Astray

37

Skin on skin. Sweaty hands. Heavy breathing. Smoke. The burn in the throat. Sexy dresses. Red lipstick. Blurred vision.

That was what my life used to be. But now as I look around the room, things have changed. The ashtray in the bathroom has been replaced with flowers. The vodka bottles have been replaced with milk and fruit juice. My nails are no longer painted, the red streaks in my hair are already half way gone. My tattoos look less deadly and as I stare at my reflection, I don't feel afraid anymore. Afraid of the future, afraid of outcomes or consequences or afraid of myself.

I gulp as I stare at the place below the bathroom rack, where I used to store my drugs. There's nothing there. I didn't have anything to fill the space. It can stay empty for a while.

The truth is, everything and everyone is replaceable. The old life I let go of, doesn't haunt me anymore because there are now better things to look forward to. There will be new addictions, fresh obsessions; but what is gone will be gone forever, buried somewhere in the shackles of time. And although it is scary to hear that what's gone forever will not come back, it's soothing because all the things I let go of, I don't even want them back. They're better gone.

Do I miss myself? No. I'm glad I lost who I used to be. The alcohol, drugs and all the darkness calls me sometimes, but I don't have the time to respond to it. Because I have something else to look forward to.

That's the beauty of life, maybe. To always have something to look forward to. Hope. The moment we feel, nothing is worth living for, that is the moment we accept defeat. And I was never thought how to be a quitter.

My phone pings.

Albert: I'm here.

I think I felt some butterflies. Albert is that one guy who makes me feel all giddy without even touching me. I wonder what'll happen once he does. I tighten the scarf around my neck and rush down the staircase. I ignore dad and Maria as I rush past the kitchen. Not like they care.

And there he is. Looking at the trees in our backyard. Probably calculating their age. I smile and creep up on him from behind.

"Melissa." He exclaims, half surprise, half glee as he turns to look at me. He is as warm as honey. I don't waste time and instead press my lips to his. God, I don't think I'm getting over this anytime soon.

He is the one to pull away first. "You taste like love, Albert Port."
"You know what love tastes like?"
"I think now I do."

"I don't think what we just did was a nice idea."
"And why is that?"
"Is that your dad? I feel like he watched us the whole time." He says and I turn around.

The expression on my father's face is impassive. Blank. I like his anger more than this unpredictability. He stares at me for a few more seconds and walks away.

"Does he not like me?" Albert asks as we start walking out of the gate.
"I don't know. But once he meets you, he will. It's hard not to like you, Albert, you're practically perfect. You're ambitious, intelligent and have the best of futures ahead. Any dad would feel proud to have you as his son in law."

The gates open and we slip out of the comfort zone, that is my house, on to the streets.
"I'm not that perfect, Mel. One reason your dad could not like me is because well, let's be honest, the financial gap between our families." He says.

"Oh rubbish. What if you don't have enough now, you're going places, Albert. I have enough faith in your abilities. Also, I'm not with you for money. You won't ever have to provide for me. Now give me another reason?"

"There's this thing called economic status as well, Mel. Anyways, another reason could be that I am very difficult to love. When I'm in a relationship, it's much more than just mutual attraction or liking. I see potential in us. My girlfriend is not just my girlfriend, she's my best friend, my backbone and my moral support. You get it? I'm serious with you, Melissa."

I look up at him, his black eyes twinkling and his cheeks flushed. His bag up on his back while mine dangles near my waist. Despite whatever he says, he is perfect.

We're walking to school and I guess that's how it is going to be from now on. The most luxurious travelling Albert will prefer is probably the bus. I wonder how it is possible for someone to walk thirty minutes, which is the distance from his house to the school, everyday. I don't mind, as long as we get time to spend with each other and whisper sweet nothings in the alleys.

"If I could, I'd kiss you senseless right now." I say as I curl up closer next to him and place my head on his shoulder.

"What's stopping you then?" He asks.
I smile and bite my lip. And then he stops. I stop too and cup his cheek and right there, under the single pine tree in this town, I kiss him.

For a moment, his lips are tainted with alcohol, his breath smells of cocaine. The bright air around us turns to fog and I think I felt his arm groping my bottom.

But then, all that is gone and I feel Albert's hands on my waist, and nowhere else. I feel safe, protected, wanted. That is when I smile. He smiles too. The rest of the world is passing away in a blur around us and here we are, without a care, truly young and free. And I wouldn't change a single thing about how I feel right now.

•••

This book is honestly taking so long for me to complete. What do you think will happen after this? Feel free to share your theories!