Destiny ~ Book Two Of The "Meant to Be" Series

Chapter 20

"Let's just go to bed, guys. We're all exhausted." Will whines. A few of us nod, and a few yawn in response. "Y'all know the rooms you'll be sleeping in, right?" He asks. We've done a lot of sleepovers, and they've done even more while I was in LA, so we all have our usual spots. Im guessing Nita will be sleeping in the couch with Dylan.
I look over at Tobias. We still haven't talked since truth or dare, and we kept our distance to let one another cool down (mostly me . . . I was the one filled with anger). He sits across from me, staring at me dead in the eyes. He stares at me in awe and regret. Im gonna have to sleep next to him, in the room that is known as his. Im still mad at him, though being next to him makes all my worries fly away, but if we sleep in the same room, Im scared I'll strangle him to death while Im sleeping. He stands up and comes over, sitting next to me, letting out a sigh. I stare at the ground and so does he. The others start going to their usual rooms, that they share with their boyfriends.
"I'll sleep on the floor, if you want me to . . ." That's the first thing he said to me after he took off the goddamn jacket. "Or, I can sleep on Zeke's floor if you're really pissed at me . . ." He offers, making me want to laugh, but I keep it in. I close my eyes, shaking my head.
"It's fine." I say, even though it's not. If we're gonna have a talk about him keeping secrets, then we should talk about it when we get home, not here. Besides, I've kept a few secrets from him as well. "I don't mind." I say standing up and leaving to the room we'll be spending the night. From my backpack, I get my nightdress, replacing my uncomfortable clothes with the loose dress. When Im finished brushing my teeth, Tobias comes in the room. God, I wish I could slap that guilty look off his face, so he would stop reminding me that he's keeping secrets. I lay on the bed, sliding under the covers, facing Tobias my back. He lies next to me, wrapping an arm around my chest and breathing warmly against my neck.
I want to push him away, but I want to be next to him as well. Right now Im going through the cliché feeling 'I hate you, but I still love you' faze. Though for me it is 'I feel like slapping the life out of you, but I still want to kiss you'.
"I want to go home early. I don't think I can continue pretending Im the happy girl with the perfect relationship for anymore longer." I say truthfully. He nods.
"We'll leave as soon as we wake up then." He says. I know he's scared, because he knows I will mention him keeping secrets from me, snd he knows we will fight, and he knows he will have to tell me sooner or later.
   I try to sleep, but I can't. No matter how tired I am, or how my eyelids feel like bricks, covering my eyes, I still can not sleep. "Are you still awake?" I ask Tobias after several minutes, maybe even an hour of trying to sleep. There is no response at first, but then he nods against my neck, sighing. I turn around, laying on my right shoulder, facing and looking at him. He's sleepier than I am, and Im guessing if I hadn't asked if he's awake, he would probably be sleeping by now. He keeps his eyes closed and he breaths calmly, though I know he's awake. His hand lays next to my pillow, and I place my hand on top of it, tangling our fingers. His eyes flutter open, like the touch of our hands gave him energy or life. He stares at me dead in the eyes. Its so dark, nothing is visible except his eyes. I start thinking they're actually glowing. He has a small smile. The way he stares at me makes me feel so goddamn special. My cheeks redden, blushing as I smile.
     "I love you so much, you know that?" He whispers, making me smile wider. I close my eyes.
     "I know" I say and cuddle up closer to him, my arms are tucked against his chest while his arms hold me tight behind my back. His chin rests on the top of my head, deep breaths, steady heartbeats.
    I feel like nothing matters in this moment. Its just me and him, no one else. The love I have for him is unconditional, and I'll never stop loving him, no matter how much we fight or argue. He's mine in every way possible. There's no way we could do anything without each other.
    My pillow feels uncomfortable, so I slightly sit up, puffing it lightly. Tobias seems to worry a bit, as he glares under my pillow. "I know you have a diary hidden there." I say, knowing why he got all awkward and worried. He looks up to me, furrowing his eyebrows.
     "You've read it?" He asks, trying to keep a calm voice. I shake my head, holding his hand, so he knows Im telling the truth, placing it on top of where my heart is, staring into his eyes.
     "You really think I would do that?" I ask and he sighs, shaking his head, covering his face with his hands and sighing. I cuddle next to him again. "That time your father came to pick you up when we were having a sleepover . . . Me and Al were supposed to spend the night together. While I was in the bathroom, he read your diary out loud . . ." He never heard this story before. No one told it to him anyways. "The next day he told everyone about your dad . . . He then blamed me, like I was the one who spread the secret . . ." Knowing that Tobias still might think I told everyone about his father, kills me. I still can not understand how he would believe for one second that I told the whole school about his deepest secret. It hurts more than you could imagine.
    Neither of us like to be reminded of the past.
It reminds me of how everybody hated me, that Tobias broke up with me, and that I tried to kill myself.
It reminds him of how he left me, how he had the heart to believe I would do such a thing, it reminds hi, of the monster that abused him him every single day.
    That's why we choose not to think of the past. Those were dark times, I would like to erase from my mind. Memories I could live without. Memories that wouldn't leave scars.
   A while ago, when the bullying started, I cut my wrists. Those are the times I regret and hate the most. Every time I think of those times, I feel the smell of blood, the taste of tears. It's weird; when you are used to being sad, you don't notice it anymore. The tears that stain your cheeks don't worry you like they should. High pitched screams and criticizing yourself becomes an everyday thing. Every time I wear sleeveless shirts, dresses, or anything else that makes my bare arms visible, you can see the marks of my cuts. They never go away. No matter how much my skin heals, the memories still burn inside my mind. Since last year when the bullying started, I've never felt the same, no matter how much I've tried to hide it, how much I've tried to lie to myself that Im happy and have everything I need for a happy life. And I do, trust me I do. I have a loving boyfriend, his sister that I consider as my own sister, or even child, a great house, money and amazing friends. But the memories have left me broken, there's no way I can be the same happy, bright-smiled Tris I used to be.
    I haven't noticed, but Im crying. Im not sure where the tears came from, or even when. I quietly let a few sobs against Tobias' shirt, making my sobs muffled so the others won't hear me crying in the middle of the night. My hand tugs Tobias shoulder hard as I continue my breakdown. He just hold me tight, doesn't ask about it and Im glad he doesn't. If he did, Im not sure how I would answer anyways.
    He hushes me, repeating "I love you," quietly in my ear, holding me tight, like he'll never leave me. While he strokes my hair and whispers comforting things in my ear, I fall asleep in his strong arms.