Astray

14

I don't wake up like a normal person. My eyelids flutter a little, there is darkness and then slowly, very gently, my eyes open. They adjust to the light as I lie there. It is the same everyday, except for the fact that right now I am on the floor and a full, with a one litre empty vodka bottle lying next to me.

Drool hangs out from the side of my mouth and I wipe it away, disgusted by my own self. I sit up and my head feels like someone is hitting it with a hammer as shapes dance in front of my eyes.

"What the fuck." I mutter under my breathe as I sit still and wait for my vision to clear. I hold the bed for support and get up. My body is wet with perspiration and I wonder how I could sleep in such a heat. Oh, I passed out.

All the memories come flashing back to me and I openly cringe. It would've been better if I hadn't been reminded of all that shit.

But I'm forced to think. I wasn't always like this. Sure, I fooled around with boys, danced drunk at parties and wore the exact same type of clothes. But no one called me a slut then. At that point of time, I was loved, revered and famous.

When did things go downhill? Sure, Sassy first snap at me when I started consuming drugs, but why did the person cherished then become an object of hatred now? Why wasn't I a slut right from the start?

I think I have the answers, but I'm too scared to address them. People must've called me all these harsh things behind my back, but as I got higher up the popularity chain and lower in my standards; all of them started commenting openly. And a fallout with Sassy and her groups was exactly what fuelled the fire. And then, the break up with Nathan was the last straw.

It happened like a chain reaction, slowly but surely, with the help of catalysts, my destruction dawned with an explosion. And only ashes remain now.

I go to the bathroom to change once again. If I'm a whore, why not act like one? I change into a pair of pyjama shorts and a cotton crop top as I apply dark red lipstick. Shaking my hair open, I run my fingers through it.

Let's take shit completely down. There's only one way to deal with this, to become what people expect of me and keep them entertained. I can't be saved, I realize. What I need to learn is to breathe while I'm drowning.

I take out another bottle of whiskey this time and walk down the stairs. I look in the mirror for one more time before shutting the door behind me. I even have the body of a slut, wow. Busty assets, tones legs, flat tummy and a gorgeous face. Even my voice sounds like a moan.

I walk into the kitchen to see a note pasted on the fridge.

Attending a wedding. Ordered your favourite pineapple pizza for you. It'll come at around 9. Love you.

Dad's handwriting. I snatch the sticky note off the fridge and tear it. Shoving the paper pieces down the dustbin, I try not to think about the fact that it's been years since I stopped eating pineapple pizza.

I lie down on the sofa and scroll through my phone. The hate is still pouring in, though not as much as it was in morning. I avoid reading any of them. Good thing, it gave me a popularity boost. I now have eleven thousand followers on Instagram, fifteen thousand friends on Facebook and ten thousand followers on Twitter.

I tilt my head back and take a sip out of the whiskey bottle. My phone rings at that moment and I make a mistake when I answer without checking who's the caller. A big mistake.

"Hey Lisa." Nathan's voice flows through the phone. His words which I loved to hear whispering in my ear in the late hours of night, now feel like they're sucking the blood out of me. It looks like he's in some club or between an audience. The crowd seemed to cheer some more when I picked up the phone. Without a doubt, I know he's in a party and that he's kept the phone on speaker mode. That fucking bastard.

"What do you want?" I grit my teeth. I'm not cutting the phone off. I'll deal with him and show him his place. My dad didn't teach me to back off.

"I would've said I want you. But you're second hand now. Not even second hand, let's say what? Fiftieth hand?" He snickers in that evil way of his and the people around him laugh some more.

"That's none of your fucking problem. Don't forget, you're the same too. God knows what all places your dick has been."

There is silence and when I hear Nathan's voice next, I feel an edge to it.
"Darling, you know you shouldn't throw muck at people when you're deep in shit."

"Stop with the fucking philosophy. Is this what you called me for? If yes, I told you, I'm done with you."

Nathan smirks. "You know what Melissa? I forgive you. Just don't wag that tongue in front of me. Put it to good use, you know what I mean yeah? Don't forget, you're a slut and you will be, don't try to pretend to be a good girl. We all know what you are. Another random whore." He cuts the phone before I can say anything else.

Everyone heard that conversation. They'll talk about me.

I wonder what it'll be like to get lost. Walking into the kitchen, I think of how people will react if I went missing. Not for a day, not for a week, but forever.

But then I realize, I've been astray for too long. I'm already lost and I can't seem to find myself. I'm not even sure if I want to.

I'm done. But they, the monsters of my past, they're not done with me yet.

I sit down on the kitchen floor as I take out a knife from the drawer. I hold the black handle of the knife and stare at the silver, distorted reflection of my face on the blade. The light shines on it.

For once, no thoughts run through my mind. No feelings flow through my blood.

I place the blade's sharpest edge on my wrist and just when I'm about to swipe it, I hear someone's voice call out loud to me.

"Melissa!"

•••

Haha cliffhanger! Okay, so I read the comments on the last chapter. You guys are the best, I mean it. I just said that you all should stop telling me to update, but instead all of you wrote lovely comments. I love all of you, seriously. And for my amazing readers and followers and for the fact that I'll be hitting 10K followers soon, I'll be doing a little campaign for you all. Keep checking my wall for the next few days!
Love, Ramsha.