Dear -
I just found out you died today. It's 10:21 and I was doing the laundry,folding clothes was going smoothly until my mom came in the room with the newspaper from my grandma. Your picture was there,an old picture I've never seen of you but I could recognize your face anywhere.
10pm doing laundry and then I find out your dead,gone from this world. We no longer breathe the same air,no longer see the same moon that comes out at night.
I was doing laundry...and you had died. Isn't that weird to think? Maybe I was folding socks while you were taking your last breath. Kinda funny,when you think about it.
Apparently,you were at a bar. Not exactly my choice of where I'd step in last but hey,you were always different than I was. You liked to drink and party so maybe,in some way,this was what you wanted.
I guess there was some argument,lord only knows what it was about. I'd like to think it was something worth dying for,maybe you stepped in to save some girl from being abused by her drunk boyfriend. But in reality it could have been over a chair. Drunk people can fight over anything,you know that.
Being the hero you always were,saving the lost souls that couldn't find their way, you stepped in and I guess you missed the knife the guy had. I'm guessing it was a guy,maybe it was a girl. Who knows,you can't tell me so I'll never know for sure.
The paper didn't say but my grandma heard around that he got you right in the heart,no misses. "Gone in seconds" is apparently what she heard,she told my mother and I heard this through the wall. She never would have told me face to face.
It got me thinking though.
I kinda hope it was instant. I kinda hope he got you right in the heart so that way you didn't have any pain,quicker than falling asleep or so they say dying is like. I wish you could tell me if that's how it felt. I'm gonna sound like a bitch,but part of me hopes it wasn't instant. Part of me hopes he missed and you felt something,felt something even if it was pain cause feeling was never your forte.
You hated feeling. Good or bad,you hated it. You'd rather drink and stay doped up higher than the clouds than ever feel anything. So as bad as I sound,parts of me hope it wasn't instant. I kinda hope you felt pain,at least a little so you know why I used to cry when I was hurt.
I'm sitting in my car right now,wondering. What was the last thing you thought of? Did you think of your little sister? How's she's gonna be so happy when she hears you're gone cause she always hated you? Did you think of your grandma,who always used to say going out would kill you one day? Did you think of your cat and much pain she was in when she died that summer cause your neighbor ran her over? Did you think of our fourth grade teacher who said you'd have a bright future cause of how smart you were?
Did you think of me? Did you think of our talks between the fence at night or the pool in my backyard we used to swim in? Did you think about how jealous your brother would be when I spoke to you and not him? Did you think about that night where your mom said she could picture us getting married and you pushed me and said I was gross? Did you think about when I moved you were the only one who didn't say goodbye? How you chose to roller skate around with the slutty girl on the block who had a voice like a man rather than say goodbye to me?
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die and I can't tell you how badly I hoped I was in yours. Even if it was just for a second,I hope my face or laugh or something that reminded you of me flashed through your mind before you went. I know you'll flash through mine when I go.
You wanna know a funny secret? Your dad called my dad once while we were shopping. He was drunk and my father was annoyed but that's the kind of friendship we all had,your family annoyed us but we loved you.
