Astray

21

Gracie has come quite a few times to my room ever since we've been friends. But she looks as awkward as ever as she settles down on my black satin bedsheet.

Honestly, it shouldn't surprise me. The fact that Gracie knows about me. I'm not being arrogant, but everyone knew me. Melissa Richards was the queen of the high school heirarchy. It would've come out some day.

"What's been happening Melissa?" Gracie asks as she finally leans back on my headrest.

I take a deep breathe. "Honestly Gracie? It's high time you know. I haven't been telling you anything because I've been afraid that you'll run away. You're someone I want to stay close to. After losing almost everything I've ever had, I don't want to lose a person I care about before even getting her. You probably won't stay after hearing this-"

She opens her mouth to say something but I hold up a hand. I'm not going to stop now.

"Even I wouldn't. I can't even stay with myself, why would anyone else? I know I am not the kind of person you're used to, but I really want to get used to you. I don't expect you to stick back my broken pieces or shit like that, I just want to be your friend. You told me you haven't heard about me but I'm pretty sure you know at least something. Nasty stuff. Bitchy gossip. Most of it is true.

But Gracie, I've never ever had a true friend. I thought I did. I thought people you click selfies with and go clubbing with are friends. I'm not asking you to pity me and be with me, I'm telling you all this because I feel I can tell you all this without getting judged.

No one among my friends knew about my personal life apart from Sassy and Roland. But what did she do? She blew up all of my dignity, exposed all of my secrets I'd hidden deep in my heart. And Roland, he didn't do anything to help me. He is just a friend, but I swear he broke my heart when he did nothing.

Yes, it's true. My mother left me and my father when I was fourteen. My dad is screwing his secretary? That's true too. Maria, the perfect lady who likes you so much, she's the one. Even my dad chose her over me.

I slept with a of guys. I dress in a very revealing manner. I go to parties and don't care about morals. I have consumed drugs at times and I drink a lot. I always have a cigarette in my bag and I have three tattoos. I've been a bitch and my grades aren't excellent. But this is the way I am. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to change myself. But it's not easy, it's not fucking easy to let go of the person you've been from day one. Out of all the things in the world that are difficult, the one thing that surpasses all that is turning over a new leaf.

But you know what? I'm not someone who gives up easily. I'm gonna keep trying. I just need time, which is exactly what I'm not getting. People keep screwing around with me. I want to feel okay again. I want to be respected, to be cherished. I want to feel loved Gracie, is it too much to ask for?"

I wipe my cheeks with my palms as the tears furiously flow. My voice cracks at the end as I sit there, letting them flow. I would've never cried in front of anyone. Am I even becoming weak now? Oh God.

I cover my face with my hands as to avoid showing her my red eyes and soggy face. A moment or two passes when I feel the bed in front of me press down with weight.

I look up to see Gracie holding out a tissue as she stares at me. In her eyes, there is no pity, sympathy or judgement. She just looks at me like a friend would. Like no one else does.

"I don't want it." I sniff.
Her expression does not change as she throws away the tissue to the side. I lick my parched lips and fold my hands in my lap when I feel Gracie leaning forward and slipping her hands behind my back.

It is my turn to stiffen now. She rubs my back soothingly, providing comfort even in her awkwardness. I hug her too, holding her tight.

"Someday, you will leave this place. You'll leave behind all of this and move on, find new people and go on new adventures. You'll fall in love and have someone fall for you. You'll lose yourself again and again, only to find yourself some place else, somewhere you didn't bother to look. You'll fill your soul with little experiences. You'll be unbreakable Melissa. Wait for it, the day might be far away, but it will come." She whispers into my hair.

I hug her tighter and she sighs. When she pulls away, her face is a mixture of so many emotions, I can't name them. As she turns away and starts talking about Singapore like nothing happened between us, I listen to her going on happily. I found a friend, in the most unexpected of places.

•••

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" I say on the phone as I wear a jacket to cover my arms. Grace is on the other side, shouting at me because I'm too late for school. It's Monday, I say. I hate that excuse, she says.

I keep the phone and run out to my car. I throw my bag on to the passenger seat and get into the driver's seat. Hitting the accelerator, I drive out of the gate.

That day after the incident with Gracie, we talked. About insecurities, broken dreams and ambitions. That's when I felt a click with her. Connections, after all, aren't formed due to common interests or mutual friends. They're formed due to shared fears and deep conversations.

I hopped out of my car when I parked in school. Just when I think I'm in a good mood, I clash with someone near the gate.