The day she held him for the first time came to mind, the same day she held him for the last time
To hold so much life in her arms in one moment, then to be cradling none the next amazed her how one mistake could change something so precious, for longtime
While she pictured herself holding the crying newborn, the silent reality laid in her arms, face wet with her tears and not his own
The shock began to set in, and her blood rushed through her veins while his overblown
Her heart hammered but his was damned to be frozen in time
Her screams rebounded off the walls, while his would never chime
Then, she wept the tears a mother never should have to
She broke off many pieces of her heart, crying for the boy who she raised and loved and wished she knew
But she didn't
She regretted that she caused this bereavement
She regretted trying to change him
For being angry with him
For yelling at him
For hitting him
For saying the things that should have never been said and instead replaced with:
"I..."
It's too late
The boy who was afraid of the monsters under his bed at age four is gone
The boy who cried from joy when he met Mickey Mouse at age ten is gone
The boy who won his first baseball game at age thirteen is gone
The boy who cried when his father left at fifteen is gone
The boy who laid dead in her arms at age seventeen was gone
That's what a mother regrets
That her only son was gone like her burnt out cigarettes
She regretted it because it was her mistake and it was one she could not fix
So she cried and cried and cried
Mumbling "I'm so sorry," knowing the words reached only death's ears
She really felt like she died herself
_________________________________________
Please, Mother
Don't say such words
To cause yourself such grief when it was your words that drove me into insanity
Will surely kill you
And I took those lozenges for a reason
To escape you
Don't bury yourself beside me
Then I'll surely be in hell
