Denial

ch.21

I knew it was him. The smell of mint & burnt out cigarettes seemed to fill the small cracks through the slightly opened windows. Its a haunting smell. The smell I had so deeply fell in love with, is now just a reminder of how much I really don't deserve to be loved.

I know that I always told myself that I hated Harry, but I just said that to convince myself that I'm not in love with him & that his presence doesn't affect me; But that's not the case. With the time that I had to think about it, I'm hopelessly in love with him. He challenges me, let's me know the truth, shows me reality, is some of the things that only he has ever made me feel before. This is all so new to me, genuine feelings have never been something that really happened to me so I know this is real for me.

But after that night. The night I felt like I lost any sort of respect that I tried so much to withhold, shattered. As well as myself. That's why it affected me and that's why I need to cut off any sort of attraction towards Harry. He doesn't love me. He said it himself, he loves whoever this Kendall girl is and I'm just in the way. The way he got so upset and the anger and despise I could see reflecting from his eyes was evident. I need to let this go and start being independent.

Being the princess and being 21 has its cons, like having to get married before 30 and by the way my life is going, it looks like my mom will have the pleasure to pick out my suitor or as many may call him, the next King. So from now on, I'm done. I'm done looking for something/someone that doesn't exist, there is no such thing as a soulmate.

After gathering all my blabbering thoughts I took one huge breath and let it out before answering the door. Opening the door slowly, I start feeling very anxious and my brain starts to go blank.

"Yes?" I whisper out. Why did I do that? Fuck now he thinks I'm some weak little girl. Toughen out Scar.

"I- uh, I'm- damnit. Scarlett can I come in?" He stutters, clearly frustrated. I nod and open the door so his tall frame can make his way past. And that's when it hits me, the mint and cigarettes. I go to close the door and I turn around to find him looking around and taking interest in the furniture.

"Haven't been in here. It's nice. Can I sit?" He asks. What's up with all the questions? I hate the sympathy he's radiating. I nod anyway and go to sit on the couch next to the one he's sitting on. I swear we sit there in pure silence for at least a good 5 minutes before he finally gets the balls to speak up.

"Look, Scarlett I'm not here to drown you with apologies because you know that I'm truly sorry. There is no excuse for hitting a women and I understand that." He sympathizes. I hate that feeling, the feeling of other people sugar coating their words for the better of my feelings. I want the truth, I like reality because that's all I've ever lived with. I look down at my fidgeting fingers and nod in acknowledgment. I know he's sorry and I don't want this to drag on and I want this to end.

"Yeah um it's cool you know? No hard feelings. I just don't expect it to happen ever again, and if it does, best believe you'll be in a jail cell in less than you can mutter out the word sorry" I state. I know that I said I'd better my anger/temper but I'm not going to let that sort of violence slide. And I just want it set in stone that it won't happen again.

His eyes go wide, but he nods complying with what I'm saying. Good. We both stay in silence again, but this time I can't take it. You can slice the air with the amount of bad vibes floating around and I just want to start fresh. If I want to be a new person, I can't have the toxic relationship me and Harry had before, it's to dangerous.

"Harry. I want this forgotten about okay? It never happened and no word about this will be spoken about, ever. I want- no I need to start fresh and I can't with the "hatred" we radiate towards one another. So, how about we just start as allies yeah? Then we'll see how shit goes from there" I say.

"Yeah I think the same way, it'd be better for the both of us. But I don't know if I'll be able to just forget about what I did to you, can I just clear one last time that I am truly sorry? I don't know what got into me I was just so driven with anger and lust that night that it took over me" He goes on.

I think he keeps talking but I'm stuck on that one word. "Lust". Lust he must've been feeling for Kendall, the same lust that I ruined. I don't blame him. If he was so in love with her and felt pure lust when being with her drove him to do what he did, I'm the one who should be sorry. I should've just waited to say what I had to say to him for another time. But being the way I am, I'm not apologizing and I'm not going to let him know any of this. So I just say what anyone in my situation would say.

"I understand, but I'm fine" I say, followed by a fake smile. He nods and mutters a quick "good" while taking a heavy breath. Glad this is fucking over with.

"So, "Friend" " I empathize. While smirking.

"Who's this Kendall girl" I question while wiggling my eyebrows showing him that I'm over the topic and we should just move on. He chuckles and shakes his head. He looks down at his rings and shrugs.

"Oh you know, the typical elementary school boy crush. Had a crush on her for the longest and now she's a model. Hadn't seen her in a while and that's the night we, um, we-" he says trying to find a better way to put it.

"Fucked? I'm not 12 Harry, you can say it" I laugh out. He looks and me and both start laughing together.

"Your right your right" he says while smiling. I look over at the clock by the kitchen. 12:05. As I look back to him he sees that I was watching the clock and stands up.

"It was really relieving to talk to you Scar. Hopefully it stays this way because honestly, I'd enjoy your presence a lot more" he chuckles while making his way out. We awkwardly hug at the door and I watch him drive off. I sigh and walk back in. Now to talk to Em, I think while rubbing my temples.