Chased (BS#4)

Clarine

IT WAS one peaceful afternoon weekend. Maaliwalas ang panahon. Naglalakihang ulap ang nagkalat sa kalangitan ngunit naroroon pa rin ang haring araw na panaka-nakang nagtatago sa kaulapan.

Ilang araw na rin ang lumipas simula nang gabing magkasama sila ni Wolvin. Pagkatapos niyon ay hindi na muling nagkrus ang landas nila. There was one meeting where she hoped to see him but only someone in his company attended on his behalf.

Kahit si Teresse ay hindi pa niya muling nakikita. She said she had urgent assignments and was forced to go to site visits. Sinigurado naman nitong pagbalik nito ay agad siyang pupuntahan. She sounded a bit disappointed but was still jolly as they spoke.

Sa buong maghapon ay wala siyang ginawa kundi ang malunod sa kakaisip. She can't help but think about him and her own feelings. How she'd become selfish because she knew she still doesn't deserve him. She wanted to go back to his side but she also knew she can't do that.

He's moved on. And even if he didn't, can she really love him the right? Paano kung masaktan lang niya itong muli?

She isn't perfect. She gets scared too. Not for herself but for the people she cares for. She might not amount to anything worthy to be proud of, but she's trying so hard not to cause more mess to their lives.

Wanting not to hurt people will lead to leaving. Wanting to avoid failure will lead to not trying. She was so scared to fail the people around her that she's already stepping back even before anything happens. And if there's anything the consoled her lost troubled soul, it was the years of expeditions.

Now, even that can no longer soothe her pain and fears.

Alam niyang anuman ang gawin niya ay hindi siya magiging karapat-dapat ngunit mali ba na paminsan-minsan ay umasa siya?

Maybe she fell in love with the world because she can control her situations. She can decide where and when she can go. How and what to do. The power to decide comforted her. Made her believe that she is strong and safe because she can decide what she can only let in and straight up reject things she had no control over.

That's why his feelings troubled her. It stirred up emotions she thought was her own to decide. Only to be proved that she has no authority over it. Her feelings consumed her to bits. They were overwhelming and intense that it terrified her even more.

So she does what she think was best.

Push him away. Leave. Deny everything. Pretend.

It was only good for first few weeks. She can handle it. She can do it. She thought she can. That everything is slowly falling back to places. And it's all going smoothly back to how it should be.

Mapait siyang napangiti sa sarili.

Naputol ang pag-iisip niya nang marinig ang katok sa kanyang silid. Hindi siya bumangon at nanatili ang titig sa kisame. Muli niyang narinig ang katok sa kanyang pinto.

"Madam? Natutulog ho ba kayo? Si Sir Crocifico po kasi ay nasa ibaba at hinahanap kayo,"

Pumikit ng mariin si Clarine bago nagdesisyon nang bumangon. Whatever Crocif needed at this moment, she only hoped it's important. Lalo pa't naistorbo ang pinagmumunihan niya.

Pagkababa niya sa sala ay naabutan niya si Crocif na prenteng-prenteng nakaupo at nakakrus pa ang mga binti. Hindi nga lang rito nanatili ang mga mata niya. Tumutok ang tingin niya sa binatang agad ang pagtayo sa sofa nang tuluyan siyang makalapit.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Clarine.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, annoyed.

His lips parted to explain but Crocif cut him off. "He's been pleading to see you. I told him it's not a good time to talk to you but he insisted."