Astray

35

Things get hazier as we grow up.

We think everything will start making sense after a while and life won't be so confusing anymore. But it doesn't happen like that. Things get even more blurry and you are reminded of the days when they were much simpler.

And then people like me, we try to drown ourselves in drugs because they give us a chance to run away.

Truth is, we're all looking for an escape.

We're looking for a chance to turn our face away from things we know we can't deal with. We teenagers, we acta as if we're sorry damn mature and can handle almost anything, without realizing that we're still kids. Kids in this big wide world, looking for an outlet.

Some people read to fiction to escape the world. They lose themselves to books. Some work so hard, study so much, they don't remember reality. Some indulge in art; painting, singing, dancing, writing away. While the more destructive of us take drugs and look for something to get addicted to.

Addiction is addictive. It is an obsession, a sweet, slow poison running through your veins. You know it's going to kill you but you let it happen because it's not going to kill you so soon. In these times where everything is fast paced, we enjoy death when it comes to us slowly. Oh, life.

Similarly, Albert is running away from his feelings. At least, this is what I think. He dissolves into theorems and Chemistry practicals just the way I let weed consume me. That's his drug, his ticket out of the world. Good part is, he has feelings for me. Definitely. Even if they're twisted and weird. The sad part is, he doesn't want them and will do anything to get rid of them.

I realize this as I sit in the cafeteria, staring into the distance. It's been a week since Albert has been ignoring me. Chemistry class was cancelled as sir was ill and I had literally no chance to confront him. Roland has become almost as close to me as he was earlier and when it's only when I am with him, that I don't think of Albert so much.

"Do we have to sit here?" Grace fidgets besides me.
"Is there a problem?" I ask her, shaken out of my reverie.

"Roland is your friend Mel, not mine. I feel like I'm third wheeling. He'll only talk to you." She almost pleads.
"Oh don't worry, he's nice. A sweetheart, in fact. Why wouldn't he talk to you?" I say as I look at him, getting food for us.

"I saw how nice he is. He has eyes only for you! It's not like I'm complaining or that I want his attention, but I feel like a fool just looking at your faces and not being a part of the conversation."

Well, what she said is kind of true. Unlike other friends of mine, Roland is a bit reserved. He doesn't talk much to people he doesn't know and tends to just block them out when there are other people he knows. He's not mean, just a tad bit shut off.

"Gracie, I-" I start to say but then Rol comes back, with someone else in tow.

"Hi Alastair." I say as I look at him carrying a tray of food in his hands as Roland already has two.

Gracie shifts in her seat and I looks down, suddenly looking uncomfortable. And then I notice her stealing glances at Alastair, who is looking at her unabashedly. Do they have a thing?

"I got food for you too Gracie." Roland says as he slips the two trays in front of us. Taking his own food from Alastair's hands, he sits down.

"You wanna join us mate?" Roland asks Alastair who is now looking shifty too,
"Nah, you guys carry on. I'm off with Stuart and Sassy." He says and starts to walk away, not before looking at Grace once. Weirdo.

"See, Rol is nice." I say as I push Gracie's tray in front of her.
"I didn't say he's bad." She says defensively as she looks at him.
Roland just smiles and starts to eat food.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I want Albert to see us. To see that I am happy with someone else and that if he leaves me, I won't be alone. But then it's better if he doesn't. Because I'll feel like a slut whose whoring around with another guy because she couldn't get one. God, I hate myself.

After the bell rings, Roland offers to drop me to class but the boys pull him away for football practise. As I walk back with Grace, she reminds of the project we have to submit next week.

"Shit, do you have the book they asked us to refer?"
"I borrowed it from the library. They'll have it there, for sure."

"I'll quickly go and get it then. You go to class, I'll come in five." I say and rush towards the library.

Once I'm inside, I go towards the back, looking for the Psychology theory books. Once I reach the section, I blow off some of the dust settled on the books no one comes to look at. Maybe like these books, human hearts get covered with cobwebs too when no one looks after them. Wow, I'm getting deep in here.

There's no one except for peace and quiet and sunlight pouring in through the spaces between the books from the window behind the shelf. This is such a lovely corner. I rummage through the titles when someone holds me from behind.

That person flips me around and pushes me against the shelf. I don't shout, I don't react violently, the touch feels very similar. And when warms lips touch mine, I know who it is.

I've kissed him only once, but I very well know the crevices and corners of his lips. The press, the feel, the fireworks at the back of my head. Sure, I've been kissed, by guys hotter than him, but he just feels so right.

His hands run along my arms while I hold on to his shoulders. And it feels like time has stopped. And after what feels like an eternity, he pulls away, haggard and breathing hard.

"Be my girlfriend, Melissa." Albert says.