12|| overthinking
I woke up to shawn dropping a shoe box as he searched the top shelf for a pair. he sighed in frustration lifting the lids only to close each he peeked inside of.
I sat up and watched him while rubbing my temples. he shut the closet door, then walking over to the black vans he seemed to always wear. by the time he shoved the last foot in he took notice of my consciousness and smiled weakly.
"hey."
the bed creaked as he sat at the end of it to tie his shoes. I didn't say a word, just sat there in silence as I thought about last night and how Shawn may think of me after my emotional breakdown. parents fight all the time. maybe even his, but here I sat in his bedroom beneath his covers with his him scented sweatshirt and mascara stained cheeks.
I looked over at the clock and noticed I had little time to get ready for school.
I was confused as to how I'd get there on time after walking all the way back home to get ready. as if he could hear my thoughts and sense my worries, shawn spoke up as he now slipped on a flannel.
"i'm taking you back home so you can get ready for school then i'll drive us there."
with a nod I untangled myself from his sheets and stood up, tugging the sweatshirt down self consciously. he caught onto this, his eyes wandering around the room and never landing back on me while he sat back down on the bed and began waiting.
"do you have a bathroom?"
"sorry?"
"A bathroom." I said a bit louder.
"scar, everyone has a bathroom." he laughed and I scratched the back of my neck with my eyes glued to the ground in embarrassment.
"forget it." I mumbled, ready to walk out the door.
I felt a mess not just physically but mentally. that was a fucking pathetic question and I was beating myself up about it inside more and more every second that passed.
had I said this kind of thing back in his car on our way back to my place from the woods and gotten that kind of reaction, would I have felt this way?
probably not. I would have laughed with him. I was in a weak state and now walking down shawn's hallway then down his stairs. no one was home. I assumed they all had left already. his parents to work and sister to school, leaving us behind.
I sat on his front steps, waiting for him to come out. when he did he said nothing, just tapped my shoulder and walked ahead of me to his car.
shawn had dropped me off at my place and waited in the car while I got ready. when I got back in the drive to school was quiet. It wasn't a comfortable silence and it made me sad. I so very badly wanted to look over and tell him I was sorry. for showing up at his house late at night in tears and asking him if he had a bathroom then getting offended when he joked about it.
he didn't say a word and all I could think about is how I fucked the friendship we had up. shawn is the only person at school that bothered to get to know me after what I went through. to try and step into my world and see the girl that kept her head low at school everyday smile. here he was babysitting me and probably regretting ever getting involved.
I could feel the corner of my eyes swell up with tears as they stung, a single tear racing down my cheek, my hand quick to wipe it away. The second I made a noise shawn snapped his head towards me, a worried expression softening his face.
"scar?"
"i'm sorry. I know it was a joke and I shouldn't have just showed up like that. i'm sorry you—"
"stop."
"...had to take care of me." I went on. "I know you're upset."
"scar, i'm not upset. i'm tired." he chuckled.
"why are you laughing?" the sleeve to his hoodie I decided to wear again wiped at my cheeks as I looked at him completely puzzled.
"I was up all night watching you and making sure you were okay. " I could feel my whole body being taken over by chills and relief. "you kept tossing and turning. Even whined in your sleep."
he had just pulled up to the school parking lot and claimed his spot. after shutting the engine he turned to me fully now.
"don't apologize to me for any of that stuff. I'm here for you. so are my hoodies and shitty jokes that hurt your feelings."
"i'm so—" this time it was me cutting myself off. no more apologizing. "thank you."
"stop thinking so much."
he reached over and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me in for a comforting hug. Shawn made me feel better.
it wasn't just the hug and company. It was the fact he made me feel normal. he never asked too many questions or pressured me to tell him something I wasn't ready to and he always seemed to lighten the mood with his humor. he seemed to want to be around me.
after an emotional and messy night he still sat in his very own car with me in his passenger seat and arms.
