Denial

ch. 41

My whole life has been a series of unfortunate events from my fathers passing, my rocky relationship with my mother, and meeting Harry.

When I was 6, I always stood up late at night and ran towards my parents bedroom to make sure they were okay. Not because they would hurt each other physically, but I was so accustomed to hearing them argue. They would scream, yell, curse, and even throw things as i'd hear loud crashing throughout the castle almost every night. I remember being confused as to why they would fight in that way only to hurt each other behind closed doors, but once they were together in front of the public eye everything was fine and dandy, they were in love.

I grew up around a toxic love that only taught me that that's how it's supposed to be. I didn't know any different, I would ask them about it and my mother would always shrug the question off as if I'd never asked, while my father would look at me in desperation,

'Love is tainted, and blind. Never fall in love my child'

He would coo and caress my curly fair hair before pulling me into an embrace. I was beyond confused, and I never understood that phrase although it would forever be engraved in my mind. I never understood, until now.

Standing here, in slow pants, foreheads pressed against each other, hearing those words fall so gracefully from his plump and swollen lips only seemed to scare me. Never had anyone other than my father claim they love me, every man I had ever slept with was just that, someone I had just slept with. Harry, he's different; I always find myself reeling back to him.

I sighed before slowly and painfully backing away from him. He held onto my hand, as if not wanting to let me go but I politely withheld my hand away. His face soon after taken up with a confused and almost, knowing expression as to why I was resisting.

"You can't" I whispered, a small tear slipping from my eyes as I kept a straight face. I didn't want to let those meaningful three words go, but I couldn't let him feel this way. Especially because of all the barriers that keeps us from one another.

"I'm a big boy Scarlett, I do what I want. And I want you" He murmurs, inching closer.

"No you don't understand, you can't love me Harry. Not like this, not now" I sternly state, harshly stepping back. His green light-filled eyes, turned into jaded ones signaling that he was now upset. I didn't want this.

"You can't possibly stand there, in such denial at the fact that you love me as well" Irony fills my entire being at his words, but that's just it, my life has been full of denial; For myself.

I'm left speechless because he's absolutely right, his lean figure approaching me once again but this time I don't back away. I want him, I want this, I love him.

"There's too much keeping us apart. Too much I can't change, although it is what it is I can't risk hurting anyone else. And you have Kendall, you can't forget that Harry" I finally manage to say as he's now inches away from me once again, tempting me to do so many unthinkable things that I'd only regret.

"I want to forget, I got myself into so much shit that I can't seem to get out of now. I don't love her, and I don't know how to get away" He sighs, raking his hand through his hair as he does when he's exhausted.

"Or you won't. If you didn't love her, it wouldn't be so hard to get away Harry. I can't stand in the middle of it, I won't. I can't taint a relationship like this" I pause, walking over his hunched over figure placing my hand on his chin to get him to look up at me.

"Even though, I love you" I finally say, his eyes now filling with light once again as he stares at me and standing up to tower over my small and petite self.