars
Just for someone to listen to my pathetic teenage problems
The pills I pop on a day to day basis
My mother reminding me to take them
Asking if I've taken the pills
I sarrowfully say yes
Maybe one too many to keep the emotions away
One too many to keep my eyes dry and to forget
To forget who I am
To forget who I want to be
To forget who I used to be
Instead now,
I have become a workaholic
Doing everything to get my mind off anything
Work has become my addiction
Normal people stay up on their phone
Normal people stay up with friends
Normal people stay up just to stay up
I stay up pushing myself to my physical and mental limits
I stay up doing long equations step by step
I stay up so that I don't have to confront my problems in the world behind my eyelids

I have chosen to give up on love
I used to write of love
I used to write of what I wanted
I used to want love
Until I noticed something
Love is like a wall
A wall that was meant to stand tall in an honorable way
And then that wall was torn down
Torn down by it being too high
Torn down by the people who built it in the first place
I've given up on love
I don't want to love
Honestly, I know I'm scared to love
I've seen what love can do
Love for someone else
Love for an object
That soon becomes an addiction
Love itself is an addiction
Once you have it, once you get a taste of it
You want more
You crave it
It becomes a need
I've chosen to not love
Yes it hurts
It hurts a lot
It keeps me at an arms length from people
It keeps me from revealing who I am
It keeps me protected.