16 || regret
shawn was mad at me and it was obvious. after he dropped me off at my house i didn't hear from him for days. the reason why was clear to me after putting two and two together, but i always avoided thinking about it.
shawn can't like me. i'm not ready to be the person that someone else likes and wants to be with. i especially can't be the person that someone loves while i'm struggling to love myself.
he doesn't know me...I don't know me.
i'm angry at shawn, maybe even as angry as he is with me. things were going perfectly fine before he let his feelings get in the way of our friendship. that's what i needed from him, a friend. anything else after that would have had to come at a much later time.
i've never had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. everything feels so new to me everyday because almost everything is. becoming a teenager is what i consider the start of a person's lives. that's when most of us start experiencing different things and making memories that will last a lifetime.
ever since my brother died i've been behind in life. that was until i met shawn and started to feel alive. i felt like i was finally living, not just existing. it felt like the start– my start. even if it was just a small one.
that is also what's so confusing about this situation. shawn makes me feel all of these things, but i can't bring myself to say that i like him. should i like him? surely if i did, i would know.
then maybe i don't. and maybe he has every right to be angry with me. i don't feel what he feels, but i've probably given him reasons to make him like me.
did i lead shawn on?
my phone rang and i scrambled from the end of the bed where my head hung over the edge. hope ran through my trembling body as i reached for it and checked the name on the screen.
alexis
my heart sunk and i let out a sigh before answering the phone, trying not to sound too disappointed. "hey..!"
"what are you doing on thursday?"
"i don't think i'll be doing anything. homework i guess."
"good, sammy wants to give you another chance. i told him you and shawn are old news and he got so excited. don't tell him i told you that, though..."
"i didn't want another chance, alexis. i also didn't turn to you about shawn so you could spread it to sammy."
"were going to a college party. we can skip last period to buy something cute together, ttyl."
before i could even protest she hung up, leaving me to accept plans i couldn't argue out my way out of anyway. for a second i thought maybe this party wouldn't be such a bad idea, but every time i think so something bad happens.
i looked ahead of me and into my mirror with a sad look on my face. while biting down on my bottom lip i shook my head and laughed pathetically.
that isn't true.
a party was where i found shawn.
getting ready for another one was the day i ended up sleeping beside him in his hoodie.
parties always lead me to him. so, maybe this won't be a bad idea after all.
