Destiny ~ Book Two Of The "Meant to Be" Series

Chapter 27

I'm not allowed to leave the hospital for one more week. I can't wait that long. I told Eric I'd be at the park tonight. Nothing's gonna stop me from going. I have to sneak out. I told Tobias to wait for me at the hospital parking lot. He's already there, waiting for me. At ten o'clock PM, workers switch, and get replaced with the ones that stay over night. The switch thing happens between five to seven minutes. I'll have to be quick and careful, so no one will notice I'm leaving. If they notice I'm gone after I leave, then that's not my problem. I'll probably be dead by then.
  I obviously didn't tell Tobias Im surrendering myself to get Olivia back. I told him that staying in the hospital reminds me of Mason, and all the times we've been at the hospital. I told him I felt suicidal again, and that I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I do feel suicidal though, and this place brings back the worst memories I've had, so none of what I told him was a lie. When Mason's face comes to my mind, I want to stab myself repeatedly with a knife. I took his life away, for the smallest mistake (literally throwing pillows towards the fireplace because I couldn't control my anger issues).
   Tobias and I both know I miss Mason, and I would do anything to bring him back to life, even if it meant giving mine instead. I miss him and I don't deny it. Tobias probably feels bad that I still care about my ex boyfriend, but I honestly don't care. While he was doing whatever what, and I was cutting the blood out of my veins, Mason was the only one who was there for me. He was the one who loved me when I couldn't even love myself. The one who came to help when everyone hated me. I loved him, honestly. He deserved way more of what he got in life, and it's all my fault he didn't.
    I ruined his life. Not just his. His family's too. They'll forever live in pain, being reminded of Mason's death every single day.
    I deserve to die. I've ruined everyone's life. Mason's, Tobias', Olivia's, my friend's, family's. I hate myself. The more I think of this, the more I realize how much I want to die. To be free of this living pain inside of me. Of how great it would feel to not have any worries, or not feel nothing at all. Feelingless and emotionless. No one to break, nothing to ruin
    My end is coming soon, so I don't want to keep overthinking all these horrible memories and make them my last thoughts. I want to spend this time with Tobias, which has been trusting me more than I'd expect anyone to. He trusts me, and he hasn't called any detective, or the police, so they can search for Olivia. He believes in me, and he knows I'l never lie to him. Knowing how much he trusts me really surprises me, because honestly I would never have such trust if my siblings life was in danger. But he knows I'm doing my best on keeping everyone around me safe, and he knows I,ll do whatever is possible to take Olivia back. He knows I want to see Olivia again as much as he does. And he knows I'm right for not telling him all the information he should know, but is not allowed to.
   I check the clock, nervously tapping my foot on the floor. I'm scared. Scared of in what condition I'll see Olivia. Scared of what might go through Tobias' head when he sees I'm gone. Scared of what waits for me when Eric takes me.
    What will he do with/to me? What did he do to Olivia?
I wish that Eric's death will be painful and torturous. He deserves to feel the slightest pain.
I look at the clock. It's time for me to get out of here. Tobias brought me some of my clothes so I could causally walk out and no one'll notice. I clear my throat and walk towards the door, opening it and stepping outside. I let my hair cover my fave a bit, so no one will recognize me. I walk slowly, trying not to make anyone suspicious, and I make it to the front door. After the automatic door closes, I start running as fast as I can to where I see Tobias' car parked. I need to keep my left arm still though, so my injury won't hurt. It's hard not to move your arms while you're running.
Tobias is inside the car, and he reaches to open the car door to the front seat. He gets it open and I jump inside, panting. I close the door, and look at him. "Did anyone notice?" Asks Tobias. I shake my head. "Are you sure you don't need an extra night here?" He asks referring to the hospital. I shake my head again.
"Yes," I say putting my seatbelt, "if I stay here any longer I am going to lose my mind." I force my voice to break slightly. I feel like all the lies I've managed to tell people, have made me a batter actress. I can make someone think anything, by not even trying. He nods once and starts driving. He holds my hand in his, and with the other one he keeps control of the steering wheel. I close my eyes, to keep Tobias from seeing the tears built up in them. My heart beat fastens. Sweat builds up in my hairline and the back of my neck. I don't know what's happening. Is this one of my mental break downs? It feels similar to the one I had last year, when Tobias broke up with me. When I got bullied, and I felt like death was he only way to avoid problems, and in a way; I still do.
    I can't fight my tears anymore. I can't keep my sobs in the back of my throat. I can't do anything anymore. I pull my hand back and cover my face with both hands as I let out a sob. Tobias turns his head towards me. The speed of the car slows down and he parks the car. I bring my knees up to my chest, continuing my cries.
     Tobias doesn't know what to say. He unbuckles his seatbelt and pushes his seat back, so the gal between him and the steering wheel is wider. He puts his hand under my thighs and the other one on my back, picking me up and sitting me on his lap. He wraps his arms around me. I cry louder. My hands still cover my face, leaning my head on his shoulder. He holds me for a while. Not saying anything. Just hugging me. Trying to calm me down, when it should be other way around.
    "Tobias," I blubber, my shoulders shaking. "I am so sorry." I manage to say between stutters and sobs. He hushes me and strokes my hair to calm me down. I sniffle, pulling back and wiping my tears, which are soon to be replaced with fresh ones. I look into his eyes. They glisten with tears as well, and tear drops stain his cheeks. "Sometimes I wish . . . I wish I hadn't moved in with my aunt here in Chicago . . ." He stares at me. That's the only thing he does. "I've destroyed so many lives, so many people. Created un-healable scars to the people I love the most . . . I don't want to live anymore, I'm sorry. I've been avoiding this conversation for so long, and I've been denying he thought in my head for so long, but I just can't anymore. I can't live with all this pain, knowing the amount of lives I've ruined. I want it all to stop. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to die!" He hushes me, holding my wrists and taking them away from my face. I can't open my eyes. I don't dare to look at him. He wipes my tears with his thumbs and cups my face in his hands.
     "Tris," his voice is unsteady and full of fear. I demand myself to look at him, stare at his ocean eyes. "You're the only thing I have left. You're the only spark of hope that keeps me going. We will get Olivia back somehow, arrest the people that took her, and I promise you that everything will go back to normal. I promise you will be happy again. I promise I will do my best to make you smile. I give you my word for it. Please hang on a little longer. Try to find your happy place. You are only seventeen now; you have your whole life ahead of you. It isn't worth it to take your life away. Whatever is happening will get better soon, and it will be great in the end." His soothing voice calms me. He leans his head and brushes his lips against mine, kissing me. Every time I cry, or I'm feeling down, he always kisses me. He does it because he knows it'll make my thoughts drift away, and it might make me forget about all the problems going on around me.
   I pull back. "I wanna go home." I say quietly, trying to keep tears from building in my eyes again. This conversation isn't making me feel any better. All these promises and confessions just make me guiltier and hate myself more. It's better not to think of it at all. When you overthink something, you might convince yourself that white is black. The mind of a human being's a lot more powerful than we think. It can make is believe anything if we put too much thought into it. It can make us hate ourselves. Love our enemies. It can make us believe everything that is wrong. This time, it's making me feel the most painful feeling of them all: guilt.