Astray

33

The kiss tasted like sin.

My lips have felt several other lips before. Some I've fallen in love with, some are drunk memories of forgotten nights while some have been silly jokes. But this, this is something exquisite. Something so raw, passionate, unadulterated, that it feels like it was tailor made for me.

Albert presses up against the book shelf, stiff. The kiss lasts for six seconds mostly, because Albert doesn't reciprocate. I don't mind it, his lips feel warm and mushy and so completely right.

I open my eyes and come back to where I was. Albert's eyes are still closed. He looks shaken, like he's recovering from some sort of trance. And when he finally opens his eyes, they're guarded.

"We can't do this." He says firmly, like he was preparing to say this for the past few minutes and has learned the dialogue he's going to present.

"What?" I'm pretty sure he is joking.
"We can't do this, Melissa." He repeats.
"Do what?"
"Kiss. Flirt. Act like a couple."
"Why?"
"Because we're not."

I shake my head, not knowing where he's going with this. And I'm not sure if I want to, because things seem to be going downhill.
"But, but we like each other, right? We belong to each other? And if you want, I can be your girlfriend."
There, I said it. I begin to panic, feeling like Albert is slipping out of my fingers.

"No, Melissa, this isn't right. I need to leave." He avoids my gaze and starts walking away, when I hold his hand and move in front of him, blocking his way.

"Why? We were fine, right? Okay, I won't kiss you again, but we'll still be the way we were right?" I cup his cheek, almost desperate to make him stay.

"Melissa, you need to understand that we can't do this anymore." He states.
"Why the fuck not?" I stamp my foot, annoyed now. "What is the reason? It's not like we're doing anything wrong!"

"This, what we're doing right now, will end up hurting us further. It will break both of us down so bad, we won't be able to join ourselves. Let's save our hearts Melissa, we're not for each other." He explains and starts to move away.

"Then were you lying all this time? All the moments between us, all the things you told me, all the times you made me feel good about myself; was that a lie? Has it always been just fun for you?" I ask him, feeling like someone has applied salt on my already battered wounds.

"You know those were some of the sincerest moments of my life. I meant everything I ever told you, every moment I spent with you. I just realized, this is not meant to be." He says, looking pained.

He looks truthful, somewhere deep inside, I know he won't ever hurt me on purpose.

"I don't understand." I say, voice quivering.
"Let's break contact with each other. Let's let each other go." He says, the light entering from the window opening creating a reflection on his specs, not letting me read his eyes. But I know what I'll see in them. Something that I don't want to. He starts to walk away.

"Albert?"
"Yes?" He stops for a moment, not turning around.
"Stay. Please."
"I'm sorry, Mel, I'm sorry."

And with that, he's gone, taking away with him, a part of my heart.

•••

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

I play with my pen as I sit in the class, not really paying attention. My mind hasn't been in one place ever since the incident happened with Albert. Even though the taste of his lips still lingers on mine, my heart hasn't been able to register the pain.

Have I lost him? I don't want to. The feeling of rejection stings too. Never has a guy ever said no to me. It is usually the other way round. And yet, here I am, troubled over a boy leaving me.

But Albert Port is not just another guy. I really like him. He is the kind I'd date in this situation of mine. At a time when I hate everyone, I'm ready to fall in love with him.

I thought he likes me too. He does, doesn't he? He wouldn't have ever gotten so close to me then. What if Sassy was right? What if he just wanted to use me or treat me like some charity case? Then me kissing him would just have served his purpose. Ugh. I just don't undersand him. He is the only person who confuses me beyond belief.

The bell rings and I gather my belongings and start to get up. As I leave the class, I see Roland standing a few metres away from the door. It looks like it's been a while since he's been standing there.

"Lisa." He straightens up when he sees me. His voice sounds like something I'd forgotten has graced my doorstep again. But does everything that come back is meant to be kept?

"Roland." I stop. Maybe, he deserves a chance too. And Albert leaving makes me realize this.

"I'm not good with speaking and you know how much I suck at expression, but this letter;" he points at a piece of paper in his hands, "this letter will tell you everything I need you to know. Go home and read it, peacefully." He says as he scratches his head awkwardly.

I stare at the paper and slowly, take it from his hands.
"You accept this?" He asks, surprised.
"Everyone deserves a chance, even if they aren't worthy of it. You do, too. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I say and inch away from him.

"Melissa." He screams after I'm already halfway through the corridor.
"What?" I yell back.
"Will you be my friend?" He asks with that charming smile of his, a twinkle in his eye and all of a sudden, I am reminded of the friendship we had.

"Let me think about it." I wink at him and smile, despite my best efforts not to.

•••

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