Astray

13

The next day I don't check my phone first thing in the morning like I usually do. I select a pair of jeans and a top which hardly shows my body. I go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. Instead of applying tons of make up like I usually do, I just dash a bit of mascara and lip gloss.

Tying my hair in a pony tail, I check my phone to see that the front screen is flooded with messages and notifications on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp.

Confused, I open Twitter first. And that's when I see all the comments.

Oh God, never thought @MelissaRichards could drop down to this level!

She's a slut, that was expected.

Sexy picture man!

Seen her body so many times, yet this picture just makes her look so much hotter.

@TheNathanGreene You nailed the girl bro!

@MelissaRichards Come to my bedroom also. Same red lingerie okay? ;)

My wall is flooded with messages and involuntarily, my hands begin to shake. Opening Instagram gives me the answer.

Because on top of my timeline is a picture posted by Nathan. A picture we clicked when we were still sleeping around. A post-sex picture. There's a caption below accompanying it too.

@NathanGreene: Had the best time of my life with my fuck buddy @MelissaRichards. She's hot, I must tell you. You'll be lucky if she'll entertain you without money. But whether you pay or not, the night will be worth it. ;) :*

My phone drops from my hand on to the bed as my hands fly to my face. I don't know for how long I stand there, as the phone continues to ping with notifications.

"I'll get back to you."

So that's what he meant. The pictures taken then were private. They were supposed to be between us, inside memories. They weren't supposed to be splashed across the social platforms for everyone to see.

It was a selfie with Nathan and me in it, but no one was saying anything to him. How do I feel? Absolutely shitty. Stupid. Exposed. Slutty. Whorish. Ashamed. Broken.

I never thought that this will happen to me. Hell, even I hadn't fallen to this level to bring down someone else. But I don't cry. I shiver, I shake, I hug myself to hold my soul together; but I don't cry.

Because girls like me aren't supposed to cry. We are supposed to suck it up and come back into the game with something better. Create drama and turn the tables.

What I've learnt is that the world is a circus. Everyone has a role. They've made me the lion who is supposed to dance to the tunes of the master. But they're forgetting that the lion is still the king of the jungle.

But as my phone keeps on beeping with the notifications, for the first time ever, I feel helpless. There is nothing I can do. If I am popular in the high school and college circles, Nathan has double the fame. He can squish me below his toe. My friends have abandoned me. I saw a comment or two from Sassy and Ned trashing me.

I'm alone. All alone.

I don't know when I sit down on the bed and wrap my arms around my knees. Like that'll stop me from breaking. A goosebump passes up my spine as I shiver. I can't sit like this. I can't lose hope. That's the only thing which has kept me going.

I burst out of my door as I run towards the stairs. Downstairs, I see dad at the breakfast table. Looking at him gives me some sort of relief. I want to run to him and have him scoop me up in his arms like he did when I was young.

But relationships change and people don't really stay yours even if they're around. It hurts more when those people disappoint you, the people whom you don't expect will hurt you. The people who can't hurt you, because they just love you so much. Maybe I have to be disappointed before I find happiness. Maybe I have to lose before I love.

I hear Maria's laughter as dad says something to her. That is a family. That is what love is like. I don't remember the last time my laughter sounded like that. I grip the banister tightly as I stare on. They don't even look at me.

Desperation claws at me. A spoon is set on the table next to where I am standing. I swipe my hand across the surface and the spoon clatters on the marble floor, the voice echoing through the entire corridor.

Dad and Maria as well as all the servants look up at me.
"Lisa? Where you've been?" He asks, concern pooling into his eyes.
There, I got it, the attention I needed.

"Dad, can I talk to you?" My voice comes out as a whine and I realize how much I want to cry into his arms right now.
"Sure honey." He says as he stands up. But then his phone rings and I walk down the stairs, knowing that dad will cut the call, like he always did.

"I must recieve this, excuse me." He holds up his hand, his expression screaming guilt. But I stop. I'm in no mood to wait and understand, at a moment when I'm begging to be understood. Guess the attention was never mine to begin with.

Dad gets inmersed in the call and I turn and run back to my room. I shut my door and open the little fridge at the back of my room. I take out a vodka bottle and gurgle down a huge sip. The bitterness scratches my throat and I wince. The realization dawns, I feel alive only when I feel the pain, the hurt and everything else burning me down. I'd stayed away from alcohol in hopes to stay sober and get out of my mild addiction.

No more. Plan A failed. Fuck the other twenty five letters. Everything else is shit. I sit down at the edge of my bed and drink some more directly from the bottle.

I don't know how much time passes by, but soon, darkness takes over. Just like I hoped it would.

•••

Please, don't ask me to update. I update a lot faster than so many other writers. After posting, it is really disheartening to see only 'update' instead of any feedback about the chapter. I try my best to make it quick, I swear, just don't keep telling me to update.